Chronicle of Carter
For those of you who don’t know, a fresh start doesn’t mean that you’re going to somehow make yourself reborn. Nor does it mean that all those lingering mistakes won’t stop haunting you. But that’s what I’m going keep telling myself it means. Because deep down inside, I’m deteriorating, losing my sanity. Haunted by the lies and the innocent people who I’ve hurt. Now it’s my time – My time to become something greater, something better than I was before. A new chance to un-write the already written, to clear my name, this is my chance to run away from the past. And finally have a new start.
The airport seems dull at this time of hour. Then again I wouldn’t expect it to be crowded like Times Square. Nothing was ever too populated here. The damn town was mostly isolated by dense jungle, which surrounded us like an island in the middle of the sea. The only way out – the only way to escape, is this little dirt road airport that stands out among the town. The only true signature landmark of Baytown, aside from the lake to east at the very edge of the town, besides that it’s the only thing I’ll remember when I’m gone.
The main building here is no larger than an average sized school gym. It’s completely wooden built, mostly all the houses and other buildings here are. Nothing changes. I look around admiring the peace that the early morning seemed to bring. I smelt the coffee and listened to the wild animals calling to each other every now and then. Peaceful. I closed my eyes hoping to get some rest before catching our plane. Who knows how much rest I’d be getting until we get to Nepal. Nepal is so far away from Africa, but it would certainly be a change in scenery. Something I’ve been dying for lately.
My eyes flickered open as I felt a strong firm grip wrap around my shoulder. I could smell the smoke from the cigar that he had been smoking pulsate off his shirt. I almost coughed a bit. I look up to meet his eyes, I could tell everything he stood for just by looking at them. They were a dark brown, serious, but also caring. I opened my mouth to speak, “You really should stop sneaking up on me like that old man, one day you’re going to get hurt.” He managed to let out a laugh before responding, “I could teach you a thing or too kid.” We both laugh and I get up to greet him. Vince has always been there for me since the beginning. He’s all that I’ve known and have had since my parents died. I couldn’t ask for anyone better though to look after me.
Vince is in his early fifties but he knew how to fight, once I caught him beating the crap out of this person who had threatened him at the meat market only a day before. He’s a soft-spoken type of guy. But he easily has a side that you don’t want to come across. I grab my carry-on off the floor and follow Vince as he walks toward the small door leading out to the airfield. I take one last quick look around before approaching the small Cessna. My eyes meet the small wooden shack at the very south end of the field. It’s empty now, no one comes in or out of its doors, no sounds come from it besides the creaking of the wooden pieces that hold the foundation together.
The plane starts to come to life as the engine roars and the propellers start to fire up, spinning at speeds that almost make it look like there is nothing there. The door props open, Vince already sitting in the pilot’s seat making sure that everything is in order. I climb up throw my carry-on behind me and shut the door. Within minutes we are airborne, flying towards our future and leaving behind our past. We are travelers moving on, moving on to the better..
My name is Carter, I’ve been hiding in a remote
Small town deep in the jungles of Africa.
There are people out to get me.
The government wants to use me.
They want what I have, but I will not give it to them.
They will stop at nothing.
Neither will I…
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Canary word: Present
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Hi.
Ok first things first you have to decide on your tense.
For example one minute you are saying
Then you are saying
You are still talking about Vince but one minute you are talking about him in the present and the next in the past. Just figure out what tense you want.
Now that that is out of the way I would like to say that this is good because it is. The first paragraph is brilliant but then it sort of slides a bit.
It doesn't become terrible, not at all but it just doesn't have that same intensity that it started of with.
Because of the massive change between the first and second paragraphs I suggest trying to change bits and pieces so that it is smoother and the flow stays the same.
I hope that you understand what I am saying. Try something like this for the start of the second paragraph.
If you don't want to do this then that's fine (it's your story) but maybe change the first paragraph to a prologue.
One thing I would work on is showing us the story not just telling it. Many people (including myself) just give a recount of what is happening instead of actually showing us. You can do this by being more descriptive but that will come with practise.
Last thing, read through your work as if you're reading it for the first time so that you are able to pick up mistakes and things that don't quite make sense.
You have done a good job in setting up the story and have brought a sense of mystery into it which is great. Keep it up!
Nargles xx