Gemini

Gemini John Guerrero

I look at myself in the mirror, my dark hair falling to my shoulders, my green eyes staring back at me; I'm beautiful. Something I don't want to be. Something I'm trying to run away from. But can't seem to do, it's like I'm chained to the wall, running in space without really moving. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many day's pass on by. I'm still me. I'm still the same pretty girl. The same girl who got raped, and in everyone's eyes that'll never change. I've read passages about forgetting the past; I've heard stories of forgiving, but how can I when something so foul was done to me? How can I learn to accept it. . .I can't.

I'm starting to think it wasn't his fault, I feel like it was mine. I feel trapped in a battle with myself. I don't know who to blame but myself. I shouldn't have smiled at him, maybe it could have been prevented. Maybe if I hadn't acted so friendly towards him, none of this would have happen. It's not his fault. It's mine. I shake my head, I'm not thinking straight it's his fault, not mine. How can I be sure though? My reflection in the mirror stares back at me, tears are rolling down the sides of my cheeks. I'm crying and I don't even realize it. My makeup is all smeared across my face. I grab a tissue from the counter and wipe it against my cheeks. The blue eye linear stains the tissue. I start sobbing, I'm breaking down, deteriorating in front of myself like a bomb counting down.

I'm broken, I don't know if I can be fixed. I don't know if I can find the light. I'm a ship lost at sea, a sailor without hope. A beacon flashing in distress, prying someone will see me, prying someone will rescue me. That's all I need; to be rescued. Someone to hold me tight and never let go. My hands are shaking and I'm breathing deeply, tears fall from my face and splash against the wooden floor. My heart is beating faster than normal, I can't control myself. I've lost control. I feel my legs becoming weaker, I can feel them barely holding to keep me up. I grab onto the counter for strength, but it's not enough, my legs give out. I come crashing down hard onto the floor, hitting my head in the progress. I sit there in my own tears, crying, shaking, trembling with fear.

I hear my bedroom door open, the sound of heavy footsteps entering. I try to open my mouth, I try to make words but I can't, "Gemini!" I hear my father's voice yell. I struggle to say something, I can't fight back the tears and sobs. I can't fight this, but I need too, "Dad." Finally it comes out. I did it, I said something. I try again, I battle myself, I battle the fear "I'm in here!" I say. My bathroom door swings open, the look on my father's face, horrified, as if seeing something out of a horror film. He stares for a moment, shocked, not knowing how to approach me. Inside I'm just asking to be held though. To have him wrap his arms around me.

He slowly moves towards me, then begins to slide down the side of the wall next to me. He grabs a hold of me and then pushes my head onto his chest, wrapping his arms around my body, squeezing me tight, running his fingers through my hair. I continue to sob, I hear him take a deep breath, I listen to his heart beat while I try to stabilize myself, "Will get through this, you hear me Gem, will get through this." I hear him say. I want to say something back to him, but I just can't "I love you Gem, you know I do, I'm here now baby, don't cry no more, daddy's here." The crying begins to stop, the shaking disappears, my heart is slowing down, I'm stabilizing.

My heart matches his beat's now, my lungs fill with air and release normally again. I regain control. . .I regain control. I open my mouth and ready myself to speak, "Dad" I say. He looks down towards me, his eyes meeting mine for the first time today. I look into them and see myself, I see what I've become, I've become a burden to him. An injured animal whimpering for help, a lost dog begging for food. That's what I am, "Thank you, thank you for coming for me." I can see him beginning to tear up, the water in his eyes pleading to be released. He holds it back though, attempting to remain strong for me, "Of course my little angel, of course I'd come for you."

He stands up and pulls me with him, grabs a hold of my hand firmly and leads me out of the bathroom. We don't stop to sit on my bed, we leave my room and travel down the hall. Pictures of him and my mom line the walls. The bright light emitting from the hallway hurts my eyes, it's too bright. I feel like I've been living in a cave for weeks. More importantly I feel unsafe. I want to go back to my room. I want to be safe. We head downstairs where the scent of fresh fruit fills my nose. It smells like heaven, a false heaven. The urge to turn back and run to my room stills lingers. For the past week my room is all I've known. It's where I've spent every day, nowhere else but there. Nowhere else.

