February 7, 2011 an old assignment I shortened and had some ideas on
Screams, shouts and hoots of joy echoed down the halls of Jaybird High School as the bell rings.
I, for one, stay safely in the corner as I waiting for the halls to calm and clear out a little.
“Yo,” some guy in the middle of the hallway yells, crowed by hundreds of kids.
Like I’m going out there.
I look around for a second, “Yeah, I’m talking to you,” he chuckled, as he made his way into the safety zone.
I can see him better now. He has brown hair, rough brown and hazel eyes. I can also his friends behind him, stopping short to talk to one another. I recognize one of them by recalling the name Nick.
“You need something?” I asked in wonder. He smiles, showing his white teeth,
“Yes, um . . . do you have your class survey from homeroom? Band members are in charge of getting them back altogether for the office,” he explains, “So, do you have yours done yet?”
“Sure, but . . . your in band?” I ask as his eyes watch me opening my black bag for the papers.
“No. I mean, I’m not. . . . but Nick.” He says jutting a finger behind his white shirted shoulder at Nick, “We’re helping him collect the papers,” he said quickly as I give him the survey.
I glance over at Nick who’s watching us and smile.
“Thanks.”
I glance back at the guy in front of me. “So you’re helping Nick?” I question. He smiled,
“Yeah. Oh, I’m David,” he added holding out his hand. My hand met his,
“Era.” I turn and began walking away, seeing that our little chat is over. I also see that it took up more time than I though; fore the halls are clearing quickly.
“Hey,” I hear from behind me, “Eat lunch with us, later!” David yells still facing me. I hesitate for the slightest moment.
“S-sure,” I mumble walking away. I turn back around to find David with his friends and Nick watching me. I wave and continue walking. I have to say, I’m bit confused.
By lunch time I’ve forgotten I had plans to sit with the guys until they called me out. My pale light brown skin protested with redness as Nick hit David in the gut while smiling at me.
I sort of sulked to the table like I really didn’t want to be there. There are six people at the table, two girls and four guys (including the two I saw earlier). Nick did the introductions.
The two girls were Kayla and Cynthia.
Kayla had blond hair and blue eyes, as always. She was thin and tanned to a crisp, wore so much make up it looked like her face might fall off. She wore a pink tank and white skinny jeans with pink high heels, and white pearl earrings.
Dumb Blond, maybe?
Cynthia was a short haired brunette with brown eyes. She wore just enough make up. She was a tiny thing that could stare you down like a hawk, but sweet at the same time. With her smooth honey skin, her skimpy school girl dress and legging looked stylish.
The four guys are Nick, David, Gabe, and Tim.
Nick has brown hair, dark brown compared to my black, and green eyes. He also has this wicked smile. His tanned skin matches his tan kayaks and dark blue t-shirt. He's not buff but not skinny, he's perfect.
David has his hazel eyes and rough brown hair as the last time but he has change his shirt to a white t-shirt. He has on blue jeans, too. Not much to tell about him.
Gabe, he, I've seen around.
He's got a dirty blond head with dark blue eyes. He looks like he could be Kayla's big brother. When he smiles, the room lights up. With his cut offs and tan t-shirt he looks cheerful and smiles at me like he knows me.
I couldn't help but smile back, feeling a bit odd.
Last, but not lest, Tim.
Tim had dark hair and dark eyes, almost black, but not black. He liked having me at the table. I could tell by the way he looked at me. He was the quiet one, like me. He wore black cut up slacks and a pale gray long sleeve.
“Hey,” I greeted them all. I got smiles and waves in return and a few chuckles.
David glances at Nick with his hazel eyes, “Hey buddy, tell Era about the party we're throwing for 'ya,” he said beaming.
Nick's eyes jerked up, “Oh . . . um,” he hesitated glancing at me, “The guys are throwing a birthday party for me at my house.”
I nod, “So it's your birthday? When?”
“This Friday's the party, but my birthday is Saturday,” he explained.
I sit there for a moment, “Do you want to come?” he asks suddenly.
“I don't think I'd be able to make it. I have plans.” his face fell the tiniest bit.
“Can I ask a question?”
“Sure,” Nick said. As he said this Tim started packing up his stuff.
“I'm not trying to be rude or any thing, but why am I here? I honestly just want to know why you asked me to sit with you today. Not that I'm complaining, I like being here,” I say with a embarrassed smile on my face.
