White-blonde hair laid spread across the pillow. A small hand was open beneath her cheek, eyes flickering back and forth behind closed lids as she dreamed. She took in a slow, raspy breath, her brother watching from the corner of the room.
His black hair was mussed. His dark blue eyes had large, gloomy shadows underneath—he hadn’t slept in days, after all. His gaze was locked on his sister’s face, watching as she breathed, only breathing each time she did. A wave of relief washed through him each time he saw her mouth move. He stood from the rickety old rocking chair and snuck to the place by her bedside that was he constantly occupied. He knelt there, reaching out a steady hand and brushing the thin strands of hair from her face.
She sighed. His hand quickly retreated, now hidden in his pocket. She rolled over, but continued her sleep. Slowly, he slipped across the tiny room, careful not to step on the creaking wooden boards. There was a pattern he had memorized, in order to not create a noise. Don’t step on that one, skip that, that one’s safe, He found himself mentally reminding himself. He reached the door and quickly opened it, cringing as it creaked. There was a trick for that too. If you opened the door faster, it creaked less.
He glanced back one last time, seeing her skinny frame curled up underneath the thin blanket. The bed was small, with scratched wooden poles holding it up—but just barely. If you added a little more weight it probably would have collapsed. The walls were covered in peeling wallpaper. Sometimes, when she was feeling up to it, they’d make a game of trying to guess what the pattern used to be. He was convinced that it was some sort of flower, like old ladies decorate their houses with, but she always went for crazy ideas. She could be a writer, her ideas were so original. Things he never would have thought of. It was a copy of the writings of cavemen, and when the person before them moved, he stained it with his coffee to prevent others from reading it. Or sometimes, it was pictures of people’s loved ones, used to cheer up a baby who had lived in the room. The most outrageous, and her favorite, was the creatures. She was convinced that it was a map, used to find mystical creatures. She believed it was a map that could lead her to dragons, or goblins, or mermaids. And sometimes, he could almost believe her.
He closed the door behind him, walked down the tight hallway and into the small dining area that also served as the kitchen. He peeked into the bread basket. Only four slices left. There was a slightly bruised apple sitting in a bowl on the table, and a covered bowl of old oatmeal sat next to it. He needed to go to the market, grab some food for her on the way home. Snatching one of the slices of bread and ripping it in half, he replaced the larger part in the basket, and then shoved the other half into his mouth. Chewing furiously, he stepped out the front door, pulling out a rusted key from his one not-ripped pocket and locking the door behind him.
End of chapter
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139,713 Literary Works • 672,661 Reviews
This was really, really good. There is nothing bad I have to say about it. The only small thing I think would make it better is if you moved the description of the room to somewhere else.
"He glanced back one last time.." and then you describe the entire room. You did it well, but it would seem more natural somewhere else in my opinion. It's just a personal thing; definitely not serious.
Also, in the last sentence, "locking" should be "locked".
Great job! Happy writing!
Hey there!
Well first of all, I have to say this story wasn't as interesting as I expected. What was happening with the girl? Was she asleep or sick? Tell the readers more about her and don't give too much focus on one character. The man himself doesn't seem very exciting as a character and the reader gets bored easily.
Now I notice you use a whole load of "He" and "His" when starting the sentence. Don't, it's repetitive and the the reader can feel it. Use varying sentence structure and keep the sentences of a different length. What you're doing now is pretty monotonous in a way. The narration is not very exciting, and his actions seem pretty rigid.
Know what to focus on in a story. Know what the reader wants to see, not what you want to write. In this case you sidetrack too much from the original plot, there's a whole chunk of text just on the wallpaper and it's not really exciting at all. Why not focus more on the man and the woman? That's definitely a better way of narrating it.
Describe more about what his sister looked like, and how she was feeling. Her movements seemed to be in some form of discomfort, but it wasn't detailed enough, add more detail to that part and focus less on the narration. The reader wants to see life in your characters, not a string of text detailing wallpaper.
The last paragraph could have been excluded from this entire chapter, and the chapter still wouldn't change. Why? No one really wants to read about a guy going to the kitchen and grabbing some snacks to eat. Coupled with that being the supposedly cliffhanger, the reader is left on the edge of the cliff, but not quite hanging yet. It's unexciting, and somehow spoils whatever you were trying to build up before.
