The sun grows long
In the Applewood sky,
Where the clouds are all wrong,
And the birds can’t deny
In the Applewood sky,
We have seen far too much,
And the birds can’t deny
What they did on a hunch.
“We have seen far too much!”
Cries the ground far below.
“What they did on a hunch,
We can never let go.”
Cries the ground far below
As birds dive to attack
“We can never let go!
All who fight will be cracked!”
As birds dive to attack,
To split open the earth,
All who fight will be cracked,
Killed with great mirth.
To split open the earth
With our deeds, we have tried.
Killed with great mirth,
Dead in our pride.
Where the ground is scared silent,
Where the clouds are all wrong,
Where the flowers bruise violet,
The sun grows long.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello there! Akelia here for a review!
This review will be separated into two parts. In the place of critiquing I am doing "Sour" and "Sweet." The sours are the things that you can do better and work on, and the sweets are the things that you did well. Let's get on with it!
Sweets: I loved the rhyming in this poem, it was very easy to read and the similarity allowed it to flow well and it sounded very smooth. I also appreciated how you put the quotations on the things the birds said in the poem, not a lot of people do that. That was well done!
Sours: You will be glad to know that there wasn't much that I could nit-pick. The only things I noticed were how at the end of some of the sentences you have "cracked-" the line at the end of the words, while in others you have commas. I recommend you use only commas in this case, because the lines were somewhat distracting. The other thing I noticed was that it was a bit hard to distinguish what was going on at first, what you could do is just add a few descriptions of who is being attacked and make it a little more clear.
All in all, it was very well done. Good job and never stop writing!
-Akelia
Thank you so much for your comments! They were very helpful
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
I really enjoyed reading this poem because of its concept, imagery, rhyme scheme. Love the beat and imagery of ground, birds trees, earth all of which are full of symbolic meaning.
My understanding
I see it as a commentary on human foolishness where mankind repeatedly uses violence instead of calm negotiation. The birds being high above on trees to me signified that the attackers feel they always have the moral high ground. Those on the ground are grounded in truth.
Here is my only suggestion:
As the birds dive-attack, [This prevents the word "to" from interrupting the two beat line.]
"Sun lingers long" is an option.
After reading it once again I like the way it is organized on the page so I erased my previous reorganizing example.
Very good poem! Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
Thank you for your suggestions. I really love how you take the time to analyze my poems. Even I don't put that level of thought into the underlying message! Thank you for helping me see that.
The tree is also considered sometimes as an allusion to Eden where Christians believe all of our interpersonal troubles began.