Published April 20, 2009
This is what happens when you tell me to revise for a Food Tech test. I know it's awful, so feel free to crash your critiquing whip on it.
I want to reach out my hand and touch
your hair; I want to run it between my fingers.
Ribbon through a ballgown.
Ideas through the inventors mind.
I want to look into you eyes and see
all the secrets of your soul; I want to truly know you.
Like no-one else does.
Like no-one else ever will.
I want your mind to be my mind;
our thoughts to be as one, a single entity.
Where people see two of us
they do not see us at all.
I want us to outlive the sun, the moon
the stars; for what we have is so much greater.
What need have I for their light and warmth?
I have you.
Take my hand, and we'll stroll into the vast forever.
I'll hold on tight,
and never let go.
Ever.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,381 Literary Works • 674,385 Reviews
"Love is truly the black of cliches" (hey! that's a new one!)... True, the topic is overused but it's always beautiful. I really like your poem, and I'm particularly very fond of this stanza:
I felt the emotion you poured into this. And to be honest, i actually see myself wanting to do exactly what it says. :] Kudos! :]
Mm, it's not awful, exactly, but it is a bit cliche and self-absorbed. I think the major problem with it is that, although you describe what you (or the poet) want quite eloquently, you fail to make this of interest to the reader. I say this so often, but I really think it's true: the best poetry makes the reader feel what the poet feels, see what the poet sees, and so on. To that end, next time you might try incorporating a few more concrete details and appealing to the reader's senses. You images of ribbons on ballgowns and ideas in an inventors mind, for example, are really awesome and intriguing and could benefit from some expansion.
Otherwise, tidy up your line breaks and punctuation and perhaps trim out some of the excess verbiage, and this would be a pretty OK poem
Cheers,
~bubbles