Published December 30, 2008
Not sure if there is where it belongs but, here it goes. The title isn't permanent, not sure if I like it too much.
By: Ralph Gallagher
He walked by that day
And I said, I must be dreaming.
He was too perfect to be true;
Those eyes, that hair and his perfect smile.
I never believed in love at first sight,
‘till I saw him walk by me that day
I remember saying,
If I am dreaming
Let this dream never end,
For this dream
Is better than reality.
Momma says,
There are other fish in the sea.
But I don’t care about them,
Cause he’s the one for me.
Oh what I wouldn’t give,
To relive this dream again
Cause he’s the one for me.
What could have changed,
To make his perfection
Fade away?
My love for him goes on
But he’s not the person
He used to be.
Momma says,
There are other fish in the sea.
But I don’t care about them,
Cause he’s the one for me.
Oh what I wouldn’t give,
To relive this dream again
Cause he’s the one for me.
I wish I could make things work,
To relive that dream again.
But the dream is gone,
And only the memory remains.
But soon enough,
The memory will fade
And you’ll be gone forever,
And I’ll be alone again.
Momma says,
There are other fish in the sea.
But I don’t care about them,
Cause you’re still the one for me.
Oh what I wouldn’t give,
To relive this dream again
Cause you’re still the one for me.
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This should be in lyrics, I think
Anyways, it's beautifully written. However, after you say "Momma says" there should be quotes around her statement.
I agree with silverSUNLIGHTx; the repetition of dream kind of messes up that stanza.
Other than that, I really liked this. Great job.
You need dialogue marks around "I must be dreaming."
Comma after hair.
Period anyone? you need one.
Once again, dialogue marks " "
Momma says,
There are other fish in the sea.
But I don’t care about them,
Cause he’s the one for me.
Oh what I wouldn’t give,
To relive this dream again
Cause he’s the one for me. --Dialouge marks, all of it after 'Momma says,
Momma says,
There are other fish in the sea.
But I don’t care about them,
Cause he’s the one for me.
Oh what I wouldn’t give,
To relive this dream again
Cause he’s the one for me.--Dialogue marks, all of it after 'Momma says,
Momma says,
There are other fish in the sea.
But I don’t care about them,
Cause you’re still the one for me.
Oh what I wouldn’t give,
To relive this dream again
Cause you’re still the one for me.--Dialogue marks, all of it after 'Momma says,
You repeated three stanzas, the exact same! That isn't very good. I've heard and even wrote poems that had some repetition in them, but never like this. You have some grammar issues as well.
Polish it up and get rid of those massive repetitions. I'll be back when you do so, PM me.
All the best.
---Jon---
This just has a really endearing quality. It's hard to dislike it.
I understand your repetition of the one stanza, but within the first two stanzas there is awkward repetition. Jade mentioned about "dream". Also, in the first stanza you mentioned "perfect" twice, and "walk by" twice. you could express things differently, keep the same feel, and make it more powerful.
This is going to sound harsh, but isn't this a little cliche? i love the feel you've created, but is there anyways to make it more original in some way?
well done. i look forward to some more!
rachel
Hey, I really liked this poem. You have a lot of nice descriptions throughout that were not too much, but not too little, which I enjoyed.
Some things I would change:
The repetition of "dream" here is a little messy. I'd change it.
Also the constant repetition of "Cause he's the only one for me" makes it sound more like a child's poem, I'd take a few of them out to make it flow nicer.
Nice job, keep writing. :]
-jade.
Beautiful! I'm curious as to where the inspiration for this came from. I think the title is fine, although I would either make it all lowercase or "Other Fish in the Sea." Another option is to have a title that reveals more about the characters - even his name or her name.
The 'chorus' is, I think, my favorite part. It has an excellent rhythm and nice, subtle, rhyming - just perfect for this poem.
I only have two notes (shocking, isn't it!):
Since you are using punctuation, a period at the end of this line wraps it up nicely. If you want to be *really* picky, the apostrophe should face the other way (I told you it was picky!).
This is completely your choice as the author, but I personally feel that it's more powerful like this:
The memory will fade;
You’ll be gone forever,
And I’ll be alone again.
(The semicolon could be a hypen or even a period, too.)
Again, that's just my opinion there, but I thoroughly enjoyed this. Congrats on a lovely poem