z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Voidish Tendencies Chapter One

by QuothNevermore


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter One 

"Good evening!" I announced, in the required work voice.

"How can I assist you today?"

The line that was required for a 'successful employee interaction' left my lips sharply, receiving little more than eye contact from the bleary eyed woman on the other side of the counter.

"ugh, gas, pump uh 4." she mumbled in a monotone.

A neon pink lighter clattered onto the counter in front of the register as I rang the woman up and watched as she disappeared into the dark parking lot.

A deep, racking sigh wushed out of me.

The shift was nearly over, I could survive it, most likely, as long as nothing went too terribly wrong.

Nothing terribly wrong occurred until after I removed my corporately required baseball cap and dug my motorcycle out of a pile of boxes behind the gas station. He was having trouble starting up initially, and I noticed the gas gauge was low.

Damn, I had topped off the tank that morning.

There must have been a leak somewhere.

And so, because I did not have the courage to call my father to pick me up, I grabbed the baseball bat that the manager had hid in the alley to discourage the raccoons and began to slink around to the front of the building to fill my little gas can.

The parking lot was empty and pitch black, the night was quiet with only distant animal cries echoing across the concrete. My footfalls echoed far too loudly as I crossed the lot to the pumps and began to fill the can. The gas fell into the small red plastic tank. Once it was full, I ignored the rustling that came from the far end of the lot, and returned to the alley.

'Just get out of there' the little logic goblin in my head advised.

And so I filled the bike's tank and turned over the engine, praying to the streetlights that I would not die that night.

The engine rumbled to life and I zoomed from the godforsaken gas station parking lot, trying my hardest not to look at the shining silver eyes that had appeared from over my shoulder. Although my motorcycle (Petruchio) was veritably a piece of trash, the good thing about him was he was loud and consistent, so I couldn't hear the possible suspicious noises that had accompanied the lovely definitely-not-a-usual-nighttime-animal eyes.

Edgar Road appeared approximately five minutes after I began to speed twenty miles over the legal limit. It was one of the few times that I was annoyed with my house at being on the Farthest End Of The Block From The Highway.

A news headline flashed before my eyes

'Local gender-ambiguous teen killed by glowing eyeballs in motorcycle accident.'

If I died on a school night my father would kill me.

But when I pulled into the driveway of the shrouded gray residence and sprinted my cycle into the detached garage, the street behind me was silent.

The doors locked without hindrance and I slumped against the wall. In the dull moonshine that fell through the sky light, I could see my breath billowing from my lips like cigarette smoke, my heart had been beating so hard, I hadn't realized that it was cold.

I stepped up onto the platform that held my bed, and switched on the space heater.

Before unlacing my worn boots, I rubbed my hands together so that they were warm enough to pick out the knots in the purple laces that I had haphazardly placed in them that morning.

After the boots came off, it was warm enough in the garage to remove my jacket and change into pajamas.

Unfortunately, I had made the mistake of putting off my history homework until after my work shift.

At this point, it was so late that time had begun to crawl slowly, and the general fatigue had begun to catch up with me. But alas, the great american frontier needed yet another essay written about it, and so I opened the half-full document on my laptop to finish it before I passed out. The essay was submitted only slightly before I became incapable of rational thought. After it was all over, I fell back and finally allowed myself to rest. 

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Points: 17243
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Tue Feb 07, 2023 9:27 pm
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deleted30 wrote a review...



Hello darling~

This was a charming read! A good first chapter and a promising start to the rest of your novel. I think my favorite aspect was the tone you struck, with the snarky, cynical, world-weary attitude and undercurrent of humor that runs throughout. Not only does it give the writing and the story a sense of personality, but it also displays the personality of the narrator. Based on what I've read so far, I like our MC and I'm rooting for them. (Although I'm biased, as a snarky, cynical, world-weary person myself, but that just made them more relatable to me, lol.) So far, your narrator seems like a real person, and I'm curious to learn more about them.

On that topic, I would've loved if this chapter had been a bit longer. It would've been nice to see more of our MC's experience at work—you make it clear they hate their job, so I wanted a clearer idea of what makes it such an unpleasant slog. To accomplish that, you could include a longer interaction with a customer, maybe, or have the MC tend to some other job-mandated tasks that they resent. Something like that.

