That which lay beyond those doors.
The deafening silence between the two figures was only broken by their feet clicking against the damp stone. Neither felt like talking. They kept their footsteps light.
As they reached the massive doors, in the light of a flickering torch, one figure drew a shaky breath. The shadow cast by the figure was unmistakably feminine. The hands were shivering. The other placed a hand on her shoulder, the roughness of it calming her. She looked up to see her friend smiling at her, though it didn’t reach his cold, ice blue eyes. She nodded and pulled a strand of red hair behind her ear. They both walked up to the doors, grabbed the handles and pushed it open.
They were told to expect the unexpected. They were told that mystical treasure lay beyond this room, but only if they defeated the beast that guarded it. A beast that no one had yet seen and lived to tell the tale. The two treasure hunters were ready.
Whatever was beyond that door, they had the gear and skills to succeed – or so they believed.
They may have been expecting the unexpected, but they did not expect a dragon.
A dragon that took up a third of the massive room sat curled up in one corner as if it were asleep. The girl’s breath hitched in her throat. The dragon’s visible eye opened. With speed surprising even the girl, her silver-haired companion pulled out his shield and protected them both from the onslaught of flames that had erupted from the dragon’s mouth. The flames halted and the boy let go of the shield. It fell to the floor, where it slowly began to turn into a flaming, red pool of molten metal.
With shaking hands and sweat dripping down their foreheads, the two treasure hunters drew their blades. The two began to advance on the dragon, which had closed its eyes again. The girl stepped on a charred bone, snapping it. Her eyes widened and in an instant, she was slapped against the wall. The tail that had smacked her away moved for the boy. He jumped over it and slashed blindly underneath himself with his blade; the dragon releasing a deafening roar.
He flinched but he charged at the dragon, gripping his blade tighter so that it would not shake in his grip. The dragon turned to the boy, growling. His eyes were wide; his heart felt like it would jump out of his chest and as he blocked an incoming slash from the dragon with his sword, his eyes caught sight of a door behind the dragon. It was small compared to what they had entered through. His sword shattered and he was sent stumbling backward. He clenched his jaw and drew a long dagger. Before he could charge again, arrows began to pelt the dragon. Some pierced the scales, but most bounced off, doing nothing to their target. He looked over and saw his red-haired companion on one knee, firing arrows at the dragon. She jerked her head to the small door. Gulping, he nodded as the dragon’s attention was turned away from him and to the archer. He sprinted behind it, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest where he had been struck.
He bit his lip. He tried not to think of the blood streaming down her face. He tried not to think about her leg, twisted at an angle that should not have been possible. He fought the urge to go back, pick her up and run away from this place. She gave him this opportunity. He shouldn't waste it. As he reached the door, he kicked it open. Running in, he looked around for the treasure they had come this far for. Before he could move any further, he heard the dragon’s roar.
The scream that rang out after, shattered his spirit.
He turned back, his heart pleading with the Gods that it wasn’t true.
The Gods said it was.
He watched helplessly as she was engulfed in flames. Her scream stopped.
He fell to his knees, tears spilling freely from his eyes. He did not care if the dragon killed him now. At least then he would be with her. He’d be able to see her beautiful smile once more. Her eyes that laughed at him, her hands that bandaged his wounds, her arms that wrapped him in an embrace he never wanted to leave…all of it…gone.
Whatever the treasure was that lay in the room, it would never be worth her.
He threw his head back, cursing himself.
He could have saved her. If he had just picked her up and ran, she’d still be alive. They’d have survived. Then they could have prepared better, tried again with knowledge of what they were up against. Or they could have given up. They could have lived a peaceful life together, had a child and never looked back to treasure hunting again. If he had just gone back...
His screams were halted by the dragon’s tail impaling his chest.
He fell to the ground with a hole in his chest that would never be filled.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hi!
This was an amazing story.
I almost cried!
It was all so good!!
How you introduced the characters, how you described the fight and how you described their death.
I found no grammatical errors, no mistakes whatsoever.
I actually think that you should continue this story with them going to heaven, and trying to find each other in a crowd of ghosts or gods or whatever you wish.
I really hope that you continue writing!
Fantascifi
Awww. </3 This was saaad.
I don't read romance that often, but when I do and one of the "lovers" dies, I hate how empty the story feels after that. So, I like this ending, sad though it may be.
Anyway. A few things I wanted to point out here.
First off, the characters!
Kay, so we got a girl and a guy. You add a few details in on what they look like, which is nice, though all those descriptions were in the beginning and I think you could have slipped them in throughout the whole of the story. I wasn't sure how to feel about a couple of the descriptions, like these two, for instance:
Unmistakably? I didn't think shadows revealed that much about a person. I mean, maybe if she had long hair? But even then, guys have long hair, too...
The description "cold, ice blue eyes" didn't give me a good impression. Cold is harsh and bitter, almost; so it seemed as if you were describing him like that. However, that's certainly not true, as the rest of this story proves. I just don't think that's a good description for our guy here.
But other than descriptions and their love for each other, we don't know much else about this couple. Why are they here? Why do they want the treasure? What's their motivation? Who are they, anyway? Wizards or elves or any other being in fantasy stories?
These are important questions to answer because without them what do we have? An emotional little scene of... what? There's not a foundation to this, so it doesn't have the impact it could have on the reader.
Setting relates to this, as well, because I'm not sure where we're at. They're walking down some hall, it appears, and they get to a door, open it, and now they're in a room with a dragon. (How did the dragon even get in there?) My mind automatically told me they're in a castle, buuuut I don't actually know that. :p
(BTW: as Annie said, your imagery was certainly lovely with the damp stones and flickering torch <33).
For the most part, I like how this is all olden and storytale-ish in style - it gives a darker feel. But that also seemed to make it lag during the action: when the dragon spits out fire, attacks them, kills the girl, etc. There's no dialogue shown, but I think some might have added to the drama. The two screaming and shouting and how they feel as they're fighting off this big guy. And speaking of the big guy, what's Mr. Dragon look like?
I'm pretty sure not all dragons look the same. xP
Those three points were really what I wanted to center in on, and then there was this random sentence that popped out at me:
I didn't realize he was screaming prior to being impaled??
Other than THAT, that's all I gotta say!
This definitely has some intriguing elements, and I enjoyed the read. Though it was sad. </3
I hope you have a great day, and keep up the good work.
I'll see ya around.
~rosette
Hello, Anne here to leave a review!
First of all, wow! This was an amazing read and I did not expect the ending, good job! It is so twisted and sad that he ended up passing on right after a future with her was mentioned. That is super twisted, but oddly satisfying.
Now, for a little bit of advice. I feel like if I do not do something to help you out, the time I have spend typing this would truly be a waste. In your first paragraph, I noticed that your general flow seemed to be a bit off. "Neither felt like talking. They kept their footsteps light." I would have put a comma in between these two sentences, as it would make a better fit. If you feel like going a little more out there, a semicolon would have worked as well.
Your second paragraph had lovely imagery. I could imagine the big doors, the darkness around the torch and the figures. I like how you make the reader work for the facts. You did not say that the female was in the company of a masculine figure, but you made the reader assume. Little gaps like this can keep people more engaged because they begin tho think about the things that you do not tell them.
Expect the unexpected.....wow, seems like a it of irony. I love how you used that to lead into them fighting a dragon. I love how you depicted the battle, saying the shield melted and the sword shattered.
That is all I have for now, I am a bit short on time. If I get some more on my hands, I will come back and review the rest! Your grammar was good, and your imagery excellent. Keep writing!
- Anne