As I walked down a beaten path,
Adorned with lifeless leaves and cobblestones,
My sleepless eyes gazed upon,
Untampered beauty in its most subtle form.
Her golden tresses danced so gracefully in the wind,
And her hazel eyes glowed with a heavenly sheen,
A delicate, warm smile materialized on her luscious, blood red lips,
All I could see was unmatched perfection, more alluring than anything I have ever seen.
I could feel a warmth so unfounded, yet so welcoming,
As I felt my hopelessness waft into the tranquil air,
My feet turned to inert stone as I stood frozen,
Yet my warm blood seemed to rush within me.
She smiled gracefully, and neared with delicate steps,
And seemed to float through the sea of blooming snow,
Her voice filled with nectar, tinkled with a hidden charm,
As she beckoned me closer, more lovingly than anyone I have heard before.
But before I could step forward, I felt myself being pulled away,
And the gentle breeze blew into a raving storm,
I struggled helplessly, as my feet trembled like quivering hands in the winter dawn,
As I could feel my paradise crashing down.
I blinked for a moment, against the pitiless dust soaring around,
And then widened my blinded eyes in horror,
She stood there, letting out a gut-wrenching scream,
As her dainty body shook like a trembling, dead leaf.
As I collapsed feebly on the quacking ground,
Clutching myself, with my tears flowing down,
Her shrieks continued, each more pitiable than the other,
Her angelic face now twisting into that of unbearable agony.
The surroundings melted into a vicious black,
As her beady eyes sprouted crimson sobs,
Her yells resounded in an unceasing melody,
As I closed my eyes for the last time in my haven.
I wake up panting, shuddering as if jolted from a nightmare,
As I find myself chained once more in that familiar, cruel abyss,
My eyes tear up, as I now know,
She was there, before me in all her bounty, and now is ripped away, yet again.
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Hi there! I'm Clairia, here to review as requested.
This is so gorgeous and extremely well done. Your imagery truly captured me from the start, and you've successfully depicted an intensity that doesn't feel forced--but rather fluid. I really didn't have any major problems whilst reading (with grammar/flow/etc), but I'd like to point out a couple things that might need a little tweaking. Let's dive right in!
As the lovely @whatchamacallit pointed out, the length of your lines is a bit overwhelming and inconsistent. I would have suggested that you perhaps broke them down, like so:
Edited:
...but it seems that you're keen on sticking to 4-line stanzas. There's no problem with that at all, obviously, but sometimes less is more. Leaving the reader with a little mystery instead of overloading them with intricate detail can create a more enjoyable experience. My main critique here would be to simply shorten lines by editing them down or allowing your stanza pattern to fluctuate a bit. Free verse can be every bit as good as stiff poetry!
Moving on to a technical standpoint, I think it's important that you take note of your capitalization. It's grammatically incorrect to end a line with a comma and begin the next with a capital letter. Here's an example of what I mean:
Such is constant throughout the poem. Here's a revised version:
This is an easy fix, however, and I'm sure you can edit it in no time.
Overall, I thought this was a great read. Your imagery is on-point and I love your writing style. Keep it up!
Thanks for sharing (And stopping by The Review Tavern!)
Clairia
Than you so much for your in depth review. I am very glad you took the time to post such an extensive critique. Thank you
I really enjoyed the poem! I thought it was really well written and I was a bit confused when I was the description of the poem. But after reading the poem, everything makes sense, in the fact that there could be a plethora of ways the reader could take this story.
In my opinion, the poem is simply what the end states: a nightmare. Sometimes the simplest answers are the correct answer. Now, i'm not trying to say that this is 100% what the poem is about, I would be absolutely delighted to maybe get some other insights on what the poem may or may not be about.
Keep up the great work and keep writing from the heart!
Thank you so much for the thoughtful review. Again, this can be interpreted by the reader however they like to and your version, of this poem as a nightmare is also a new and enchanting take
Hello R.Harini! I'm back for another review.
This is a really beautiful poem, well done!
The first thing I want to comment on is line length. Several of your lines (see spoiler for examples) are quite a bit longer than the rest. Try breaking these lines up or rewording them to make them shorter, to make the poem flow better.
Spoiler
All I could see was unmatched perfection, more alluring than anything I have ever seen.
As she beckoned me closer, more lovingly than anyone I have heard before.
I struggled helplessly, as my feet trembled like quivering hands in the winter dawn,
She was there, before me in all her bounty, and now is ripped away, yet again.
Those are the main lines I would recommend shortening.
I just have one wording comment:
"See" and "seen" are a bit repetitive; try to use different words to create a variety.
General Comment
1. Your imagery is beautiful! good job!
2. The poem is very well contained; it ends at a good spot, and makes sense on its own with no explanation.
3. My only critique is to improve the flow and line length.
All in all, good job! This is a lovely poem!
Sorry the review was a little short. I hope it was helpful, and if you have any questions please feel free to ask.
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
Thank you so much. I am glad you found it good. I will continue to write and definitely keep your points in mind while proceeding
I really admire about your poem. It simply carves deep thought of author.
"Untampered beauty in its most subtle form" this line explains authors feeling of isolation or
segregation. Amazing words, that binding as a web. Each stanza chaining with another word.
Still I wonder about your writing. Your words are floating in the sea and that combine with boat
and the sailor. And your deepest thought of feeling make me alluring to read this poem.
"As I walked down a beaten path,
Adorned with lifeless leaves and cobblestones,
My sleepless eyes gazed upon,
Untampered beauty in its most subtle form.
Her golden tresses danced so gracefully in the wind,"
One suggestion, 1st stanza and 2nd stanza has some connectivity problem.
Other than that your poem is awesome.
Thank you so much. I am glad you liked it. I will certainly keep your points in mind while writing. Thank you