Published May 14, 2009
Come here- got it!
No-
no no no no-
Argh! Why is it
everytime I have it my hand it slips right out?
It's like trying to catch an abstract noun
or a thought
or a feeling.
Impossible.
Stupid, too-
like trying to land a net around a poisonous gas.
Doesn't matter how hard you try
You'll never catch it-
you're just chasing something that it would be better to run from.
While you're aimlessly swiping at nothing
it's going to go up your nose
down your throat
in your lungs
bloodstream
heart.
Probably still be there after it's killed you.
Doesn't stop you trying to catch it, though, right?
And I'm still trying to hold on-
there! I had it-
but no.
It's gone.
It was there, though!
For a second.
Between my fingers.
But then I squeezed too tight and it darted away.
Through the crannies of my fingers-
dug a hole through the nooks, I expect.
It took all its bits and bobs with it.
Well, darn.
Seems like I can't hold onto anything.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
Hey, the title caught my eye.
Although I was initially impressed, both by the title and the unique structure the poem had, it just didn't deliver the message to me. I didn't really get just why falling in love is a monumentally awful idea, although I'm pretty sure you do. I think you could tighten this up at but and possibly flesh this out so your point gets across in a subtle yet meaningful way.
Alright, so this was the start. I think you could use this original concept and turn it into a good hook. When you're going for the disjointed look- less is more, or else it gets tiresome. I would possibly cut it down a little, maybe to:
This way, there's a kind of rhythm in the disjointed, frustrated language, which seems to suggest there's a pattern or a cycle of frustration for the speaker. You also get to make use of your caesuras, which are vital for showing unfulfilled thoughts and feelings, by the way they simply break off when you least want them to.
That make any sense? I hope so!
I don't want to make this any more conservative, because I liked the way it was different. The middle bit was the best for me. The italics made it seem like the speaker was turning around and directly talking to the reader, which was great. Favourite line:
Towards the end there was some unnecessary language which made you tell too much. I'd take out the line:
Because in a few lines down you say:
and it's not a place where we need repetition. It's like jamming a message down our throats.
I'd take this out, it has no purpose:
And tighten up the end a little. Overall: I liked it, I was intrguied by it and I felt you presented a way-too-overwrote-about them in a newish way. I'd work on showing more and taking full advantage of poetic techniques.
Peace.
Hey,
Amazing job. It felt like you were talking to me personally, it felt so naturally written. Beautifully done. No mistakes as I can see but I'm not really a person to ask for a prof read. Pace was good and the message comes across well and I think people could really empathize with you. Cos I sure do!
LOVED IT!!!
Brown Eyed Girl xx
Hey there.
I also really liked this. It had a good feeling to it, a very non poetic feel. Not that I'm against anything poetic, this is just different and refreshing.
I'm not fantastic with grammer, or a grammer freak, but I didn't really see anything massive to report.
Good Job
Keep Writing!
Heyyyy
I liked this
It was different, quirky, random and downright crazy
Loved the feeling behind it though, it spoke to me directly
Sounded like a person actually speaking in real life, rather than a narrative voice that has been constructed by the poet/author.
Niiiiice
More of this type please?
S
xxxx