Published June 5, 2009
English homework. I'm actually doing it, which is a nice change.
I’m sitting on this patch of grass,
A lonely gravestone at my feet.
Your life-prolonging hourglass
Has dropped its grains,
Declared defeat.
I’ve sobbed for days, for weeks, and yet
I still cannot look back and smile.
I’ve tried, but still I cannot let
you go. I stop
and cry awhile.
The thoughts inside my head are black;
They surge with an unbounded rage.
You’re dead, you’re gone, you can’t come back,
You’ve left me lone
To grieve and age.
I whisper to you in the night,
I tell my fears, admit my lies.
An owl hoots- I jump in fright-
I watch as it
Spreads wings and flies.
Your carcass lies within a box,
But that is all; you are not bones;
You’ve followed ‘long the orthodox
way of passage-
Heaven blown.
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140,793 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Nice job with this! You did quite well with the imagery and the flow of the poem. I liked the last stanza the most.
There's only one thing that I can point out:
"I whisper to you in the night,
I tell my fears, admit my lies.
An owl hoots- I jump in fright-
I watch as it
Spreads wings and flies."
Shouldn't it be 'spreads its wings and flies?'
Overall, good work! Keep it up! ^^
well i found you
you'll be able to guess who i am i'm thinking hehe (look at my name isn't it fabulous) and i decided to actually see what some other people who don't know me think because then they won't be scared of offending me.
you already know how much i love your poem but it does make me a little bit sad.
love you
This flows very well and you express yourself nicely. I love;
"lonely gravestone" and;
"Your life-prolonging hourglass
Has dropped its grains,
Declared defeat".
I'd change "still I cannot let
you go"
"The thoughts inside my head are black;"
"Spreads wings and flies".
Someone told me a few months ago that poetry about death is so common that you have to try extremely hard to keep it original.
I like the use of the owl, and I think that the attempt to comprehend what the deceased is now is particularly powerful ("Your carcass lies within a box,
But that is all; you are not bones").
My advice is to get a pen and scratch out everything that sounds like something you've heard before, and replace it with something truer to you.
Lovely use of rhythm and rhyme throughout.
Jas
I like this, it gives good detail I think.
The first line didn't flow the best for me, but that may just be me.
I liked the second part of it the best, so overall I like this.
Wow, I really like this. The flow is great and it kept my attention through the whole thing. If there are any errors they are miniscule and I didn't catch them
The imagery is really amazing. I know reviews telling how good you did aren't helpful but really I cant find any thing that I dis-like about this poem.
Good job
-Tiffany