Published January 24, 2020
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Hello. This is my review.
This was interesting, I will make a point of reading the first draft and give my two cents about it. With the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get on with the review.
First, the bad:
As with most of your stories, there are a few odd descriptions: first of these is “city-grey”, my issue with this mainly personal and I can’t quite define why, so take this how you will. The second of these is “... walk until he became invisible in the currents of people flowing through the train station”, this is overly wordy; I would suggest changing it to “... walk until he disappeared into the crowds of the train station.”. In this similar vein we have “3000kg elephant”, I would advise simply removing the “3000kg” part; we all know elephants are heavy, we don’t need specifics, it also has the added benefit of preventing confusion for the poor souls who are reading this in a certain country that (rather idiotically) hasn’t converted to the metric system (such as, oh, I don’t know the United States?). My final critique is the use of “warm summers day”, mostly because this isn’t correct, there are two other ways to write it that are correct: “warm summer day”’ or “warm summer’s day”, either of these are correct and carry your intended meaning.
And now the good:
This story is solid, I can’t really say much else in the general sense. I do like the idea here, and it opens up some very interesting opportunities, which you expand med upon very well. I especially liked the absurdity you managed to put in and how you managed to combine it with the allegory and personification of the main characters mental processes. Good work.
In short: work on descriptions, good ideas, decent execution.
Keep up the good work.
This was my review. Goodbye.
Hi H.G. I am here review your beautiful work. But before that I want to say this work is inclusive.
"said the man in the city-grey clothes"
' city-grey clothes' to 'city-gray clothes'
This paragraph :"It was a warm summers day when they had first met in the park outside Thomas’s apartment building. This was before the hundred hours of practice and only a handful of cents had found their way into Thomas’s guitar case as he strummed several cords in a vague attempt of a popular song. While he had been counting that day’s earnings, an elephant standing straight on two feet and dressed like a Victorian gentleman had strolled up, doffed his bowler hat, and introduced himself as Charles Trunkson. The two became instant friends and Thomas was no longer alone when he busked in the park or now in the train station. Others soon followed."
I suggest you should write his thoughts in the paragraph so it won't be just telling and remembering. Maybe you could add his feelings, how it felt now remembering the days.
Keep writing
>Chris
As others have mentioned, I had a little trouble discerning what exactly was going on with the animals -- were they imaginary friends/a figment of his imagination, or were they real animals? Forgive me if I'm being dense, I just wanted to clarify before speaking on the plot all too much!!

The actual structure and plot of the story is solid, and I found myself sympathizing with Thomas, which kind of reinforced my initial belief that the animals are his friends and, subsequently, his way of comforting himself and avoiding loneliness. I like the idea of watching Thomas no longer need/grow out of the time in which he "most needed" the animals around him. Good character development, however short, within this story.
I like the fact that the animals have such differing personalities; while some, like Abigail, are more reassuring and gentle, others like Greg are more straightforward and even a bit hostile to create a good sense of contrast between these characters. This, again, reinforces that they're either imaginary friends of mental manifestations of maybe some stuffed animals that Thomas had when he was younger, and he turned to them in his more difficult times?
Again, I apologize if this review isn't too helpful/requires clarification, but I figured I would jump in and point out what I like in the event that it helps in future drafts of this story <3
Write on!!
Hey, hey,
Just to answer your question, yes the animals could be described as imaginary and manifestations of his mind. They appear to keep him from loneliness but are also conflicting parts of his personality.
Should I have made this more clear?
Thanks for the review!
Hey, hey,
Just to answer your question, yes the animals could be described as imaginary and manifestations of his mind. They appear to keep him from loneliness but are also conflicting parts of his personality.
Should I have made this more clear?
Thanks for the review!
Hey, hey,
Just to answer your question, yes the animals could be described as imaginary and manifestations of his mind. They appear to keep him from loneliness but are also conflicting parts of his personality.
Should I have made this more clear?
Thanks for the review!
Questions
What do the animals in this story represent? Are they Thomas's actual friends? What do the animals mean to Thomas?
Critique
.You do more telling then showing in this passage-
.I'd would be advisable to show us the thoughts that were going through his head, when Abigale suggested leaving him.
Other then that I can't really find anything to complain about.
Keep Writing,
JazenKnight
Are the animals Thomas' imaginary friends? Please correct me if I'm wrong...This is a fun short story! I really loved the theme of leaving important things behind to move forward towards a better future. The animals themselves gave this piece a slightly surreal feel, and Thomas' conflicting feelings regarding the offer were very relatable. The only mistake I'd like to point out is, "Other's soon followed" shouldn't have an apostrophe. Typos are inevitable, though.
I had fun reading this. Please keep writing!