"Imagination is the reality of the dreamer."-- Scott Ringenbach
The girl was short, right around four foot nine, but she believed she was big because her personality was. So, therefore, to herself she was big. She believed that one day she'd be able to live under water with the squids and octopi. She had thought her newfound gills would be able to pull in the same water that her dirty blond hair drifted through. She thought she would decorate her hair with seaweed and shells and her face with the scales the fish had lost. She would be beautiful as a creature of the deep seas with blue-grey eyes filled with wonder to match the wonders of the ocean. She was going to be colorful with pinks and reds and blues that she found in the shells. She believed these things, so, therefore, to her they were true. However, she grew up and realized these may not be things that could be, so she looked for a new dream and because she believed she would find a dream worth setting her heart to, it was indeed very true.
"You are never to old to set a new goal or dream a new dream."-- C.S. Lewis
The young girl grew up with many life changes. She didn't believe in all the things she once had. Yes, sadly the days of being a mermaid seemed very far away. She was getting close to her ending year of school and she had finally grew to five foot two. Her hair was long and her eyes were still full of wonder, but she had grown, so she thought it was foolish to believe in her old fantasies. The world told her so, but as hard as she tried to forget those long lived dreams she couldn't. She tried to cover them up with a logical perfession: marine biology. It seemed right to say, so she would say it. In reality, she really did want to be a marine biologist, however, she still yearned to live her unbelievable dreams, like finding Atlantis or discovering a new species of human or maybe even find a gateway to another dimension in the bottom of the ocean! However, no one else believed in them, so how could these dreams be true? Yet, despite everyone else's critisim deep down she believed it could come true. So, therefore, it could.
"Not all those who wander are lost."-- J.R.R Tolkien
The girl was not tall, nor was she short; she was just average. However, she belived she was more than average. So, therefore, she was. The girl would wander out of societies norms to live her dreams and to be free. People who didn't know her would often tell her, "You are a lost cause." But they were wrong. She chose to imagine, see the world in a different light. She was not lost, she was simply different. She believed in the most impossible of things, saying that those impossible things were indeed possible because she believed it, so it could be true. Some people scoffed at her, while others thought she was crazy. But there were a few that chose to believe in the impossible with her. The girl would take those people on her crazy journey of wondering and they themselves found that anything was possible, even being a mermaid with shells and seaweed in their hair. They found out what the girl had found out long ago: if you believe it, it therefore can be possible, at the very least, to you.
Author note: Please review! I love feed back! Tell me how you liked it and if there's something I could change. I will answer questions as well!
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140,181 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey hey, Ardently! here for a late night review!!
Ya know what? Let's do this each lil story bit at a time.
"Imagination is the reality of the dreamer."-- Scott Ringenbach
I like how this one feels quite whimsical. The whole descriptions of what she dreams she'll one day be able to do, and way you wrote them are quite lovely to read. I also really like the fact that it ends happily; her dreams have changed, but she hasn't given up on believing that they'll come true. It's really sweet.
"You are never to old to set a new goal or dream a new dream."-- C.S. Lewis
I'm enjoying the contrast here between her wanting to grow up, but still refusing to let go of her dreams completely. I'm also glad you continue to mention that dreams can change, and the important thing is that you keep having them, as I think that's an important message and one I can relate to. One little critique here: saying "In reality, she really did" feels a little awkward, but that might just be me.
"Not all those who wander are lost."-- J.R.R Tolkien
I'm glad that you added that honesty here, that even when you believe in your dreams and are willing to follow them not everyone is willing to support you, but I'm also glad that you mentioned that some people will, and that's the important thing. Your last line in particular is really sweet and I thought it was a strong way to end the piece.
Overall thoughts!
Overall I like the theme you had here of following your dreams and I think you did a good job of showing that theme throughout the writing. I like the way that you showed the change, both in her and her dreams, and also how society responded to her. I think the choice of quotes was also good, they really highlighted the theme.
~ Ardently! <3 ~
Thank you! Glad you liked it!
Hi RainaDee!
My first impression? I like it. It's admirable and relatable in a world where our dreams become tarnished and buried by societal conventions that restrict us. Be a mermaid.
Paragraph One/Quote One: "The girl was short at around four foot nine, but she believed she was big because her personality was. So, therefore, she was big" is a clearer way to say this.
- I can already sense some repetition in the paragraph, but I feel as though it was intended,
so I'm not going to recommend a change in that.
Paragraph Two/Quote Two: "She didn't believe in all the things she once had, sadly, the days of being a mermaid seemed very far away." is a clearer way to say this.
- 'Profession' not 'perfession'
- 'Criticism' not 'critisism'.
- My only other suggestion is the exclamation mark after 'bottom of the ocean', I was always taught to avoid them. As much as we want them there, there's never a need outside of dialogue.
Paragraph Three/Quote Three: "The girl would wander away from societal norms to live her dreams and to be free" is a clearer way to say this.
- I feel like there could be more in this paragraph, there's no need to describe her as average, and even though you did, you could balance it with explaining what it is about her that makes her think she's above average. Go into detail about her love of mermaids. Why mermaids? How has this love of the ocean and its mythical creatures changed her as she's grown?
- The last line is my favourite.
My only other note is that with some rewriting, you won't need the quotes. This piece can stand on it's own with a little bit of tweaking.
