Young Writers Society

Welcome to the site! Glad to have you with us, and all that.

On to the bloody business...*rubs hands and cackles*...of critiquing.

Personally, I'm sorry but I didn't really enjoy this. There were a lot of awkward sentences, punctuation errors, and confusing spots. I suppose if you wrote it really fast, that could explain some of it, but I'll go through anyway.

First of all, put spaces in between each of your new paragraphs, like I'm doing. I'll show you as I go through your story below. Crits are in red, 'kay?

I sat in the trees covering my face from the sun. The trees are covering your face from the sun? Or you are? I would say "I sat under the trees, the leafy branches providing cover for my face from the sun." It was always hot in the summer but this was sweltering. I think I was dehydrating dehydrated - period. Start a new sentence with: I was too weak, etc... I was too weak to walk comma here so I’d have to wait for Eric or stay till night fall. Come to a full stop here, then go on. But then...Nathan would whip me. The trees around me were incredible; they were giant and a deep green or red.Why this random sentence? Do your describing before you get into the actual story...or work it in skillfully. This sentence is random and doesn't make sense. Of cause cause = course. But it's not 'of course' to us, because we don't know what's happened to him. Take out the 'of course' and just start with 'I was too consumed' etc... I was too consumed in my own grief to notice Then add here 'the beautiful red and lush green of the trees surrounding me. 'There was a rustle in the trees I put the hand on the hilt of my sword lumbered up. Period here. Your sword lumbered up? Wrong word. I would use some other description. I was exhausted and could never never = not defend myself. I unsheathed my sword and held it out. There were outlaws in the forest and they would sometimes kill for food. I stumbled and fell onto the grass my body was weak and useless I couldn’t lift myself up, I lay on the grass begging for mercy from the lord. Run-on sentence. Break it up like this: "I stumbled and fell ontot he grass. My body was weak and useless and I couldn't lift myself back up. I lay on the grass, begging for mercy from the Lord." Did you mean 'Lord' as in God? If so, capitalize. I felt the cold edge of a blade against my neck. This wasn’t an outlaw, this was a sick murderer or maybe…

“Hi William, you gullible fool.” Why does Erik call him gullible? He's lying helpless in the grass *hem hem, we still don't know why* and he hears rustling and feels a blade at his throat? And there are known to be outlaws in the woods who kill for food *which William doesn't have, that we know...hem hem again* and Erik says 'gullible fool?' Nice friend, lol.

“Eric thank god it’s you.” Comma after 'Erik.'

I was really frightened; I was so frightened Eric almost felt guilty. We're in William's mind, here, and William can't tell what Erik is feeling. Either have Erik say 'I almost feel guilty,' or don't say it at all. And instead of just saying 'I was frightened', which is boring, show us how he was frightened. Was his heart beating? Were his hands shaking? Knees knocking? Teeth chattering? Be much more descriptive when dealing with feelings. We had some of Eric’s water then got up. I brushed off some of the dust on my tunic. It was deep velvet black, I was so proud of it. I was not of royal birth and it was a gift directly from the king on my 15th birthday when I came to the age of responsibility. I looked at Eric he was wearing his royal red top that he got. We had been friends ever since were kids, with no cares in the world. Now we were going to have to choose what we would do with the rest of our lives. I wanted to leave the confounds of the castle and go and map the world or at least the free lands, then the world. My mentor had put this idea in my head, Period, then go on. Eric had once wanted to do this but now he wanted to learn his fathers fathers = father's trade and stay at home. At least that’s what he said. Bit of an info-dump. Could you work all this in later in the story?
Eric started to run away from me. I was still too weak to run with him. We still have no clue why he's weak! What has he been doing? Suddenly he tripped and fell flat on his face. Suddenly...never a good word. Describe it more. What did it look like? Don't just say he suddenly tripped, say 'I looked over and jumped, startled to find that Erik was no longe running beside me. Then I saw him, ling on the ground, his nose and lip bleeding." Like that. Then you can take out the next sentence, which contains a typo...staged = staggered. Also, why is his nose and lip bleeding? He just fell on the soft, loamy forest ground, for goodness' sake! I walked over, he staged up, his nose was bleeding and he had a cut lip.

