As the date approaches
Unwanted thoughts enter my mind
those thoughts turn to memories
Those memories are too painful to bare
The pain causes tears to run down my cheeks
It's a pain my feet naturally started running by themselves
When my own body wont listen to me
I wonder where my feet are trying to take me
No matter where I turn
The walls that bound me bounce me back to the beginning
I want to forget this memory
but nothing has worked
Seeing these walls trapping me within
bounding me to this memory
makes me feel left behind
he is the one who left
so why must i suffer?
is what i ask myself everyday.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello there, Ranay333. My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review your poem today. ^^
Okay, let's see. First off, may I suggest punctuation? It makes it much easier for people to read, because they know where to stop or pause and whatnot. Without it, I feel like I'm running out of breath and I honestly have no idea where each sentence ends and the next begins. I know poetry doesn't strictly need it, but knowing where commas and semicolons and full stops are helps. Just a suggest, which you are very welcome to ignore.
Also, I would just like to point out that "wont" is not the same as "won't". They're very different words, and you've accidently (I think) forgotten to put the apostrophe in.
Spoiler
Now, this line here;
Isn't that a bit of a mouthful? I would suggest putting the second half from "bounce" onwards down on the next line.
Also, here;
Bounding? Really? I think you mean "binding" here. Bounding has a different meaning. Which I think is not what you're going for here? Considering the line before it, unless there's supposed to be a full stop there? It doesn't seem like it when I read it, though.
And this is a little awkward and kind of confusing here;
It might be better if you do this instead;
I think that looks a bit better. Aaaand I think that's it for nit-picking, so I'm going to move on to overall things. The flow is good, could be better if there was punctuation, like I said at the start, so that we know where we're supposed to be pausing, etc. Other than that, I don't know what else to suggest. So, that's about all I have to say now, Ranay333. Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
Spoiler
Hello, darling! Let's settle in for this! I haven't read the other reviews on this piece, so I run the risk of repeating what they've said.
I will say that I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say at some points in this poem. For example, I don't know if "bare" was intentional (as in, "expose"), or if it's a misspelling of "bear" (as in, "carry"); I don't know what you mean with "It's a pain my feet naturally started running"; I'm really not sure of the overall message of the poem besides what you so kindly wrapped up for us in the last few lines. The speaker is suffering, for some unknown reason, and has little control over their own body.
This is a free-verse piece, so I won't get on you about your lack of punctuation, except that "wont" in line 7 should be "won't" - for ease of reading, unless you have a complete and total lack of punctuation, contractions should always have their apostrophes. I also think that if you have some lines capitalized and some non-capitalized at the beginning, there should be a solid reason (not "I didn't feel like it"), and that you should stick to either capitalizing your i's or not capitalizing them, unless you again have a solid reason to mix them.
This poem lacks a lot of specific images. You give us words, but the images are sparse, few and far between - tell us about the walls bounding the speaker; tell us about the sorrow in their heart like a spear; show us these things, too, because the wonderful thing about poetry is that it's an artistic medium like painting or sketching that has the potential for movement, not just static emotion. Give us a picture, and make it move.
Overall, I think you have a lot of potential that's locked up at the moment, and potential can only really be evolved through practice, practice, practice. Keep writing!
Hi, Ranay333, Amindor here.
This poem is very beautiful, and I also hope that your personal emotional feelings are well stable. I can tell that this comes deep within your soul, and it runs through your veins. It makes my heart race, and I know others who read it will have the same reaction. I only have a few concerns about this, so that's not that bad. First, your vocabulary is great, but maybe you could make it more grasping of the reader's attention by finding synonyms, maybe for certain words or substitute a phrase. Also, this may seem odd, but on the last two lines, the "I" is not capitalized. Also, the capitalization needs to be fixed by looking at what is a sentence and the beginning of it. That may be confusing, and if it is, I am sorry if I cannot explain it to you. Other than those things, everything is great. The poem has a good flow and a great meaning behind it.
Don't let the sadness or memories pull you down, and keep on writing!
Thank you Amindor for your time. As I've said to the others I will keep your advice in mind and remember to do so in my other works. Don't worry though none of your advice was confusing.
Hi Ranay,
First off, this was very emotional and beautifully written. However, you should remember to cap the I's and to be consistent with capping your lines. The poem bounces around a little bit and while you bring up a memory, you don't really explain the memory. The readers can tell that the memory is very important and causes the narrator grief and hurts them but they can't really relate to why it hurts them. What is that they remember? What caused the pain the memory brings up?
The feeling of being left behind is excruciating for sure. It can be very hard to deal with. Overall, I think this poem is very well written but could be expanded a bit to give a full emotional impact and understanding to the readers. Still, nicely done and I hope to continue to enjoy any works from you that I read!
Sincerely,
Soulkana
Thank you for taking your time to read my work Soulkana. I'm still working on putting details when I write about these memories. It took me quite a few years to finally gain the courage to write about them. But putting the memory into semi detail or full detail is still very hard for me to do. I will definatley keep that in mind and plan on doing it when I have the courage to do so.
Hello, and happy Review Day!
I just want to say first of all that I cried reading this and I am being serious. Anyways on with the review...
As I was reading this poem I realized there wasn't much of a rhyme scheme and that's fine but to me your poem also seemed to bounce a little which made it confusing. It is beautiful though and very deep; emotional. I agree with winterstar as well, watch that capitalization. When I see a poem that is has some capitalized and some that aren't I think that they are sentence's broken up into lines but obviously these are not, as well, there are a few I's that aren't capitalized and should be since it is noun, not much harm but can be fixed.
Again, I loved this poem and I thought that is was beautiful.
-----Myjaspercat
Good luck and continue writing.
thank you for taking your time to read my work. As I told winterstar I will keep your advice in mind. I wasn't too worried about small mistakes with this one when I went to publish it on here because it kind of came to my mind and I wanted to see what type of reviews I'd retrieve. I do apologize for making you cry though.
no, don't apologize. It was amazing and making me cry is just a sign of how powerful your writing is.
Well then I'm glad it touched your heart.
Oh my goodness. This is so sad. Yet... beautiful. I can feel your pain through your words and a lot of people (writer's that is) can't really make me feel this type of pain. my heart is racing my hands are shaking, my head it aching. I'm sorry for everything you went and are going through. -Caramel Shades
Thank you for taking the time to read it. As long as I can remember I've been told that my writing is very emotional. To be honest that's what I want through my writing. I'd like my audiance to feel the same emotion that I do so they feel like their actually experiancing what i did while writing a poem/story. To make it seem like their writing it in a way as well.
Very deep thoughts. I can tell that it comes from the heart. My only critique is to check your capitalization. Some lines begin with a capital letters and others do not. Make it consistent throughout the entire poem. Other than that, it's very powerful and moving.
I'll remember your advice next time i write thank you for taking the time to read it.
hi, nice piece.. good luck !
hi to you too. thank you and good luck to you as well!