Published January 13, 2009
Pay attention in a German lesson? German? Me? Ha. As if.
Yeah, so instead of learning the past tense of some obscure and unsayable word, I was wondering what's going through a Soldiers head when he's dying.
____
Hush now, Brother,
I’ll hold you tight,
I’ll hold you till first morning’s light,
Just lay your head against my chest,
Ignore the blood that floods your breast,
I know you fear what is to come,
Do murderers to hell succumb?
You ransacked, slandered, bombed and killed,
But Father God is with you still,
He knew the choices that you made
Were not for glory, He knew you bade
goodbye to your home, your wife,
To plunge into this anguished strife.
This bloody match of pride and wrong,
And Lord God knows your heart is strong,
He will not let you burn away,
He’ll open gates and let you stay,
With Him, forever,
Happy,
Free,
He’ll say, “My good son,
Come to me,”
And though the lights of this world fade,
And though you are lost and afraid,
You are safe now, safe, I swear,
I’ll kiss goodbye, say one last prayer,
Take comfort from these words I say,
And go now Brother,
Fly away.
_______
Tis 'all. xx
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140,907 Literary Works • 673,721 Reviews
Wow! I'm really impressed! When I read the title I thought it was going to be corny and cliche, to be honest, but it wasn't at all. You might want to change the title, though, so other people don't think that.
I thought the rhythm held out well and the rhymes were excellent. I loved the way the reader is expecting a glorification of war until this part:
And then we expect an anti-war poem, but that's not it either. It's complex and thoughtful but also full of emotion; everything a good poem should have.
Beautifully done. I applaud you.
-BFG
The main problem with this is that it seems to be one long sentence. Otherwise it's well-done.
I really like this poem. I like the setting and mood you create, and the voice.
This is one of the only problems I found. The 3rd line is a bit off in rhythm. If you put the stress on the first syllable of "goodbye," it would work, but that's not how it's usually said.
The rhythm of this is a bit awkward. The second line isn't as original as some, either.
This is my favorite. It is so original and interesting.
This is my other favorite part. It flows so well.
Bravo!
rachel
Excellent job with this. The punctuation could be more accurate, but it made your point very well.
Perhaps "drowns your breast," or "swamps your breast," etc. Using "flood" makes it sounds like the interior of his breast is being flooded which I'm sure, correct me if I'm wrong, you didn't mean to say.
Besides this, I think your poem was wonderful. Keep writing!
See you around,
Xx Forever Threnody