July 9, 2007. It was a foggy morning and two men were walking into the Village Hidden Amongst the Leaves. A bodyguard walked up to the gate to ask why they were at the village. Before he could even say a word, one of the two men glanced at him, killing him instantly and the men continued into the village.
They went to a tea shop to think about how they were going to go about getting their item. All of a sudden a Leaf Jounin, known by the name of Kakashi, walked up behind them with two other Jounin, Asuma and Kurenai. Kakashi glanced at the two men as he stood behind them talking to Kurenai and Asuma.
Asuma looked at Kakashi and said, “What are you doing here Kakashi?''
"I’m just waiting on Sasuke to talk with him about Obito Uchiha.” Kakashi replied. The two men behind Kakashi glanced back and vanished.
Kakashi looked back. ''Go see what those two are up to. I have a bad feeling about this.”
The two men were spotted walking down the trail on their way to the training field. Just as they got to the bridge, Kurenai and Asuma appeared.
Asuma looked at them. "I can't believe what I’m seeing. I never thought you'd have the guts to show up here again...Itachi Uchiha.”
Itachi removed his hat. “I have no intentions of killing you.” He said calmly.
“That’s funny coming from a guy who killed his whole clan for the hell of it.”
The other guy finally spoke. "Hey, big brother, these people are annoying me. Can't we just kill them and leave?"
Itachi looked at him and nodded.
Kakashi appeared, suddenly. "Hold it right there you two." He said as he pulled out his kunai. Kakashi the looked at the other the man that was with Itachi. "Who are you and why are you with him?"
The man was quiet, then spoke. “My name is Ryu Uchiha, the Sharingan successor."
Kakashi looked shocked and told everyone to close their eyes as he activated his Sharingan and closed his right eye.
Itachi looked at Kakashi. "True, you may be able to withstand the Mangekyou Sharingan Tsyukyomi for a matter of time if you have a Sharingan, but nonetheless no one can with stand two simultaneous Mangekyou Sharingan."
“Big brother, why not let me introduce your friends to my Amaterasu Tsyukyomi?”
Itachi looked at Ryu. “If we did that we'd leave a trace that we were here.”
Ryu then looked off with a non-caring look. “Brother you’re to soft. Amaterasu won’t leave anything but their ashes. See?” He blinked his eyes at Kurenai. Her body suddenly burst into flames and turned to ashes.
Kakashi grabbed Asuma and vanished. Itachi looked at Ryu and said, "Now we must go for they will be on high alert now.”
"You can go.” Ryu said. “I’m going to stay and finish what I came to do.”
“Very well." Itachi said. He disappeared, leaving Ryu to fight his battle.
Ryu sat on the ground waiting for his opponents to arrive, but all of a sudden a strange man appeared. "Kabuto was right you are a rare Uchiha to have that type of Sharingan.” Ryu looked up.
“And you are?"
"My name is Orochimaru and I’m one of the 3-"
"Whatever." Ryu cut him off. “I don’t care who you are, but what the hell do you want?"
Orochimaru glared at him. "I wish to destroy this decrepit village and obtain the legendary Sharingan.”
Ryu then laughed at him. “Even if you did get a Sharingan, you’d just end up like Kakashi. Weak and pathetic.”
Orochimaru just smiled. “You see that's where you're wrong. You see I invent jutsus and it just so happens I invented a way to use Sharingan and gain the Uchiha blood line to use the so called, Mangekyou Sharingan."
Ryu looked at him. “Well, is there any way you can bring back the dead?”
Ok. Now as I'm reading over the other comments: I TOTALLY agree with Sumi! Sumi and Dynamo are both total geniuses and they are both right!!
Why did you write this crud? (Sorry I really don't like to insult people, but I have to at some point)
Oh, and I hated the way you portrayed Orochimaru, Itachi, and Kakashi. You didn't bring out there characters and at, and it's like your wrote about their opposite sides!
Orochimaru= 
Kakashi=
Itachi=
~Timea
Hey!
Audra told me to comment, so here! I shall crit as I go along.
July 9, 2007. It was a foggy morning and two men were walking into the Village Hidden Amongst the Leaves.
A bodyguard walked up to the gate to ask why they were at the village.
Before he could even say a word, one of the two men glanced at him, killing him instantly and the men continued into the village.
They went to a tea shop to think about how they were going to go about getting their item. All of a sudden a Leaf Jounin, known by the name of Kakashi, walked up behind them with two other Jounin, Asuma and Kurenai. Kakashi glanced at the two men as he stood behind them talking to Kurenai and Asuma.
I’m just waiting on Sasuke to talk with him about Obito Uchiha.” Kakashi replied. The two men behind Kakashi glanced back and vanished.
Itachi removed his hat. “I have no intentions of killing you.” He said calmly.
he activated his Sharingan and closed his right eye.
.He blinked his eyes at Kurenai. Her body suddenly burst into flames and turned to ashes
Orochimaru glared at him. "I wish to destroy this decrepit village and obtain the legendary Sharingan.”