I also would've liked it if the whole motorcycle episode—dealing with the gas problem, then driving home—had been stretched out, because that's a great opportunity to build tension and suspense. If it had taken longer to resolve, you could've lingered on the isolated creepiness of it all, and gave us a real sense of the MC's unease/fear. Make us worry about their safety; describe a scene so eerie that we can't help but assume there's an unknown beast lurking in the dark, watching our narrator—and posing a serious threat. Especially since, during the gas retrieval, we first learn something is amiss: our MC hears the rustling noises and sees those creepy eyes. I think you could've dwelled on that longer. Tell us more about the eyes' appearance and the way the noises sound. Did they make our MC's heart skip? Did their pulse excelavate? Give us all the juicy details.

I think our MC could also ruminate more on what they saw/heard during their drive home. You make a point to say it was "definitely-not-a-usual-nighttime-animal eyes," so our narrator's not in denial or trying to rationalize what they saw (which I like—most stories seem to take that approach, of "oh, it must've been my imagination, surely I couldn't have seen that," and I appreciate that our MC isn't doubting what they witnessed). So, if that's their perspective, I think it would be cool to get some insight, during their drive, about how that creepy encounter left them feeling. Are they rattled? Are they wracking their brain, trying to figure out what it could've been? We know there's a raccoon problem, so have they had any bad experiences with wild life in the past that they're reminded of? Just stuff like that, going through their head and giving us a deeper sense of their life and internal monologue.

All that aside, I only have a couple of other, tiny notes. At the beginning, you refer to our narrator's motorcycle with she/her pronouns, then you switch to he/him. Obviously people can use both she/her and he/him pronouns, but I think, in the case of an object like a motorcycle, you should stick with one or the other, for clarity. Otherwise, the reader might get confused.

I'd caution you to watch out for word repetition, which means reusing the same word in a short span. One example: "Required" comes up a lot at the beginning, when our narrator's describing what they have to do/say/wear for their job, and I think it would sound better if you swapped one or two of those "required"s for a synonym.

And, finally:

It was one of the few times that I was annoyed with my house at being on the Farthest End Of The Block From The Highway.

It's totally fine to capitalize words that aren't usually capitalized when you have a valid reason (e.g., trying to emphasize their importance). However, I don't think "farthest end of the block from the highway" needs it. The sentence isn't significant enough to warrant it, and it just looks odd.

With my critiques out of the way, I really did enjoy this piece! The pacing was a bit fast (another reason I wish it had been longer and we got to spend more time with our MC), but it was interesting and held my attention, and made me curious to read the next chapter. I see that you've filed it under Mystery & Suspense, and that—combined with the creepy eyes—leads me to assume we're in for some chills and thrills. I'm a sucker for that, so of course I'm excited to see where you go next. (Although I do think, since this is intended as a mystery/suspense piece, there definitely should've been a stronger vibe of eeriness/dread/foreboding when they retrieve the gas in the dark. Take your time with that scene and linger on the character's feelings. Telegraph to us what kind of story we're in for.)

Also:
A news headline flashed before my eyes

'Local gender-ly ambiguous teen killed by glowing eyeballs in motorcycle accident.'

I love how you handle our MC's gender presentation! This was a clever way to establish they're gender non-conforming: it's subtle and it doesn't feel out of place at all. Very nice touch. (The "killed by glowing eyeballs" was also funny.)
On the nitpickier side of things, you should put a colon after "flashed before my eyes," strike the "-ly" from the word "gender" (I'd put "gender-ambiguous," with a hyphen, instead), and write the news headline in italics instead of quotations.

There were some great lines throughout this chapter, which were entertaining and also helped to establish our MC's personality. I liked "If I died on a school night my father would kill me," but my favorite was probably "alas, the great american frontier needed yet another essay written about it." Very funny. (One tiny note: the A in "American" should be capitalized.) The humorous touches were quite enjoyable—and I think, moving forward, having this cynical, motorcycle-riding, seemingly badass character being the one who encounters the creepy stuff and/or unravels the mystery(?) will give the piece a unique flavor and interesting, witty point of view.

All in all, a good beginning! I'm intrigued and eager to learn more about those eyes and whatever scary stuff will unfold from here—and I'm happy to be joining our snarky, gender-nonconforming protagonist for that ride. I have complete confidence this will be a fun story.

Good work! :D




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Tue Feb 07, 2023 8:40 pm
Lexus2017RX350 wrote a review...



I really like this writing style! the "logic goblin" line made a chuckle a little, and I really like the setting. I did take notice that the main character went from calling the bike a her/she to a he/him, just one small thing I noticed but it doesn't really matter that much. I think that you have a nice writing style that is easy to navigate and get from one place to another. I ALSO really like the descriptive words used throughout the read. I can't wait to see more from you! one more thing I swear, I am currently writing something of my own, Adventures of an AL. I hate to self advertise but if you want to read it at any time it will be there. good luck on the writing!





Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
— Carl Sandburg