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Where Sands Rust

by R33SES

blank lines

scribblings in the sand
these dunes
they rise
etched from divine hands

not god
this tragedy creates
for from devil
comes these wastes

beneath tarnished hills
of men dead
and souls till

their harvest?
barren, worn hands
no growth
no green
taints these lands

and yet
climbing from behind
and meager
tho difficult to find

gods do pass
to mock
or to weep
at this lonesome mass

and those
tears of lust
how desperate
when the desert rusts

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7 Reviews

Points: 367
Reviews: 7

Stickied -- Wed Feb 07, 2024 8:24 am
R33SES says...

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30 Reviews

Points: 4067
Reviews: 30

Wed Feb 07, 2024 3:32 am
avianwings47 wrote a review...

Hello hello, fellow author! Today, I’ll be using the

Review Monster!

(Don’t worry, he’s actually very friendly!) This Review template is inspired by the wonderful YWS S'more Method! This will be a rather lengthy review, since I found a lot to analyze here! Let's stomp to it!

The Glowing Eyes:

First Impressions!
The first thing that caught my eye was the unique structure of this poem! The left-side alignment gives the poem a mystical and distant feel, which adds to the poem's overall feel.
At first glance, I thought this poem told more of a story. It is a tale of a barren wasteland with lost souls, void of any vegetation. But on my second read-through, the last stanza really caught my eye. By saying "tears of lust/ how desperate", you introduce a new theme to the reader; a theme of loneliness and longing. After reading this, I thought this piece was an extended metaphor comparing a desert to the feeling of loneliness. And I must say, you did an amazing job with it if this was your intent!
Also, keep in mind that these are just my interpretations, so feel free to correct me if I got the wrong idea. :D

The Fluffy Fur:

Things I Loved!
As I mentioned before, I really enjoyed the unique structure of this poem. It's always refreshing to see something new and unique in poetry, and you really packed a punch with this one. Not only with the use of left-side alignment but also with the lack of punctuation and capitalization. These choices further amplify the feeling of loneliness and desolation.
Your imagery throughout the poem was nicely portrayed. I always had a clear image in my mind of what you were describing and portraying. These aspects made for a fun and thought-provoking read!

The Roar:

Favorite Line!
their harvest?
barren, worn hands
no growth
no green
taints these lands

This stanza altogether stood out to me. First, you start off with the mention of a harvest, but it seems that there isn't much to harvest at all, besides an endless, fruitless cycle of labor. Not only that, but you use the word "taint" to describe possible vegetation to grow in this place. I thought this was an interesting word choice, however, I feel it fits very well with the theme that these lands are empty and lonely. The sight of these plants would ruin the emptiness.

The Sharp, Yellow Teeth:

A Bit of Advice!
To provide at least a somewhat helpful critique, I'm going to put a little personal preference/input here. Make sure to keep in mind that this piece is entirely up to you, as you are the author. Feel free to take and leave what you please!

One line I felt was awkward to read was this one:
"for from devil

I had to read this line a few times for it to make sense, which messed with the flow of this stanza just a bit. I think the reason it tripped me up was because of the lack of the article "the" before "devil," since our brains are used to seeing it that way. No need to change anything, but I thought I would point it out.

Another honorable mention is the use of the word "tho" instead of "though." I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but the use of the slang kind of threw me off-guard.

Other than that, I can't find much else to critique on! I found this poem very intriguing!

Stomping Away:

Closing Thoughts!
Overall, I thought this was an amazing poem with many thought-provoking twists and turns. Your use of beautiful imagery caught my attention from the start and kept me engaged throughout. Your rhyme scheme was very effective in developing a flow for the reader to follow, despite the lack of punctuation. I thought this was super fun to read and review!

Keep writing! -Avian

R33SES says...

Avian, thank you for the thoughtful review!! Always love to see that my thoughts can be shared.

In essence you captured the theme of the poem, although, to be honest, I didn't write this with much of a vision, I just had a feeling in me that needed to be placed on paper. Definitely lonely, backed by a constant regimented struggle to find "food" and "companionship" but even when it rains (desert rust, sands turn darker) nothing grows in the desert, and harvesting still just leaves you empty handed, and tired. So lonely, and tired of being lonely haha.

I appreciate the small piece of insightful criticism too! I hadn't thought that would cause a small disturbance in your understanding. I chose not to "proper pronoun" the phrase because I wanted god/devil to remain ambiguous, as it's referencing proverbial demons and angels versus biblical, but I can see where it might not translate, so I'll keep an eye out for what others say!

Again, thank you, and I hope to be able to review some of your works here soon!

One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah