I walk and I walk,
On this endless road.
I hear voices in my head,
I hear them whisper in my ears,
I hear them screaming for help.
I can see their suffering,
I can feel their pain.
Someone please free me from this place.
I want to get out of this cage,
But my hands are tied to these agonizing chains.
I have been walking on this road
With thousands of other souls,
When a thought comes to my mind,
Who am I?
What's my name?
Where is my home?
Then I finally realize
That I am just another soul,
Walking on this endless road.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I really liked it! You captured the pain, the suffering. At first it seemed to be another poem about awful things in life and such, the ending caught me off guard. Great twist! Keep writing, this poem was very good, and I'm sure you'll find this website very helpful and fun.
Hey there Radid! I'm June, nice to meet you! You have one cool username there
. Welcome to YWS! I think I should just let you know that we have a policy here. You should review at least 2 works by someone else before posting one of your own =].
.
Now! Onto your review!
I like this poem. It's not entirely original, but it speaks strongly with emotion. There are some spelling/grammar issues that I'm going to point out here, but they don't take away from the poem
Great opening for a poem, you set the mood perfectly with these two lines. However! In poetry the ellipsis (...) is seldom used. Often, a comma, or a semi colon is used or no punctuation mark at all. I would take out the ellipsis (...) and leave it like that; it reads beautifully that way.
Correction: wisper should be whisper. Again, drop the ellipsis. Poetry are words that you speak to show your emotion to your audience. It mirrors the feelings you are feeling at the time. Using an ellipsis shows that you're... like, not too sure about anything. If you're not sure about what you're writing about, you should at least be sure that you're writing, and drop all ellipses' (...).
The repetition of "I hear" might not be so good
Correction: screeming should be screaming. Question: How can you actually see their suffering if they're voices in your head? This part kind of confuses. If you clarify it a little, then it might be easier to read. Once again, drop the ellipses' (...). You can replace them with Semicolons, or commas.
Okay, your first three lines here are full of emotion. Good. I think it's a little too forced though. It's kind of like, we already understand that you want to be free. So, just show us what they're in, and show their pain and forced.
Correction: agonising should be agonizing.
Correction: thaught should be thought.
Watch the ellipsis. Not only are they unneccessary in this poem, they are also overused.
Corrections: The pronoun I must always be capitalized. No matter what. Raelize should be spelled, realize.
Also! Shouldn't he be questioning this? Instead of thinking this is a thought? You know? Because, if he's just thinking this as some thought that can easily fade, it's not carrying the same emotion as the rest of the poem.
Remember to keep "I" capitalized. Ditch the ellipsis, too. It's really not needed here.
So! Overall, I liked it. It didn't flow as well as it could if you fixed a few things, but it was good. It held a lot of emotion in it, and the narrator is obviously confused. You did a great job mirroring the confusion, here, well done. The punctuation/spelling errors are only minor mistakes that don't take away much from the poem, it's just better to keep an eye on them because they help the reader to read it as it should be written.
You did a good job, dear. Welcome to YWS! I hope to see more of your work! If you need anything, feel absolutely free to PM me.
I hope I wasn't too harsh on you =D. Forgive me if I was!
June
Ooooh. this was very good! It reminds me of the song "Set Me Free" by Casting Crowns...its about how we are bound by chains and Jesus sets us free (Its Christian obviously))
Anyway, I would get rid of the ellipses. Its not a "distraction" problem per se just that its not the most professional thing in the world. Don't worry, I don't get it either
Thought
Capitalize I please and its "realize".
Other than that, I think it is great. I would like it to be a little longer so I can get a full feel of what you are trying to get across though right now it is very good. Reminds of the poems I've tried to write
Also, Welcome to YWS! Don't forget to post a 'ello on the Welcome thread under Community forums so more people can say hi. Feel free to PM (private message) me if you have any qs.