Cold,
I feel so cold.
Trapped inside this
Icy cold snow.
I can see a faint light
In front of my eyes.
I try to move,
but my body doesn't react.
I try to call for help,
But the words wont come out.
It can't be over,
I can't go now,
Not yet,
I have to live,
I just have to,
For you,
I must,
Live.
I try,
I try with all my strength,
to keep my eyes open.
But I just can't,
And slowly,
So slowly,
My eyes close.
And with a flash,
I see my life
Pass before my eyes.
And I see,
And I see you.
Your standing right in front of me..
And then I see all the time
We spent together.
I still have this ring in my hand,
Are these tears coming out of my eyes?
I always wanted to say something to you,
But I guess I won't get a chance to.
June,
Will you be my wife.
Cold,
I feel so cold.
I guess I'll just take
A little nap,
And close my eyes
For a while.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Two and slowlies' doesn't make sense, try:
"And slowly,
So slowly,
My eyes close."
It should be: "Are these tears coming out of my eyes?"
Good poem, very deep.
At first I just thought this was like To Build a Fire like Jack London, which I hate. But the more I read it, the more I liked it.
I like the repetition. It gives the feel that he's losing control of this thoughts, like he is his body. However, I think you use cold too many times in the first four lines. I'd take the "cold" out of the forth line.
This doesn't make sense. Do you mean fading or faint, perhaps?
Usually this is said, "Pass in front of my eyes" or "Pass before my eyes." Pass through my eyes makes me think of laser beams. And I think you use eyes too many times in that stanza.
I love the ending. Is he on his way to meet her, is that why he has the ring in his hand? Where is he? Why? Good piece. Well done.
rachel