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by QuoolQuo

  • Short Story

Published March 10, 2020

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Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
candywriter
Review
candywriter wrote a review Review · Mar 15, 2020

Whoa this is good. I won’t be a grammar police-girl but there are quite a few grammatical mistakes here. They don’t take away from the story, I just thought I’d mention it. It would awesome to see what happens next! (Don’t worry, finish that “stupid maths assignment” without worrying about whether I’m on the tips of my toes or not. I’ll be reviewing other things to keep my mind occupied!)
This is a great story and I find really nothing wrong with it.

User avatar
4revgreen
Review
4revgreen wrote a review Review · Mar 10, 2020

Hey, Che here for a quick review :-)

The joyful shrieks of the girls around her rising above the constant hearty thrum of the great steam oven that baked the bread and pastries, filling them with warmth as they waited to be delivered into the smog filled city outside the bakeries walls.

I think this sentence would make more sense if you switched 'rising' to 'rose' and if you broke this sentence up a little. I'd suggest that after 'pastries' you end the sentence and then start the next one with 'it filled them with warmth..."

Life hadn’t always been this happy, it had been happier.

I'd replace the comma after happy with a semi-colon (;) and I don't know if I'm just misunderstanding the paragraph but don't you mean it had been sadder, not happier? Please correct me if I'm wrong aha.

War ravaged clouds now floated through the country. Silent silver puddles, dead on the cobblestone streets, mirrored his absence everywhere. His voice now only sang from crinkled parchment in golden candlelight.

I really, really love this this section. It's hauntingly beautiful.

A girl whose face was framed by caramel curls dusted with sugar, pinched Ermine painfully on the elbow.

You don't need the comma in this sentence.

“Ow,” Ermine grunted. Pushing the girl away playfully and leaving a floury handprint on her oatmeal brown uniform. “Fleur can’t you see I’m in the middle of an important task”

The middle sentence doesn't really make sense grammatically, so I'd probably rephrase it as "She playfully pushed the girl away, which left a floury handprint on her oatmeal brown uniform."

Jets of heated steam blowing into their faces as their laughter bubbled up into the wooden rafters.

It sounds better as 'Jets of steam blew into their faces....'

Cornered between the rough-hewn stone wall of the giant warehouse and cart sized sacks of flour Fleur gave up the letter.

There should be a comma after flour, before fleur.

Her face glowing as she peered over Ermine’s shoulder to watch her open it.
To make grammatical sense, it should really be "Her face was glowing..."

Ermine didn’t remember dropping the letter, she didn’t remember racing out into the frozen air or feeling stunned gazes follow her as she ran through the dank alleys of the city, trying to get as far from the page stain with ink in the form of those dreaded words.


I really love this ending, but I think after 'Ermine didn't remember dropping the letter.' you should start a new sentence with the rest, as it drums the point home more.

I thought this was a really beautiful piece, I especially loved the beginning paragraph and the descriptions! I'd really love to read more if you were going to carry it on !

Keep writing :-)



Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury