Young Writers Society

Wow this is great.

Superb @Rajendra !
I think I loved reading this short piece of work from you. Though it has got a few words and not many lines, yet I think it expresses an extremely strong message.
The lesson, that both paradise and hell like within the reach of our own thought is a strong one. Not many have the guts to choose such a unique topic and write on it.
Well, I appreciate your effort and your skill too. To me this poetry sounded a beautiful one. I loved and enjoyed reading it.
Well done and keep writing!

Regards
Mahira

Greetings, fellow author!

Let me begin by praising your minimalist style. It's reminiscent of German expressionism, with all the vitality and the creative impetus, and that movement was filled with quite a lot of wishful soliloquies. Anyhow, onto the actual content.

First of all, the repetition of 'thoughts' in the first four verses is a little off-putting. The first one is fine, but you could consider using a replacement metaphor for the latter, or a synonym, since it doesn't really further the message nor does it place it in the focus.

Other than that, there isn't much to say about the form, other than the fact that this is a simple oneiric pastel with an equally simple poetic discourse. The metaphors are not uncommon, but they do adhere to the same semantic universe (aquatic), so in the end that's the end on that.

I would suggest looking to add another layer to the poem by encrypting the message with symbols. Don't just give it all away like that, spruce it up a little bit so that it's not so obvious. The beauty of poetry lies in the little details that not anyone can get.

Cheers,
Bubbles

Well expressed and good choice of words.Rhyming could have been better but still it's good. Other than these, it is a masterpiece. I would really enjoy if this was a bit lengthier. You will surely stand somewhere. All the best.

Letting my mind speak out loud.
Let me hear yours.