First Part: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=99257
He walked down the deserted street toward their closest neighbor’s house. The woman who lived there wasn’t the nicest, but she cared for his sister like a relative. Not like a mother—more like an aunt or grandmother—but it was enough for him.
He knocked on her door, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited. The click of the lock, the clang of the chain then the creak of the deadbolt, all familiar sounds. She opened the door finally, and stood before him in her long nightdress and robe. Clouds of her incense floated through the open doorway. Her grayish-brown hair tumbled down her back in waves, and if she wasn’t always scowling, the woman would have been rather pretty.
“Hello Elijah,” she rasped. Her voice was rough from the years she’d without it.
“Mrs. Hawthorne.” Elijah replied stonily. Neither of them were comfortable with each other, but for the sake of his sister, they managed to be somewhat civil.
“Is Ms. Elizabeth doing any better today?” Mrs. Hawthorne asked. Now that was one of the reasons he could deal with her presence around his sister. Whenever she spoke of his sister, Mrs. Hawthorne’s voice softened and her scowl seemed less permanent. Back when Elizabeth—Lizzy, as Elijah called her—was healthier, she had run into Mrs. Hawthorne as she returned from school. Somehow, she had gotten Mrs. Hawthorne to talk. A feat none had managed since her husband died three whole years before. Since then, Mrs. Hawthorne had been supplying Lizzy with food, clothing, anything she needed. When she fell sick…Mrs. Hawthorne became a constant presence; a teacher, a caretaker while Elijah was gone, anything.
“She’s asleep,” was all he said in reply. He couldn’t bear to say no, the true answer. That she seemed to be getting worse. He ran a hand through his unruly hair, making the woman in front of him click her tongue. It was rare that she showed any outward form of concern for the boy, so even that was somewhat of a shock.
“I will be over in a couple of minutes,” she said, “just give me the key and be on your way.” She reached her hand out, expecting him to place it in her hand and turn to leave, like he always did. This time, as he reached his hand out to give it to her, he spoke.
“I have to go to the market today, so I’ll be a little late getting home.” She simply nodded in response.
“I’ll bring over some soup for her then.”
And with that, he turned and stalked away. The woman stared after him, letting a slight bit of her hidden concern show in her face as he walked away. Sucking in a deep breath of her incense through her nose, she tried to rid herself of her feelings. Something felt odd today. It had been a long time since she felt this way, but she remembered very clearly the last time. The day before her husband died. That was the last time she had had this sinking feeling in her gut—like everything would be different from that moment on.
She knew that he wouldn’t let her take care of his sister, or him, if he thought he needed to repay her. So she acted as if she didn’t care about him, knowing it would make him feel less guilty. That certainly didn’t mean she didn’t care about the boy. So, as she turned back into her foggy house to retrieve some food to bring to Elizabeth, she held her two hands over her heart and silently whispered pleas. Pleas to bring Elijah home safely. To make sure the outcome of the feeling was different this time.
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139,713 Literary Works • 672,661 Reviews
So far, I'm intrigued by this and the first part. Elizabeth's sickness is interesting and brings immediate motivations and actions into the story. There are only a few things I would suggest.
Firstly, Lycando sort of said this, but I think this would be a more interesting story if some of the character was shown. Elijah obviously has a lot of stress in his life with his sister sick, and it would be interesting to know how he has reacted to it, how he has been changed. How is the way he reacts to his sister sick and getting progressively worse different than anyone else? What distinguishes Elijah from others?
Also, I was confused by a couple of things. For instance, I can't seem to figure out the age of the characters. Elijah seems like an adult in the way he talks, and the way he is (mostly) the sole caretaker of Elizabeth. However, Mrs. Hawthorne thinks of him as a boy. The fact that Elizabeth ran into Mrs. Hawthorne on the way home from school suggests she is not very old, but the two siblings are living on their own, so I would expect them to be older. I would just suggest clarifying their ages more so it is easier to understand the situation they are in. Another thing I did not completely understand was the last two paragraphs. Perhaps it is just me, but Mrs. Hawthorne's thoughts about caring about him didn't seem to completely make sense. Her husband's death certainly adds an interesting element to the story, though. Also, if she had a feeling that something bad might happen, that someone might die, wouldn't she immediately think of Elizabeth, who is sick and seems to be near death? I wasn't sure why she though it would be Elijah who was in trouble.
Well, I hope this was helpful. The writing style is very clear, and the story is certainly intriguing and has a lot of potential. Good luck with the rest!
Valedictions,
Wherethewindgoes
Hey there!
So, in comparison with chapter one of this story, I still don't feel the excitement here I would have expected. The character of Elijah is really monotonous, it lacks in feeling and action. You're just describing what he does, but from that I don't get a sense of his behavior, he seems to care for his sister alright. But how does he feel towards her condition? Being her brother he would definitely have some form of worry wouldn't he? In fact, I can see more of Mrs. Hawthornes character as someone who cares dearly for Elizabeth than Elijah, and that's pretty scary. The reader should understand the main characters more then the other characters.
There's plenty you could work on here, so far what you've been doing in the first chapter and this was describe solely the series of events that happened. Give some thought to Elijah, the readers want to know how he thinks and how he is feeling, as I said before, his character at this point of time is monotonous and lacking of emotion. I want to see how Elijah views this situation.
You need to focus much more on Elizabeth, and less on Elijah. I would personally like to see Elizabeth waking up soon and maybe see things from her perspective. I want to know so much more about Elizabeth because her character is the interesting one. She's the one that's sick, and so it somehow becomes more exciting when you elaborate on that.
Mrs Hawthorne seems to be another interesting character. Her feelings for Elizabeth and Elijah are unique, she seems to treat them as her own children somehow, especially with Elizabeth. I want to see more interaction between the characters. If you gave Elijah more feelings and thoughts, and combined that element with the interaction between characters, which I feel is a key point in making this story good, you would have a good plot.
Hope my review helped!
Your review helped a TON. Thank you so much for all the feedback, I really appreciate it. I can see how Elijah comes off as monotonous, I think it improves as the story goes on, but that's not good because a reader probably would have given up by now right? Anyway, I'll work on editing. Thanks