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The word choice is really nice, especially the verbs (e.g. "drown the sun"). Like the others said, its hard to tell what this is really about. First theres was and a good man, than there is a child, etc.
Also, the last line, "wakey, wakey..." seems out of place. Everything else is so deep, dark and mournful yet this line is like worlds away.
Overall, the base is good and maybe just make a few changes and edits around it.
Hallow, Demoness here to give you a little advice
This is an interesting piece. It has got some colorful lines and curious twist to it. Allthough I agree with the first speaker and I aswell think the message is a bit unclear and the entire thing is a bit confusing. You have a voice however and if you put some sense into this I think it can have some potential.
Good Luck & Keep Writing
(Also, I see you are new here so if there is anything you want to ask or need any help, feel free to attack my wall! )
// Sagaa
Hallow, Demoness here to give you a little advice
)
This is an interesting piece. It has got some colorful lines and curious twist to it. Allthough I agree with the first speaker and I aswell think the message is a bit unclear and the entire thing is a bit confusing. You have a voice however and if you put some sense into this I think it can have some potential.
Good Luck & Keep Writing
(Also, I see you are new here so if there is anything you want to ask or need any help, feel free to attack my wall!
// Sagaa
Is this off of Doctor Who?
Yup, word-for-word.
Thought so
So. Basically, you plagiarized this.
I did not write this i just wanted to share it because i thought it was cool and now i clearly stated that i did NOT write this.
A quick comment! "Friendship" is misspelled in your poem.
Also, I don't get the last line. What do you mean by "Wakey"?
Still... I think the poem is a little confusing. It seems that you are saying that when a good man goes to war (presumedly an innocent man) he loses his innocence. But, that doesn't really solve the problem here. What becomes of a man who goes to war, and why? You have all these horrible things that happen, but it's not really clear how it affects this good man. When friendship dies... does this mean that the good man's friendships die? So, it's not really clear how your poem connects with the man.
Another thing is, you keep on mentioning demons running. But, this imagery is also unclear. What are these demons running from? Or are they running to somewhere? Where are they going? Are they running to help or hinder the man? It is not clear in this poem.
So yeah! See if you can clear up some of the imagery. I think it's really important for us to be able to see how a man's life is transformed when he goes to war. So you should definitely try to fix up this poem!