Orochimaru just smiled. “You see that's where you're wrong. You see I invent jutsus and it just so happens I invented a way to use Sharingan and gain the Uchiha blood line to use the so called, Mangekyou Sharingan."
me.
Erm I couldn't read anymore than a few lines. Even a Fan Fiction should be realistic this was like so bad. You just kept jumping here ther everywhere I'm suprised I didn't get motion sick. I never got to Mary Sue characters but please make the start better.
OK, I'm just going to stop you for a second. Um, what in the holy name of God possessed you to write this piece of crap? Where's the back story? Where's the realism? Where the hell is the originality!? I don't even know why I bothered reading this in the first place. It was so bad I'm surprised I haven't already died from boredom. And why would you think that their date is the same as ours? How could somebody burst into flames in a single glance? I have to ask, were you dropped on your head as a child or did you consume one too many paint chips? You need to go back, erase everything you've written and start over.
And before you start getting mad and whining at me saying, "You're a jerk! You have no right to be insulting me like this!" you should take a minute to think about why I'm saying this in the first place. I've been writing for longer than you have, I know what makes a story good and what makes it look like crap. It's up to you to find that out yourself and make a better story on your own. The people above have tried to sugar-coat the fact that your writing sucks, but I'm just saying what needs to be said. You have to really stop and think if you're really cut out for this writing stuff. Because I've got to tell you, after reading this I really don't think you've got what it takes.
Mr. Tony, Ayumi and I told you what we thought about this character, and you wouldn't listen. There's no reasonable way someone can kill a person in a single glance. Especially, making them burst into flames. I recommend giving him faults. And I don't recommend removing Kisame from the scene. I'll have to work with you on this...
Mary-Sue alert! Mary-Sue alert! Code red! CODE RED! :shinobi jump in wearing lime green rubber suits and proceed to fill the room with smoke:
EDIT....I return for a real critique. 
Firstly, I hope you know the definition of a Mary Sue? The term refers to a fanfictional character --oftenest a representation of the author, an alter-ego -- that is, in every sense, perfect.
They're commonly good-looking, sexy, can fight to kill the most powerful character in the series, and, in the case of most rabid fandoms, end up in a romantic relationship with whatever character the Mary-Sue author has a crush on. Or, as displayed in this piece of fic, a relative to a canon character.
Their stories typically end one of two ways: the first is, of course, romantically entangled with a canon character. The second is that the 'Sue dies a horribly tragic/noble end, commonly protecting a canon character, and then everybody/the canon characters the author likes go into serious mourning.
They sing well, get along with everybody the author likes (or hate them, but somehow they grow on each other), have personalized weapons, rare --in the case of Naruto -- kekkei genkais and are either loners or complete and total preps.
(As you can see, I know my stuff. :looks over glasses:)
The first key to writing a good character is flaws. Flaws everywhere. The more the better. This is not my strongest flank, come writing, but I'm especially pushy about it in fanfiction. Especially Naruto fanfiction. (Ask Ayumi. )
Think about it -- Kakashi's a pretty balanced dude in my opinion. He's a good fighter, but he's totally aloof most of the time. (I swear the guy's on crack) He can laugh at himself (sometimes...THERE IS ANOTHER MASK) but he's a pervert.
See what I'm getting at?
Let's look at the evidence:
1. He blows up Kurenai with a glance.
Oh, yes. Totally within the laws of physics. 
He doesn't sustain Chakra loss? Not that we can see. No hand-seals?
Pur-lease.
2. He gets cocky with a Sannin.
I don't know if you've been keeping up with the manga, but you should know that 'Chimaru is no pushover. He fights Jiraiya and Tsunade eventually, and managed to keep them off. Therefore, to put this mathematically, "Ryu(insultingOrochimaru)=stupid(idiot)". (The pun in his name, I might add, is most certainly unfunny)
3. He gets...a personality change, I think?
"Well can you bring back the dead?"
OK, let me get this straight. Ryu's insulting 'Chimaru and sneering at him and basically playing your typical, cliche, overconfident villain and suddenly he says, "can you bring back the dead?"
Wait for it...wait for it...
REALITY CHECK!
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boo.
4. Bad dialogue.
Baaaaaaaaaaaaad dialogue.
...OK. If you must write fanfiction, I suggest you at least study how the characters think and talk.
5. General Unbelieve-ableness
So.
We're expected to believe that 1) another Uchiha survived 2) he's stronger than his older brother/cousin/whatever 3) he can vaporize people by blinking at them 4) Itachi would give in without a fight 5) 'Chimaru would be hanging around Konoha when he's one of the world's most notorious wanted-nins 6) even, assuming that the power of blinking at people blows them up, it takes a total of no Chakra? Even Kisame, the person with the most stamina in the entire series would be winded after something like that....
Oh, I could go on and on and on.
In one sentence? Scrap this, start over without an OC. Learn how to write the original characters and THEN proceed to add in your own [s]alter-ego[/s] character.
~Ink
120,240 Literary Works • 649,231 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 195
Donate