Kayla and Cynthia burst into giggles and Tim busted with laughter. I smiled because it felt like I should.
“I knew she would ask that sooner or later, nobody just calls random people to their table,” he chorused, getting up from his seat.
“Where are you going?” I asked surprising myself and everyone else at the table. Why did I care?
“Work in the Media Center,” he answered. Everyone at the table stared at us.
“Oh. Well, bye,” say as he waves and David hurry's after him out of the big cafeteria.
Gabe blinks, “Wow,” he turns to look at me, “Tim never talks to people unless he's known them for at least two weeks, including teachers.”
His eyes study me. “Well, there's a first time for every thing,” I say.
“So you Don't know him?” I shake my head and Nick smiles, “That just means she's . . . different.”
The way he said that made me feel warm. As I glanced at him, he held my gaze.
That night my mom canceled the trip to the mountain that we were planning on Friday.
So, for some reason I text-ed Nick, basically this is how it went;
Me: Nic, my plans 4 Fri waz canceled
I waited, it took about a minuet until his reply.
Nick: Oh? Thz 2 bad.
Me: So where do u live?
Nick: Huh? OH! 57th Folk street. Do thz mean u can make it 2 my party? If you can't I get it though, but I really want you 2 come
Me: yes I will be coming
Nick: thanks. I cant wait! I really want you there. . .
Me: I'll be there at 7pm, but I have 2 go now
Nick: ok, see you
Nick: . . . Era
Looks like I'm going to the party after all.
To be continued . . .
BY: QuietQuilla
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I just want to thank anyone and everyone who has or will review this chapter. I apologize for all critical mistakes, but am glad for the feed back. That is the one of the Only ways to improve. I am an open minded person and will not flinch to a harsh review, in fact being a bit hard can good in situations. So thank for the honor of your overlook!
Jaa
Hi there!
I have to say, I really enjoyed reading this. Usually I'm not into these kind of stories. You know, the ones that take place in normal, every day life. I'm more into action and adventure and fantasy. Where everything takes place in a different world or the characters take part in a different and foreign lifestyle. But I'm really intrigued by your story. Your characters seem to be solid, especially your main character. I love how even in this short time, I feel like I know her. I can totally relate to her. I guess it helps that this is in 1st person POV so we get to learn more about your main character. Keep up the good work! Remember, developing characters goes way beyond just the first couple of chapters. It's a process that takes the entire book.
That being said, there are a few things that I want to point out. First of all, you switch between past and present tense a lot. For example, in the first paragraph it says:
That sentence is in both past and present tense. The two words I underlined are in different tenses. Here's another example:
Again, I underlined the parts that are different tenses. You have to make sure that you choose one tense and keep it consistent throughout the story. If not, you'll end up confusing your readers. I know that it's hard to choose sometimes. I once wrote a story in past tense before and then realized halfway through that it would work better in present tense. It's honestly a tough decision. But once you make that decision, stick with it. And if you reread before posting, I'm sure you'll catch times when you switched tenses.
I really do love your characters and how well you're incorporating them into the story. I do have to say though, that it's all happening a bit fast. At first, you have Era talking to David and then all of the sudden we're introduced to a bunch of new characters. I love that you're trying to incorporate so many people and I always believe the more characters the merrier, but you have to be careful. Readers get overwhelmed very easily. Think about it. Are there ever times when you read a book and you end up missing something and have to go reread a certain part? It happens to me all the time! That's what happens when an author rushes things. Everything gets lost in translation so to speak. I would suggest toning down your descriptions a bit. It's nice that we know about each character, but we don't necessarily need to. Right now, we may only need to know that Gabe likes to smile and Tim is the quiet one. These are little quirks that each character has that we can remember them by. I can still remember my Creative Writing professor preaching that each character we create must have a quirk; something the reader can remember them by. And sometimes that's better than giving a physical description. It's a more clever way to describe, and I think that readers can really relate to that.
Wow that last paragraph was long :/ I usually don't write that long of paragraphs. I hope you read through it all though because, not to brag or anything, I gave some good advice there. Wait, that was bragging?? No it wasn't! Ok, maybe a little...