Overall what your story needs is more character, and making them unique. I want to see the characters in action, especially the sister, since she's the one seemingly suffering. Know where to elaborate on and where to cut down description on. Know what the reader wants to see and what gets them bored. Work on shortening the not needed parts of the story which only drag it on further.
Thank you for the feedback! I was experimenting with this sort of writing, and I was curious
I completely understand all of your points and I'll work on editing. Sorry to disappoint though. Thanks again for the feedback!
It's great so far! I enjoyed reading it and I can't wait for you to finish the rest of the story! I also agree with Hannah, but I hope you'll be successful on your story.
~SparklingGabbi
Thank you
I appreciate the feedback 
There is only the slightest bit of interest to make me want to keep reading, and I'm not sure why you left us at this point. Obviously, I want to know if this girl is dying or sick or just sleeping. It seems like the brother's worried about her and taking care of her 'cause she can't wake up to get food for herself? He seems to have been trained to be overly attentive which makes me think she's sick and makes me wonder why.
The second thing that interests me is you mention her wild dreams with the wallpaper and the mythical animals and that seems paralleled in your title, so that gives me some idea of where we're going.
But that's what this section really needs to hold enough interest for a reader to want to find the next part: more of an idea of where we're going. I think you can agree that one of the fastest ways to make a reader put down a book is to lead them on and on with nothing that has engaged them. If we're not interested in the first sentence, we might stop right then. BUT if you promise us something's coming, we'll walk with you through almost anything to get to the resolution of the plot. That's what made me read through Twilight even though I couldn't stand the writing (haha, I hated first-person POV before I read that).
The only thing I absolutely abhorred about this piece was this line:
oh gosh! Oh gosh, don't do that. Original ideas are useful in any line of work, any sort of creative pursuit, and to say "she could be a writer!!" is basically a transparent patting yourself on the back sort of thing. The qualification is not needed, so the fact that it's present actually makes her virtue seem untrue, if you understand what I mean. It's like saying, "But I'm telling the truth. Really! I mean it!", and the extra exclamations make it seem suddenly untrue.
The last thing I want to comment about is your description. There's an awful, awful lot of it, and I like that you have put so much time into seeing your place and your characters, but I think there's a threshold past which it becomes too much. For example, though naming all the foods available in the house, you do get some sense of a tone you're trying to build and we can see each of them, is it important for us to go through the list of everything? To take the time to see the bread basket, the four slices, the bruise on the apple, and the cover on the old oatmeal when we could be spending time seeing something else more important to the plot? You could say it more in passing:
"He passed the bruised apple and old oatmeal on the kitchen table in favor of ripping off half of one of the four slices left in the bread basket, then stepped out the door with the bread already in his cheeks."
Whew, we speed through a single sentence full of movement instead of lingering on what seems like still life.
As we move forward in this story, here are my hopes as a reader:
I hope we get to know more about this brother aside from the fact that he cares for his sister. What does he want from life? Before his sister was sick, what did he want? What made him care for her? What's his personal goal? Same goes for his sister. And where are their parents? What sort of living situation leaves him to care for her and get food for her, and how'd they end up with a house at all (even one so old and decrepit)? Give me some realism, and a setting, please. Is the house in a city? In the middle of a field? Warm climate? Cold? Can they keep the house warm, and how? Give me realism and I'll believe they are real characters and want to follow them even more.
I hope this review is helpful to you. PM me or leave me a wall post if you have any questions, comments, or just want to talk.
Good luck! You can message me if you put up the next part, too.
Oh my gosh thank you so much! Your review was really, really helpful!! I realize it's not super captivating, it was sort of an experiment for me. I've never written like this before. Anyway, thanks again
WoW. Just wow. This is amazing. Usually I can find problems with short stories but this one is already editied and everthing. Maybe I'm tired but usually I'm a lot more critical. Are you going to have future installments?
Yeah this was just the beginning. It's actually a very long story, but I didn't want to post a super long thing because that makes people not really want to read it
haha but thank you so much! It means a lot 
and if you want anything reviewed feel free to ask me!!