Published June 1, 2011
This city, it's quite beautiful
Sometimes.
It's a pool of silvery light,
A network of roads, rivers, pulsing veins,
A tangled web of intricacies and
Soul,
Spun from the hearts of ancestors we never knew.
On the outskirts of
This city, lies a lonely village, some thirty miles from here.
A site of dereliction, forgotten,
A no-man's land.
-
I gaze out the window of the rickety old bus,
Having paid my over priced fair for the ride.
Slowly the bus shudders to a halt,
It does not enter the village.
I, the last passenger
Step off and watch the bus choke and wheeze
And drive away.
I dont think
They'll send another until tomorrow,
For the place is almost empty.
The village is a forgotten garden,
Its beauty only visible to those who want to see it.
Amid the dereliction,
abandoned,
I am another part of the wasted scenery.
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This was truly a beautiful and unique poem. Every suggestion I have has already been covered by others, but I will say I think the flow of the poem is off in some places. I think you could fix that by playing around with comma placement and the overall structure of the poem. Other than that, the imagery and language you used was absolutely beautiful. I felt like I was there and feeling all that you felt throughout the poem, so bravo! You really did a wonderful job.
This is beautiful. There are a few points that could have been better and I think that they have all already been covered by other reviewers. Your flow isn't quite right in places but then I have exactly the same problem and there are plenty of other people who stuggle with that as well. The emotion and the imagery is very moving and it really reached out to me. Even with it's minor flaws I could connect with it, I could picture the scene and I wanted to read on. That is the most important thing, to make the reader want to keep reading and you achieved this. I loved it. I just wish I could match you in your use of such beautiful language. Keep writing.
thanks so much! *grins* <3 x
Well, well, well. I didnt like it at all it was just sooo.... great! I loved it! I felt the emotion, some lines were awkwardly worded and the rhythm of the words and flow of the lines was a little off and you had to pause in places. Maybe change the wording in some places, but then that would take away from the meaning and this poem is great because of that. So i take that statement back, DONT CHANGE ANYTHING! Great Job! Keep Writing!
heeey thanks for the advice, all very good points which i'll take into consideration and probably change some things too:D <3 xx
Hey there, Rainbow Snail! After reading this, I officially need to start following you! *follows* Mostly because the way you worded this poem is just brilliant!
But I do have a nitpick. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t nitpick at least one thing. Hehe.
“Soul” just dangles there uncomfortably and I would probably just bump it up to the line before it as well as making it plural. It sounds a good deal cleaner if “soul” is “souls.”
There is one big thing that I have to point out and that is focus! You start out with this poem and a haunting and rather dark image of this city. And then it shifts to this equally dark but very different imagery of a village which can be off-putting to someone expecting a cityish poem. So yeah, watch your focus when you write and I would really recommend that you zoom yourself in. If you want to focus on the country, don’t dedicate so many of your wonderful words to describing the city and put it towards the village. You have a superb, clean style that I enjoyed completely, most especially that first stanza. Keep writing and the best of luck!
If you need anything, anything at all, don’t hesitate to ask me!
~lilymoore
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