This is an original science-fiction series set in my own universe. I hope you enjoy it, and I'd love constructive feedback!
CHAPTER 1: THE EGG
Some time ago, there was a little boy named William Myers who lived in a research facility known as NEXUS, hidden on the remote island of Santa Maria off the coast of Mexico.
While other children grew up in towns and cities, William grew up surrounded by laboratories, brilliant scientists, and secrets no one outside the island was ever meant to discover.
Laughter echoed through one of the corridors.
“What's all that commotion about? Get back to work!” a supervisor shouted.
“Sorry for the disturbance, sir. It won't happen again,” an employee replied before hurrying away.
In another room, the lead scientist of NEXUS, Dr. Lincoln Myers, knelt beside his son with a warm smile. For a brief moment, the world's greatest genetic engineer wasn't a scientist—he was simply a father playing with his child.
Then everything changed.
BEEEEEP! BEEEEEP!
Red emergency lights flooded the facility.
A cold computerized voice echoed through every hallway.
> “WARNING. PROJECT PRIME HAS AWAKENED. EVACUATE THE FACILITY IMMEDIATELY.”
Within seconds, NEXUS descended into complete chaos.
Scientists sprinted toward Sublevel 7, desperately hoping they could contain whatever had escaped before it reached the upper levels.
Lincoln's expression changed instantly.
He grabbed William's hand and ran toward the emergency helipad.
The helicopter's engines were already starting.
Lincoln turned to his assistant.
“Linda… take care of him for me.”
She stared at him in disbelief.
“Sir, I can't accept that responsibility. You should go with him—I’ll stay and help contain this.”
Lincoln shook his head.
“No.”
Before Linda could argue, he gently pushed William into the helicopter, slammed the door shut, and signaled the pilot to take off.
The rotors roared.
William pressed his hand against the window.
“Dad!”
Lincoln stood motionless on the landing pad as the helicopter disappeared into the storm.
It was the last time William Myers would ever see his father.
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Canary word: Present
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
I'm kinda confused why you called this your original story but then tagged it as fanfiction? :)
I would have loved to know what the general reaction to the fact that Prime awakened has been. Yes, everyone panics and runs around all scared but.... What is the immediate reaction? Denial "this cant be" or are they resigned "ofc, with the bad work safety, Prime awakening was an inevitability"?
I like how the scientists themselves try to take responsibility here! :3
Hi!
This is a very quick and brief chapter. I think the cover is AI-generated, and it would be great if you could change it! You can use the YWS cover generator or choose an image that reflects the story, but we generally steer away from AI here.
This feels more like a blurb than the start of a chapter. You could show us this information through dialogue or action, or thought, rather than just telling us. It is an interesting plot though!
I think this is where you should start the story, with some action!
You don't really do a lot of describing in this chapter. There is some dialogue and a lot of telling. Maybe you could draw out the scene and describe the facility, what people look like, whether people are hurrying away, are they shouting etc? It's way too fast-paced to get any sense of place.
I agree with Dom below that some lines seem like they might be AI written. Lets not do that and strengthen our writing through practice and skill!
A very interesting premise for a story though
Yo, Ryn.
I'll be straight up: right now, this isn't enough to review PROPERLY. But these are just my thoughts based off what is on page:
The shift from scene-setting to scene-commencement is too abrupt. Always go from grand to small as slowly as possible - add another line describing the facility here, for instance, before going "laughter echoed...". Also, the opening sentences need to be reworked. They're too generic, brother. Be vivid, write unique!
The second sentence reads like AI, specifically ChatGPT. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, because I'm good natured, but just know that AI is VERY easy to spot. If you intend to submit to magazines or agents, be aware that they'll reject your 'script out of hand for sentences like that.
Aside from that, nothing really notable - good or bad. I think this just needs more time. Best of luck!