Ok guys, this is a short fiction, possible a short-short fiction or flash fiction.
I write down first in my writing's journal, then I wrote down in my computer.
Possible, I am going to publish this in my college's magazine.
So, first I need your critique before to edit by myself, please.
Thanks!
P.d: This a DRAFT, so I am going to edit as soon as I can and get some piece of advices. I just wrote down. Second, my screen is showing me bad features... possible you can seem some errors of space and paragraph. Last, I wrote so much DIALOGUE, but I will short that. Sorry!
Flashback of a Bullied Girl
She had fallen on her bed under the effects of the depression, lying long time. Her pale skin seemed harmed because there were clues of beats.
“Ouch!” she had put her hands on her head as soon as the pain began to hurt her.
“Eh Miranda,” called to her a young boy, “Let’s to play.” But she didn’t obey, just stayed where she was. Because the girl didn’t obey, the boy stepped front her, grabbing her left arm saying, “Come on!”
“No… I don’t want,” she stuttered, trying to get out her arm from his hand.
“You will pay, lame girl!” he threw her to the floor. Then, the boy began to kick her, blinded by his own anger.
“Ouch!” she cried.
The boy continued kicking to her.
“Why to me?” she asked weakly.
“You are a loser!” he shouted her while kicking to her.
“Please, Leave me!” she pleaded; the kicks of the boy were most harmful again.
The boy didn’t listened, he just kept kicking aggressively.
“Why are you hitting to me?” asked, continued by spitting blood.
“That stupid question idiot!” and gave a last violent kick to her. The boy was bullying to her.
“Oh, that pain!” Miranda, continued lying on her bed, being a teenager.
“Why to me?” She asked as always have asked every human have been bullied to her.
Because she was not listened, she opened slowly her indigo eyes looking for a solution.
“That knife,” she blinked when looked a knife on the wooden table next to her bed.
“Why do not? There is none better now for me,” she though.
“Yeah… there is not other solution for avoiding the people who hurt me everyday,” she cried, taking the sharpened knife with her hands.
“Bye…,” stated while holding the knife with her both hands, and she pointed the tip of the knife front her chest where the heart was beating scarily…
“No more pain for me, harmful world!” and she stabbed faster that she not yelled when the knife was toward the inside in her body… and the blood began to spread out…
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Canary word: Present
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what are beats?? Do you mean beatings?
A young boy called to her.
He got angry far too quickly over nothing.
Did you mean why are you doing this to me?
"You're a loser!" sounds more natural.
listen.
that was just confusing.
"Why are you hitting me?" asked the girl before spitting out blood. maybe?
"That's a stupid question, idiot!" The boy yelled, kicking her violently one last time. maybe? And you don't need to say that the boy was bullying her. That's pretty apparent.
There's a bunch more, but you get the idea.
I don't mean to be so critical about it, I'm just trying to help
I liked the idea of the piece though.
This is really good, considering it's a draft. Like chocoholic said, it's a bit rushed. Also, this sentence needs to be fixed.
It should be "lying a long time."
Here too.
That should be "That's a stupid question, idiot!"
Um... That sounds a little awkward. IMHO, you should take out the "do."
Either take out the "t," or add on "an" to the other. The "t" in there needs to be capitalized. "There is not another solution for avoiding the people."
Or "There is no other solution to avoid the people."
You need a "she" in there.
Not much else, if you want me to pm you with the last few errors, (which are minor,) I will. Great story!
(Hope I wasn't to harsh.)
This is very... dramatic. I think it would be better if you slowed down and showed us more about what the girl is feeling, because at the moment it's very rushed. The ending is also very abrupt. I think it needs to be longer so make it a bit easier to understand.
Also, there's a lot of mistakes. You should go through very carefully and edit. I'll show you what I mean:
Having to there makes no sense. Get rid of it
This should be,
“That's stupid question, idiot!” the boy said, and gave one last violent kick. The boy was bullying her.
Although I really don't think you need to have that last sentence there. It's very obvious that he's bullying her.
That's only a couple of the lines, but you can PM me if you want me to help fix it up.
Good luck!