Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
She looked up at him. “You mean it?”
“Of course! I'm always here for you!” Alex helped her up off the cold stone floor of the abandoned castle.
“What was that thing anyway?” Sarah wondered aloud, Alex didn't know the answer so decided to not answer even after thinking twice. “You don't know do you?” She assumed when she didn't receive a response immediately from the 17 year old boy next to her. Alex sighed and knew if he didn't reply to her shed just keep talking so her answered her,
“no I don't know what that thing was or why it attacked you and me. We did nothing to the creature,” he admitted when Sarah had finished her short two part rant she had began to engage in when there again was no update from Alex. He sighed once again shes a talkative one, try to survive the last few days you have! His mind often reminded him of this small little fact, she was very chatty, this almost never bothered him. It was when she just couldn't shut up that annoyed him. And no one blamed him in fact a lot of people asked him how he put up with her constant chatter. Some people he punched in the face for such rude comments, some he nodded to and occasionally he would actually speak to the curious people whom asked him how he became so patient and understanding. He always thought of Sarah and how he would feel if her feelings were hurt, it made him shiver. He hatted causing pain. The creature wasn't off his mind even when he had left the ruin with Sarah and it was still bothering her as well, not as much though. Not enough for her to not notice the far away look in Alex's eyes and make him snap out of it,
“Cut it out Alex! You always do that!” She exclaimed shaking his shoulder aggravated at him for repeating this old habit of his. But it took a hard bitch slap from Sarah's cold hand to get him back to reality.
“Ow! What was that for!?” Sarah didn't answer instead of stopping she continued hands behind her back moving forward and leaving her companion behind. This was another thing Sarah did that Alex dreaded, her way of picking and then being a complete hypocrite. Denying the fact that she had just caused another human harm, she dismissed it with ease as if she hadn't done a thing and didn't look back as Alex clutched his wounded eye. He felt it swelling and saw it turning purple in a puddle along the way, soon he realized when Sarah had been so randomly cruel towards him. He had zoned again, he did it quite often but never could tell when he was doing it, that was his one problem. It was like he wasn't conscious but yet he was definitely awake, the creature made him zone out that time and he was sure of that. Sarah was a little embarrassed having slapped her friend and it took all her courage and strength in that moment to just keep walking. You didn't have to slap him you mother fucking idiot! This made her sad and her head dropped when Alex was looking away, she was tired after their long journey and a little disappointed that she had to get up early the next morning for training. Sadly she wasn't taking Cotillion to improve her manners she was taking Magic and Martial Arts. Which meant she had no time to be elegant except when she was using her speed and needed to be balanced, quick, and graceful as to not loose focus and fall off a roof. They almost never practiced speed in Magic and Martial Arts was occasional, it was considered “special” training. They both walked home in opposite directions, Sarah hoping for morning and Alex wishing he wouldn't have to see her the next morning.
Has someone ever told you the expression “Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.”? Well Alex needed to watch his wishes because they could just come true and let me tell you Alex will be regretting his wishes for certain. For he needed Sarah
*
Alex awoke to a nice sunny morning which was immediately spoiled by his transparent blue curtains that let the blinding rays of light into the room and into his eyes which quickly began to burn.
