My fingers galloped across the old, wooden table. My foot tapped a rhythm too fast to be relaxing. Something just felt wrong. I glanced at the window again, looking for headlights, listening for an engine, feeling for the vibrations of my phone—which sat next to my dancing fingers—anything that would let me know he was safe. He was supposed to be here! I’m sure he would have called if he was staying late!
My eyes flickered to the window again. A sharp, persistent buzz pierced through my fog of concerned thoughts. My hand closed tightly over the phone, answering without looking at the caller ID. I assumed it was him. It wasn’t.
“Miss Ryan?” an unfamiliar voice asked on the other end of the phone.
“Yes?” I answered.
“This is Doctor Hampton at the Steven’s Hospital. We need you to come in right away. Something’s happened to your fiancée.
No. No. No. No. NO! My heart stopped in my chest. My breath froze on my lips and my heart dropped into my stomach. My whole body went numb, and I couldn’t think anything but that one word. I tried to suck in a breath, but the chilling air couldn’t get past the sandpaper lump in my throat. I couldn’t even form the word I wanted to say, let alone speak it.
My mind flashed back to December, when he asked me the big question. We were standing in front of a fountain that he’d found forever ago. He’d said he wanted to give me a present. He bent down on one knee, looked at me, and said “I want you forever, forever and always, through the good and the bad and the ugly. Can we grow old together, forever and always? Will you marry me?” I remember thinking that it was probably the cheesiest proposal I’d ever heard. Still, I cried, and I still said, “Yes.”
It seemed like hours that I stood there, phone pressed against my ear, lost in some fantasy land while a part of my brain was trying to remember how to work those foreign things called “lips” to form a sentence, a few words, even just one word would be fine.
“Miss Ryan, I’m so sorry. But it’s imperative that you get here as soon as you can.”
Those words, somehow, snapped me out of my trance. “Okay,” I choked out. I was sure he wouldn’t be able to hear me, but I thought I heard a sigh on the end of the phone. “I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”
I don’t really remember the drive to the hospital. It was a blur of forest green and the gray of streets. The piercing red of lights that I ran right through, not caring that there were cars honking and weaving to avoid a collision. When I burst through the front doors of the hospital, everyone looked up in surprise. Some people looked away again, after seeing my face—God I must have looked awful—but some people continued looking at me, whether in pity or something else, I didn’t hold their gazes long enough to find out.
I stumbled to the front desk, the attendant looking at me expectantly. “Where’s my fiancée?” I asked. My voice sounded awful, even to my own ears. It was almost like a whispered scream. Like in your nightmares when you try to scream and all the sound you make is a little squeak, or a prolonged intake of breath. I knew that this was no nightmare, but I sure as hell wished it was.
“Ah,” she said quietly, sympathetically. “You’re Miss Ryan, aren’t you?” When I nodded, too scared to hear my voice again, she continued. “I’m so sorry. He’s in room 231, I’ll take you there.”
She scooted herself out of her brightly cushioned chair and gently pulled me along by my elbow. She must have sent a quick message to the doctor before she got up because, in a few seconds, a man standing in front of me, the drone of his voice that broke through the haze in my mind sounded familiar. He was the voice on the phone. Doctor Hampton.
They told me what happened. I could barely hear them, with the beehive of worries buzzing around in my head. It seemed to take forever as they led me down a million nameless halls, like a never-ending maze. Suddenly, looming in front of me: the numbers 231.
Dr. Hampton opened the door quietly, glancing at me with a concerned gaze. I realized what a mess I must have been, and I reached up to brush my hair back, surprised to find my cheeks wet with tears I hadn’t noticed I’d shed. I scrubbed my face quickly and tried to keep it straight as I walked into the room.
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138,317 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
Hi Raelyn723,
Mailice here with a short review!
It was a very emotional and dramatic beginning. From the first line, you're caught up in the text because you don't know directly where it's going to take you.
You created a very powerful beginning. The first paragraph is fantastic for reading in and falling deeper into the story. You can literally feel the emotions and uncertainty, the nervousness and the feeling of just waiting. With each new section you fall deeper into the story and you manage to hold on to this point for the entire first part, which is only mentioned briefly, but moves further into the distance with each new sentence.
I really like that you tell the story from the first-person narrator's perspective, so you also get some kinds of flashbacks that help to give the reader more accurate information. I like the way you've structured it and how the narrator drops further into a depth from the second half onwards, where she forgets everything around her. I really like the focus on the continuation of the plot here and the stretching you manage towards the end without it feeling like filler. You stay open and show directly where the main point is and how the descriptions therefore also move into the background.
It's hard for me to criticise anything here because from beginning to end you keep the reader enthralled to read on about what's happening here and what exactly happened. You combine the drama with the emotions very well and awaken a sense of loss in the reader.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
This is short but very emotional. You do a great job of getting right into the story and establishing what's going on.
What I'd like to see more of is background. How long have they known each other? What is her fiance like? What is SHE like? While the action and the suspense is there, I think it could be deepened a little and made more evocative if we knew more about the characters. Right now I don't know much about them, so I don't particularly feel any connection. Give them little quirks that will endear them to the reader. Maybe he's got a musical laugh or some funny tendency.
I do like your attention to details in the paragraph where she is driving to the hospital. The colors were a nice touch, as were the cars swerving around her. It creates a great picture as to what is going on around her, yet still conveying how she's shutting it all out.
I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, so great job there!
Overall, I liked this. Please keep writing!
-November Payne
Thanks! I do have the rest of the story, but all together it's really long so I didn't want to post it all at once. The characters develop more later but I could go back and add in more of their personalities now that I think about it
Anyways, thanks so much for reviewing!! I really appreciate it! If you'd like a review too please feel free to ask!