Published December 30, 2007
Deleted and removed. All comments were helpful and I'm grateful that you took the time out to read it. Thank you. ^_^
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hey Rag-Dolly,
I like this! You have a nice casual way of letting your character describe everything. It's a bit like in some movies (the main character kind of talks to the audience and tells the story, if you know what I mean...)
Isn't that obvious?
I like how you described Melody's (love the name!) looks, but I got confused with all of the details. Maybe take some of the detail out? (for example mention what she normally looks like/ likes to wear in some other place?)
These two 'naturally's are a bit close together, so you might want to replace one.
No need mentioning 'twice' twice
The second sentence seems like an explaination for why she is so close to her mother, so maybe reword it or start a new paragraph with it?
Never seems a bit too much here. Try finding something that's a little less strong.
Basically it's all 'peanuts'.
The only big thing you should maybe work on is the connection between the 'bookworm Melody' and 'Miss Wonderful'. They're quite a contradiction to eachother. Maybe work with 'thought bubbles' to make clearer who Melody actually is.
Other than that you stop in kind of a weird place to stop, but I guess that was intentional.
What can I say? I'm eager to read more and see where you're going with this!!
Keep it up and feel free to PM me with questions or if you'd like me to review something.
Welcome to the site!!!
~Kalli
I'm a little too sleepy to give a decent critique about this, but I promise to do it some time over the next few days.
From a glance I would suggest you break down your paragraphs, huge bulks of text are incredibly daunting. This will make it a Lot easier to read.
I shall go through the rest tomorrow. Keep up the good work.
Hey there,
Just thought I'd leave a review! You seem like a newbie so welcome to YWS! PM with any questions, comments or concerns regarding my review.
Take Care,
--starry
And for the record, it was a lovely piece to review!
Welcome to YWS! i didn't get to read the whole story but i liked the first bit. i'm gonna come back later and finish it but so far, nice job!