Published April 6, 2009
Haven't been on YWS for ageess... one of my poems has been locked while I was away. Whoops. Naughty me.
I ran along the moors and I whistled with the wind,
My feet would hit the marsh and then be gone without a sound.
I surveyed my surroundings as a King would from his throne;
The wide expanse around me was mine and mine alone.
I throw myself into the wind; it catches me and hurls me back.
From mound to rock to marshy plane, then up and down and up again,
The breeze steals all my fears and qualms and breathes them far away,
When nature demands happiness, you cannot but obey.
You can keep your hills, your peaks and falls and chuckling streams,
Feel free to fuss your tree or hedge or flower in a pot,
I’d rather have my stretch of nothing, of emptiness and calm,
I rejoice in the nothingness; it is a song, a poem, a psalm.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
This was a lovely poem. The rhyme scheme felt a bit off, but I think that's just me anticipating rhymes where there aren't any lol.
A few nitpicks; in places your rhythm gets a bit shaky, so watch your line length. Like Sanareth I think a King would be more likely to survey a country or something, but you can easily change that line to something like, "as a King would from his throne" without too much trouble.
I absolutely loved that last verse, and "when nature demands happiness, you cannot but obey" is excellent.
Otherwise, though, kudos on a nice piece of work, and welcome back
Cheers,
~bubbles
AWESOME! It's about a place I went to in Cumbria, just below Scotland. I'm SO pleased you got that!!!!!
Thanks for the review.
xxxx
I ran along the moors and I whistled with the wind,
My feet would hit the marsh and then be gone without a sound.
I surveyed my surroundings as a King would at a throne;
The wide expanse around me was mine and mine alone.
So far I'm very impressed at your style, but one nitpicky comment. Wouldn't a King be more likley to survey a country or palace than a throne?
I throw myself into the wind; it catches me and hurls me back.
From mound to rock to marshy plane, then up and down and up again,
The breeze steals all my fears and qualms and breathes them far away,
When nature demands happiness, you cannot but obey.
Beautiful, reminds me of Scotland or Cumbria.
You can keep your hills, your peaks and falls and chuckling streams,
Feel free to fuss your tree or hedge or flower in a pot,
I’d rather have my stretch of nothing, of emptiness and calm,
I rejoice in the nothingness; it is a song, a poem, a psalm.
I honestly can't find anything wrong... sorry for the lack of constructivity! You have a lovely style of writing, and a poem like this would bring a smile to anyone's face.