Hey Rag-Dolly,
I like this! You have a nice casual way of letting your character describe everything. It's a bit like in some movies (the main character kind of talks to the audience and tells the story, if you know what I mean...)
I live by my motto.
Isn't that obvious?
I like how you described Melody's (love the name!) looks, but I got confused with all of the details. Maybe take some of the detail out? (for example mention what she normally looks like/ likes to wear in some other place?)
So, naturally, I look stunning. My naturally long eye lashes brush my face in soft feather strokes, captivating any on lookers.
These two 'naturally's are a bit close together, so you might want to replace one.
I moved to two different locations twice to try and get rid of him, until at last I had to politely excuse myself and walked away with a slightly too audible sigh.
No need mentioning 'twice' twice
I was quite close with my mother. She’d told me about her biker days before she’d met my father.
The second sentence seems like an explaination for why she is so close to her mother, so maybe reword it or start a new paragraph with it?
but mother said that since she had me and my father, she was never sad and would always remember her good times with her family.
Never seems a bit too much here. Try finding something that's a little less strong.
Basically it's all 'peanuts'.
The only big thing you should maybe work on is the connection between the 'bookworm Melody' and 'Miss Wonderful'. They're quite a contradiction to eachother. Maybe work with 'thought bubbles' to make clearer who Melody actually is.
Other than that you stop in kind of a weird place to stop, but I guess that was intentional.
What can I say? I'm eager to read more and see where you're going with this!!
Keep it up and feel free to PM me with questions or if you'd like me to review something.
Welcome to the site!!!
~Kalli
Points: 890
Reviews: 140
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