“Damn-it! That mother fucking burns!” He expected to have the unpleasant surprise of going to the window to see Sarah duck down as if she had not been spying on him, for this was a usual morning routine. But instead when he opened the thin blinds that almost never did their intended job he didn't see her anywhere. He smiled gleefully and moved to the bathroom, the absence of Sarah's annoying behavior made up for the poor start of the day Alex had experience only a second ago. He had run out of tooth paste the day before but planned to go into town later anyway, he would just buy some then. He skipped his before meal brush and went straight to the next order of his morning business, breakfast. He opened the fridge and found his coconut milk and orange juice, next he opened his small cabinet and got out granola, Rice Chex, honey, and a medium sized bowl. Pulling out a gray wooden chair Alex placed the things in his arms down on the small round table just ahead of him and sat down to his ingredients he looked them over and his grin turned completely upside down, something was missing. Why am I always missing something always overlooking something. His frown continued as he got up from the table and excused himself to the fridge and opened it in hopes of finding the item in the vast cold storage unit that had been shrunk the the tiny size of barely holding milk, eggs, left overs of the past night's meal, breakfast fixings, and a few lunch options. This made the room in his small apartment like home quite limited. This was not what angered Alex it was the fact that he didn't know what he was looking for but the he realized that he had been missing the most important part of his morning. His protein he got out an apple and bit into it the juices easily slid down his throat quenching the thirst that had come upon him when he picked up the delectable fruit. He jumped into the air and flipped over his only counter top to land gently in his chair at the table and he took another bite of the red delicious in his hand.
End of chapter
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Okay guys! This is Part One (start) edited so now its easier to read and you can read it just for pleasure! Hope you enjoy, and you were right, it IS easier to read now!
Yeah, many others probably got down what I'm going to say to you. Honestly I would've really liked to read this, but whenever someone talked I didn't know there was a change. When a different person talks every time in a story, you create a new paragraph for them. It's almost like giving them all of your attention. It makes it easier to read and easier to read means more understandable to the readers. It also keeps their attention. Anyway I still love what you wrote, just keep writing. Remember I'm only reviewing to help you learn as a writer and to help your writing talents grow. Writing is to tell someone your ideas with words.
Well, hello there. I'm here to review. Is this to your NaNo? Just wondering.
First off, please, please, please, please space out your paragraphs. This is one huge block of text. I know YWS is a little weird as far as format, but you do need to add at least one line between paragraphs, and one each time you have a line of dialogue.
Second of all, not only is this hard to read through because of the line spacing, this is confusing to read through because it is... well, confusing. What is going on here? What is this story about? Youn need to establish three things in the first chapter: 1. The main character 2. The setting and 3. the immediate problem. Backstory can wait. If there are differences in this world, if something needs to be explained to the reader, that can happen as the story progresses, slowly, gradually, but not all at once. Do try and clarify, a lot of what is in here makes no sense.
~ED
No this isn't I am doing my Nano on a book called Friends and I'd love it if you would review it for me! It would be helpful, I'm kind of new to writing really long books but I think its kind of the same as short ones. I can still use all the help I can get! Thanks! ^^
~CP21
Interesting story first of all you've made some minor grammer errors such as forgetting to put the apostrophe in she'd, at times I struggled to keep up with details of the story I would suggest you paragraphed this is as well as it would look more neat and it would be easier to read. Also you've gone through the whole chapter using the point of view of alex and then suddenly just in the last few sentences you just swap to Sarah's point of view, I didn't like this but I suppose this could just be because of the lack of paragraph.
Overall good story content will be waiting for more
Hey CrystalPony21!! Its Silver here!!

So lets get reviewing!!
The beginning:
I personally think that it would have been far more interesting if you had started in the middle of the fight that Sarah and Alex were having with the magical creature. The immediate action would have been more captivating. It would also have provided a different scene to read besides Alex and Sarah thinking about each other.
Structure:
It was very bunched together and sometimes this can make it slightly harder to read. Try starting a new line whenever someone else is talking. Believe me it can make all the difference
Grammar and Spelling:
You're mostly on song which is great but there are just couple of things:
"shed just keep talking" should be "she'd just keep talking"
"He hatted causing pain." should be "He hated causing pain."
"she continued hands behind her back " I don't know if it's just me but I didn't really get this line. Maybe she "connected? hands behind her back".
Overall:
Apart from all that you write really well. It flowed well and I could connect with Alex (not liking Sarah lol). For a first chapter though this was very short. I like how you've given background on the characters and their lessons but it still needs a little more to happen. With the start of your story you want to draw readers in and make sure that they want to read part two. I think more needs to happen here for this chapter to do that.
Happy Writing!!
Silverlock
Thanks!