Anyways, like I've said throughout this review, I love your story. I'm impressed that you were able to keep my interest and draw me into a story that's in a genre that I tend to stay away from. Seriously, that's quite an accomplishment. I do hope that you write more! I can't wait to see what happens next! Please, please, please let me know when the next chapter is up!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you very much for the tips. I wrote this about 2 years ago and might extend it. Now that u point it out I will be able to correct my mistakes. So thanks!
Considering that I will take the priviledge to write your first review, I must give you a warning, some people here are blunt, so I will be too.
It feels rushed, REALLY rushed, so our main character here, she meets a cute boy, they haven't talked before, yet somehow, he feels that its fine to invite her to a birthday party straight off the bat?
If you included a time lapse where that they had talked for at least a week, then I can understand the situation to be realistic. But you do not, so I will give the advice that you not only tell about their appearance, but build up their characters before an event happens, unless you are going for a sudden dive into a story. You did a good job in decribing the characters however, and I must commend you on that aspect. But the much of the rest is either rather difficult to believe or rushed.
If you took the time to rewrite this work so that it would be a grammar error free one, then that would be a good start.
You can also work on the explainations of parts of the story. Like for instance, why would her family go to the mountains? If you were going to put that off for later, then ignore this part of my review.
I understand that during their text conversation, texting language is acceptable, but too much slang can get in the way of interpreting them to some people. I hope that you continue to try however, writing is a skill that can be picked up easily by doing either of the two things listed.
Those that practice, and those who read. Doing both however, is what really lets a person to have a certain way of writing that attracts readers.
whoops, thehotinpsychotic beat me in first review
I understand completely. I thank you for the review as well as I can now see exactly what you mean. I look forward to learn more from this community!
Hey, thehotinpsychotic here to review!
Critique comes first. Just a lot of silly mistakes in this work. In the first sentence, the tenses change. "Echoed" is in past tense, and "as the bell rings" is in present. It's hard for a lot of people, but try to keep the tense consistent throughout the story. This is just a personal thing, but I never liked the phrase 'I, for one'. It always comes off in writing or speaking to me as condescending and immature. Not that you are, but because of this choice of words your character comes off to me that way. In the 'brown hair, rough brown....', brown repeats itself and doesn't sound good. Try a different word for brown like fawn or chocolate. Also, the comma is unnecessary. Just replace it with the word 'and'. I'm sure this next part is a typo, but 'I can also his friends....' was probably meant to be typed by you as 'I can also see his friends....'. "You need something?" I asked. 'Asked' brings another tense change. It then switches back to present at 'He smiles....'. At 'your in band....', 'your' should be changed to 'you're'. "I ask as his eyes watch me opening my black bag for the papers. " This sentence was incredibly lengthy to me and interrupted the flow. Try shortening it up by splitting it into two sentences. After 'My hand met his', you should have a period instead of a comma. "David yells still facing me" should be changed to "David yells, still facing me". "The two girls were Kayla and Cynthia". Again, tense change. I suggest you read through the entire work and change the verbs to whatever tense you decide on. "She was thin and tanned to a crisp, wore so much make up it looked like her face might fall off." The comma after crisp should be replaced with and, or just make it into two sentences. "David has his hazel eyes and rough brown hair...." this repeats what you said earlier. I like the description of rough brown hair, but use it sparsely. "Last but not lest..." I'm sure this is just another dumb typo and you meant "least". Saying someone has dark hair and dark eyes sounds repetitive, so try "dark eyes and hair" or substituting the second 'dark' for a synonym. "....he hesitated glancing at me". There should be a comma after 'hesitated'. "his face fell the tiniest bit". The first word should be capitalized. "As he said this Tim started packing up his stuff." Put a comma after 'As he said this'. "I'm not trying to be rude or any thing..." 'Anything' is one word. "I asked surprising myself and everyone else at the table." A comma should go after 'asked'. 'Everything' is one word as well. 'Text-ed' should just be 'texted'. "... basically this is how it went;" there should be a comma after 'basically". Last one! Try not to go too crazy with the text talk, I could hardly decipher "thz".
So, as far as the non technical critiquing goes, I think that this piece was sort of bland. Nothing really pulled me in, and the dialogue was predictable, the characters were undeveloped (granted, this is the first chapter), and because of these things, I didn't really like it.
Sorry to give such a harsh review, but I did try my best to make it constructive. I think you should keep writing, and I may or may not review your next chapter. Good luck!