Oh dearest children,
don't look back
upon these stones you crack,
for soon comes the day
you be a guest at my funeral.
Dig with me,
the lifeless things,
those stagnant oceans,
and pale trees,
for I, your mother,
can't see you snivel at nostalgia.
Play easy
with these toys of yours,
sway them with love
like I did,
for I shred off,
getting them to you.
Stand on me this last time,
caress the winds that remain,
touch these silvery threads
glistered by the moon,
for it'll dissolve in thin air.
Oh child,
make some last creases
upon a holy folio,
and let it dip in my puddles,
for I shed my last waters
along a sunny smile.
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140,252 Literary Works • 673,073 Reviews
Hello again!
Ooh, I really like this topic. I like that you're speaking from Earth's perspective, but some things don't make sense from that point of view.
I think you might want to use "you will" or "you'll", because it will be happening in the future. Also, I understand the funeral part, as we're kind of abusing the earth and that would indicate death, but would humans even be around to witness this death? It's your choice, but I think it would be cool if you said something like share a funeral, or die together, like we can't survive without the earth.
I don't think the phrasing quite fits here. I would go for, "Stand on me one last time" or something akin to that instead.
Glistered by the moon? Given the meaning of glistered, (which is an odd word, but a cool one, so I'm glad you decided to use it) it doesn't fit here. It's like saying "glowed by the moon". The moon can glister, but something can't be glistered by the moon. Nothing can be glistered. You could use another word (or even the same word, if you can work it in right) and say something like, "in the glistening moonlight". Glistening is very similar, and a little easier to use in my opinion.
This is a very nice theme, and I love your imagery here! I also like how you say "child", which kind of gives us the picture of "Mother Earth" from a different perspective. I think that's quite creative. Good luck with your writing!
-Falco
Thank you for your review.
Hello, Steggy here for a short review!
The title of this poem caught my attention because I love anything dealing with nature. You described the feeling of earth as a person (in other words, personification). There was tons of imagery throughout this poem, which adds onto the theme. Though, as I was reading it, I did notice a type of rhyming but it wasn't there. Like, in some parts of the poem, there would be rhyming couplet then other times it was just a beat. Like in the beginning stanza, I felt the rhyming was a bit forced than what it seems. A suggestion I give everyone would be re-read your work before publishing. That way you can catch mistakes before anyone else can!
I'm a little confused about this part. I'm sorta getting this image of nature giving something to a person but what are they giving to them? Also, I don't think sway would be the right word but in replacement of that, you could use "swing" or "give them love". Though, that is up to you.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. It is clean and the imagery is wonderful throughout. I hope to see your work in the future. If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
That stanza means that we humans have been chasing behind toys, i.e. materialistic things, and the Earth has been suffering giving them to us.