Published December 4, 2010
the feeling of
death darkly.
feet knocking floor.
one two one two
pause and swig.
heart hidden deep.
He stumbles in,
bronze Liquor,
rotting tongue/mind.
Him: i cower.
hope bleeds out.
His hand strikes. yes.
“damn kid” – seals fate.
the pain screams,
clouding my face.
i didn’t know.
but that doesn’t
guard my scarred heart.
with heaving breaths,
He hurt me
until i broke.
one thousand parts,
but a boy
is still a boy.
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Canary word: Present
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hello Quibbler,
. I have gone though it and made a few corrections, and told you what I liked and what I didn't.
This will be the first piece of work that I have reviewed for you. So I am sorry in advance if I am ever too harsh.
I quite enjoyed your poem. It had a lot of depth, emotion and meaning to it- which is what made me like it so much
All in all, I thought it was a great poem, and it's up to you how much or how little of my advice you take on board.
Well done, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
I am very sorry if this was a harsh review- remember, the goal is to help.
Thanks,
watchmeburn
very, very good. So dramatic:) I am enjoying reading the poetry on this website, and this is one of my favorites:) Good job:)
The starting is intense unlike many of the poems on the society this was an impressive and mature start.
but i think poetry is always with caps, but i am not an expert though. and i also dont get what does feet knowcking floor means perhaps if you can elaborate it would be better
powerful use of words in this passage, u are successful in delivering what you wanted to say, good job
as i am not an expert it took me some time to understand what you wanted to say but i got it though i personally think the last line would have made more sense if it was "rotting his tongue and mind.." but were all here to learn so maybe you can teach me what you wrote it for huh?
Over all the story's intensity was amazing and the emotions were fantastically shown it is crystal clear how much thought you have put in to this, i believe you have a special interest for poetry? there's not much to correct or maybe there's noting at all to judge but i can say one thing for sure you can teach a lot around here.
Hope i helped
remember to stay motivated
Yours Truly
- Stephene
Is there anything else you can comment on? Because the punctuation and uncapitalized letters were intentional. Like many abuse victims, the boy begins to believe he deserves the abuse. Hence the "yes" in line 12, and it's also the reason that only pronouns related to the father [and liquor] are capitalized - showing the inferiority of all else.
Sigh... didn't think I needed to do an analysis of my own poem... but yeah. I'm looking for someone to rip this to pieces so I can learn from it.
Quite a good poem but the punctuation could be worked on.