Published February 12, 2009
Heyzers. haven't been on here for hoooges! My internet is down. Anyhoo, trying to wrap my mind around THIS concept....
I am a tree in the forest
I live, and yet
I do not think
I do not see
I simply
Am.
My existence would bemuse me
I think, if I
Could wonder how
Something is
But cannot
think
I have no personality.
I am green, red
And dead again
What drives me?
What keeps me
here?
I am a tree in the forest
Nothing more, and
Nothing less.
Confusing?
Yes. And yet
Wonderful.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I'm surprised neither of the other reviewers commented on the irony!
Here we have a tree, which supposedy cannot think, writing a quite thoughtful and deep poem about not being able to think? Brilliant, I believe. But, of course...
I agree with the others that 'Wonderful' isn't quite the word your looking for. Something deeper, methinks. I do not think the word has too many syllables-- I simply think it doesn't quite cover the meaning you're trying to convey. See if you like any of the following replacement words:
Mystical
Glorious
Beautiful
Brilliant.
Perhaps?
Over all, this poem was great. It made us think, and again, the irony is priceless. The choppiness really adds to the fact that a tree is thinking about how it cannot think. Ha. I just can't get over that!
Good luck, and I hope I helped!
~Evi
Hey Rai! I'm Ella and I'll be reviewing your fabulous poem today!
First of all, I agree with Vyper. Punctuation is sometimes confusing and hard to us, but it is necessary. Punctuation gives key signals to the reader. It sometimes can even make or break a poem. With some work, I'm sure you'll get the hang of your punctuation rules! And don't worry, everyone slips up from time to time.
Any who!!! I really liked this piece. It was original, which I love. The concept itself was very deep and you had me thinking about whether or not a tree can think and why. That's great! Getting the reader interested is sometimes the most important part. You did very well with that here.
And a note: You said "anyhoo"!!! That is by far my favorite thing to say (even though I spell it differently.)
I really liked this. The simplicity made the piece clear and easy to understand/read. Congrats! Work on the punctuation and this could turn out to be quite a beauty.
PM me with any questions.
-dd9
This was a very good poem. It was short, and seemed to call out to me. However, your use of punctuation here is erratic, to say the least. In some lines, you miss out on punctuation, while you use it in others. (http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=39518 This is a good article on punctuation.)
Well, moving on, I liked what you're doing here. The pattern of your poem is good, but the last line kind of ruins it. 'Wonderful' seems quite long compared to the others. Maybe if you could replace it with something? But there really isn't a monosyllabic word that is deep enough... So, good work with this. Quite a nice poem.