Well done!
M.
There's nothing new to say. I really liked the story. Reading it, I kept thinking of Needing Okorafor's work. I haven't read much of her, and I don't read much fantasy, but there was something similar. Don't know if that's important to say.
I read the reviews here already and they've pretty much said everything. It was a convincing, nice story
Hi there!
First of all, wonderful quotes!
I love how well they fit into the story.
It almost has a poem / spoken word feel about it to me (but maybe that's just because I've been reading tons of poetry lately XD)
I think darkpandemonium already covered all the technical problems so I think you'll do great!
Welcome to the site, I look forward to seeing more of your works!
Thank you! It is kind of poemy, it's not just you!
Hi, RainaDee. Welcome to YWS! I'm Pan and I'll be frying up a review for you today.
First Impressions
I love the sentiment of this story. It's a sweet little idea, and I think the quotes play into the progression of it really well. I particularly like the recurring motif of 'so, therefore, she was' - it's almost like a refrain, so it gives the short story a nice poetic element. On the more technical front, your punctuation and grammar are mostly good, though I spotted a few spelling errors here and there, and your writing style is simple and easy to read.
Nitpicks
Ah, the age old argument about the plural of 'octopus'. I've just googled it and apparently the standard English plural is simply 'octopuses', though it's about equally as prevalent as 'octopi'. It's up to you which one you use, but if decide to keep the form as it is, spell it without the 'e'.
(Random note: 'octopus' is of Greek origin, but people mistakenly think it's Latin, hence why it gets pluralised to 'octopi'. Going by Greek rules the plural would actually be 'octopodes'. Nobody ever uses that form, but it makes for an interesting anecdote!)
Newfound is one word.
The correct spellings are 'decorate' and 'seaweed'. You also decorate something with something, not in something.
1) The semi-colon isn't quite right in this context. You can only use a semi-colon when both clauses could stand as independent sentences. I'd replace it with a comma.
2) After reading that second part about seven times, I finally figured out what you meant by it. If you deleted 'of the reefs' I think it would be clearer, as in:
She thought she would decorate her hair with seaweed and shells, her face with the scales the fish had lost.
Or you could have something like this:
She though she would decorate her hair with seaweed and shells, her face with fallen fish scales.
It just makes it a bit easier to understand what you're getting at.
Filled with wonder, you mean.
This seems a bit contradictory. Saying that 'they were true' makes it sound like she actually did have scales and gills and all the rest of it, but in the next breath you suggest that that was never the case.
Do you mean that she believed that these things would come true, and then her certainty faded as she got older? You need to make it a bit clearer.
You mean 'grown'. Also, even though we tend to pronounce it as 'foot' in speech, it should be written as 'feet'.
None of these words need capitalising - 'marine biology' and 'marine biologist' are both fine.
Get rid of 'had'. Also, the correct spelling is 'yearned'.
'Maybe' and 'gateway' are both single words.
Overall Thoughts
1) I think the biggest issue with this piece is that it has no balance between showing and telling. If you're not aware of what these are, showing and telling are basically two types of writing techniques. Telling involves explicitly stating something (e.g. 'he was angry') whereas showing involves implying something and letting the reader glean the meaning for themselves (e.g. 'he flushed and scowled'). They're both important, but novice writers tend to struggle most with showing.
The problem with this story is that it's essentially all telling. You report the girl's life and her thought processes, you tell us she goes through life changes but not what they are, you tell us she has a big personality but don't demonstrate it, you tell us that she convinces people to believe the impossible but give no details as to how she does it.
Think of telling as your claims and showing as your evidence. If you tell us that the girl has a big personality, you need to demonstrate it in the story through showing or the reader just won't believe it. The easiest way to do this would be to extend the story and include some specific scenes from the girl's life. For example, if you showed us a time in her childhood where she jumped in the river and almost drowned trying to stay underwater too long, we'd get a sense of her personality and her determination to survive at sea. If you showed her a few years later being told to grow up by her parents or teachers, we'd see evidence of her being forced to give up her dreams. Be specific. Active scenes, character interaction and dialogue always make a story much more interesting.
2) It's definitely worth running your work through a spellchecker before you publish it. It will help you catch a lot of straggly errors and vastly improve the polish of your writing. I'd also suggest that you read your work aloud if you don't already, as that can help you to catch lines that are a bit too convoluted or repetitive.
I'll call the review there! It's a nice premise for a story and it has a lot of potential. It just needs delving into a little more. If you extend it into a broader tale and introduce more characterisation of the girl and how her life develops, I think you could have a really good piece on your hands.
Hope this helped! If you've any questions, just ask.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thank you for your review! In all honesty I usually do more showing, however, for this story I chose to go with a telling because I wanted to have it in the oral tradition of story telling, so if it feels like a telling that's why. Thank you so much for helping me with spelling because, honestly, mine's offal! Thank you again, it helped alot!
That moment you reply to yourself :p. Anyways, I usually do run my stuff through a spell checker and I usually am better about fixing the wierd scentences, so I guess this goes to show I should not write at midnight. I will expand this later, but for now I don't have time, so... it just has to stay as is for now I guess. Thank you again Pan!
-- Dee
As someone who also writes at midnight, I can relate! I'm glad you found the review helpful.