“I think I’ve twisted my ankle.” You need to add 'he said between gritted teeth' or something after this, to show us how he said it. We don't know if he's in pain or what, when you don't tell us.

“Come on lets see if you can walk.” Translation: Come on, let's see if you can walk. Note the punctuation.

We struggled along for a while, it was slow progress and by the time we got to the old oak the mark that said it was 3miles to the castle it was getting dark. Another run-on sentence. Break it up like this: We struggled along for what seemed like forever. It was slow progress, and it was dark by the time we got to the old oak on which hung the sign that said 'three miles' and pointed towards the castle." Or something like that. I heard a galloping behind me. I heard a galloping? As in one, singular gallop? lol...just galloping. Also, instead of that, I would say 'I heard the sound of horse's feet galloping behind me' to make it ore descriptve and less boring. I looked back it was a horse with a rider I did not recognise. Punctuation. Comma after 'back' and 'whose rider' instead of 'with a rider.' I pulled Eric behind the old oak. Suddenly I heard more galloping behind the first rider. Suddenly again. Me no like 'suddenly'!!! You need more description. What exactly did he hear? The next horse was bearing the royal mark. The royal rider shot an arrow at the first rider. It just missed his head. I unsheathed my sword and stepped out I plunged my sword into the rider’s horse, and the hose fell End of sentence. Start a new one here, otherwise it's too long. then an arrow stuck it’s self it's self = itself into the rider’s skull and he died also. The royal rider stopped and jumped of his horse. I recognised him straight away, period, then start with 'It was' etc... it was Richard the best rider in the free lands or so they said.

“ Sham Sham = Shameyou had to kill the horse, period. Start new sentence with 'what are you' etc... what are you going to get home on now.” He said. Isn't that a question? What are you going to get home on now?" he asked. Right? Also, it's wordy. Shorten it to: "How are you going to get home, now?" he asked. Also, lower case 'h' on 'he'. After dialogue, you use a lower case letter, as if it's still the same sentence.

“I’m sorry, I was trying to help.” Who said this? Erik, William, who? Also, was he penitent? Belligerent? How did he say it?

“ You did, now do what I say.” Specify who says this and how. I know it's Richard, but you still need to specify. Is he encouraging? Angry? Gruff but kind?

I got on to on to = 'on' or 'onto' the horse and started to ride towards the east. I was going to go to a stable, with a few horses there too too = to help the cavalry in problems like this. He who? Richard? was going to help Eric with his foot while I got the horse. What horse? Another horse for Erik? I was a pretty good rider, and since the horse was military trained military trained = trained for the military it was easy to control Period. Full stop, then go on at 'When I' etc... when I got to stable I found a strong horse and jumped on it to give the other horse a break. After the horses had drunk some water I tapped one on the head twice and it new new = knew it had to follow the other one. Why by tapping its' head twice? Is it some sort of code, or magic? I ride horses, and i've never been able to tell it what to do by tapping it's head. We got back to Richard and Eric in about fifteen minutes. Richard and me lol...me = I got Eric up on the horse and we set of. For some reason Richard had put the body of the fallen solider solider = soldier on his horse, and it really smelt. smelt = smelled. Smelled how? Bad? Why would it smell bad so soon? It hadn't been dead very long. Was it sweaty? Dirty? Did it smell tangy, like blood?

When we got back to the castle I went to the kitchens and explained what had happened to Nathan, the chef, and why I didn’t turn up to the work. turn up to the work? The Work...we dont' know what that is. Maybe just 'work'. Oh, and now the cook knows what happened to make him so weak, but we still don't! I feel so left out. Or did you mean what happened with the soldier? Specify what you mean by 'what happened'. He didn’t believe me but then Richard came in and backed me up. Nathan slapped me on the face What? Why? He just helped get an enemy soldier, and this cook guy is slapping him? That's mean. and told me to get out of the kitchen. I went up to my room and fell on my bed. I woke up from my sleep. Whoa, whoa...you're telling us he woke up before you even told us he was asleep. You're moving way to fast here, laddybuck! Eric was there he gave me a couple of slices of bread and some cheese.