We enter the dining room and sit at the table, my mom already there. My dad let's go of my hand, "No!" I yell and quickly grab it back. They both look startled, "Sorry" I say. They look at each other then back towards me, "It's okay dear, your alright." I hear my mom say. I loosen up the grip on his head and slowly let go, "I'm alright." I lie. I look down at the plate in front of me, it's filled with strawberry's, pineapple, toast, and eggs. I never had to come down and get breakfast but today. Today is different, today I have to go back to school, and it terrifies me. I'm afraid to leave the house. Scared of stepping out of the door.

I grab the fork and begin to eat, they watch me. They can't help it, I've been having nightmares every night, breakdowns almost every day. They're concerned for me, I can't blame them, I'd be to. My mom smiles at me, "Are you excited for school today, Gem?" I look at her then back down at my plate. I move the food around with my fork, "I think I am." I smile and look back at her. I'm lying though, I'm not excited, I'm frightened. She smiles, "Good, I'm glad. It'll be good seeing your friends again. I'm sure they miss you." She says as my dad agrees "How could they not?" He says. I look at him, "Right." I say.

I've barely touched my food, I look at both their plates and everything is gone. They've eaten it clean, nothing is left. My mom takes my dad and her plates to the kitchen sink. My dad looks at me, "You know, you're going to have to take a shower today." He says. I look away from him, "I know." I say as I wipe away a tear from my eye. I don't want to be clean, I want to be dirty, I want to look ugly. I want to smell bad so no one sits near me. I'm afraid it'll happen again. If I'm clean, I'm beautiful. It's what I'm running from.

He reaches to me and I feel his strong hand grip my shoulders. It causes me to shake a little, but I'm okay, "Are you sure you're ready Gem?" He says softly. I nod my head in return. Inside I'm disagreeing with myself though, I don't think I'll ever be ready for anything anymore. He lets go of me, "Alright then, just remember, you don't have to go back today. We can do this another day." He says. I shake my head, "No, I need to do it today." I stand up, and begin walking towards the stairs, I pause for a minute at the first step, turn my head and say, "Thank you for breakfast." I didn't even eat though. I couldn't find the strength.

I walk up the stairs slowly, I'm weak. It feels like an impossible task, but I do it. I head towards my room, and back into the bathroom. I undress, and step into the shower. I turn the handle and water begins to fall. The water hides my tears, the sound of the droplets hitting the ground cover my crying. I've been able to avoid this all week, and now I'm here, standing in the shower becoming clean, becoming pretty. Whatever smears of eye linear that remained from my face are completely washed off. I cover myself in shampoo, and by the end of everything I am clean. I turn off the shower and step out. Dry myself off and cover in a warm fresh towel. It warms me, and it feels good.

I walk out of the bathroom and stand next to my dresser. These clothes won't do. I tiptoe out of the bedroom and into my parent's room. My father wears an extra large in shirts, and a size 40 waist. I steal some of his clothes and take them back to my room. I dress in them, they're way too big for me. I don't care though, it hides my body in what feels to me like a cocoon. I look at myself in the mirror and take a long deep breathe. I can do this, I can overcome this. I can find the light, I'm sure of it. I'm struggling to keep the pants on as I walk downstairs. The shirt I'm wearing could practically be a dress on me. I walk back into the dining room, my father looks at me and then nods his head, as if understanding, "I'm ready." I say.

He stands up and grabs his keys off of the table, "Okay." He adds. He smiles at me and I do the same back to him. I walk over and take a hold of his hand in mine, we open the front door together then pause. I close my eyes and recite a poem in my head. Once more into the fray. . .Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. . .Live and die on this day. We both step out together, as the door closes behind us. I'm terrified.