“ It was all I could sneak from the kitchen.” Add a 'he said' or something here. Again, how did he say it? Mischievously? Regretfully?

“ Did I miss dinner? ” I asked Missing a period.

“ We both did. I fell asleep to. to = too How are you, question mark, then move on. How are you? You look really bad. you look really bad.”

I looked at my long time friend. Physically he was the same as before. Black hair, green eyes, tall and weedy but when I looked into his eyes they were thoughtful and questioning, somehow they didn’t suit him. Ugh. I don't like this. Why is he so different. What has happened to change him? Also, how can we know that he's changed when we didn't even know what he was like in the first place?

“ I’m fine. How’s your foot?” you mean ankle?

“ Alright, it’ll be fine in a couple of weeks. I’ll leave you to sleep.”

He left the room and I got up and looked at my self my self = myself in the mirror. I was tall and broad broad? lol, you mean broad-shouldered. Broad implies fat, or wide. I had blond hair and light watery blue eyes. I don't like this. It's just a random excuse to describe yourself. Find a better way to incorporate the description. Maybe say, I looked at the mirror and grimaced. A bloody scratch was above one of my watery, light blue eyes and might blond hair was a mess. My ripped clothes hung in rags off my broad shoulders...etc. It would be better. I heard a knock on the door.

“ Come in.” I looked at who had come into the room. It was Elizabeth, my girlfriend. She was a beautiful girl, with chestnut brown hair and deep hazelnut eyes. She was the only person I had ever thought of marriying. marriying = marrying. Lol...wait. Take out that last sentence all-together. I don't know why, but it's just awkward and we don't need to know it, because obviously he hasn't proposed yet.

“ I just came to see if you were alright.” alright = all right

“ Yeh yeh = yeah I’m fine. I just need to sleep.”

“Apparently you’re a hero,” she said, smiling

“I don’t think so.”

“You are to me.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“ Ok. Bye” Whoa, that was abrupt! I would expect a little more romantic interaction between girlfriend and boyfriend, especially a girl who thinks her guy is a hero. Maybe a few soft words, a hand squeeze or a kiss. Not just 'okay bye.' I know you're probably squirming and saying 'gross' but you've gotta have it.

I climbed back in to my bed and closed my eyes. I woke the next day to the sound of the soldiers being drilled. Again, way too abrupt. He's awake again before we even know he was asleep! I looked out the window and saw Richard leave the gate riding like the wind taking another horse back to the emergency stables. I heard another knock at the door and suddenly it came open. I like this better: I heard another knock at the door, but before I could say 'come in,' it swung open.

“Why are you staring out the window? Get to breakfast.” Who is this guy? What does he look like? What does he sound like? How does he say what he says? Gruffly? We have no clue who he is, and we need a little introduction to him here.

“Yes master, Marstorn.” Yes master, Marstorn = Yes, Master Marstorn

“You need to go and see the Duke afterwards. He has some questions to ask you.” Said who? nag nag nag, but specify!

Brash, as always. My master Marston was a failed soul a failed soul? What exactly does that mean? and every tine tine = time you look look = looked...should be past tense like the rest of the story. into his eyes you could see the sadness and the pain of lost dreams. That's a sweet sentiment. the sadness and pain of lost dreams...awwww.

I ate some breakfast and walked towards the Dukes Dukes = Duke's study, Period, full stop, then move on to 'the Duke ' etc... the Duke was the Kings second Cousin and though if his cousin died he was hair to the throne he would never get it. He had never told anyone why they all just knew. I knocked on the door.

“Come.”

“You asked for me sir.”

“Yes, I have some bad news for you. Your father passed away a few days ago.”

“Oh.” I said simply. Simply? Perhaps you mean blankly. Is he so astonished that he doesn't know how to react? You don't portray what he's feeling very well. His father just died, for goodness' sake.

Sorry about spelling it was an idea i typed quickly i just wanted to get it on before i went on holiday