The man sat silently in the back seat, not making a sound, not moving a muscle. I didn't know what to think of him. He was tall, but slouched over like he was afraid of something. His brown eyes stared straight ahead, unfocused. He wore a tan coat that was way to thin for the cold winter we were having. Strangest of all, perhaps, was that he had no shoes.
"Where did you say you were from again?" my wife, Rachel, asked him as I pulled to a stop in front of a red light. No other cars were out tonight. I turned the windshield wipers on an even higher setting.
"I... I can't- I... Don't..." the guy stuttered, his voice flat and breaking. He'd responded like that all night. I looked at Rachel.
"Mike, we can't just take him to our home. The guy was out in the middle of the night, in the rain, in January, with no shoes and just that little coat! He could be some escaped criminal or a psycho!" I understood where she was coming from, but I couldn't just turn him away.
"Honey," I answered carefully, "We picked him up in the middle of the street and with all that wrong you just said, and he won't respond to us. I think he might be in shock. And I don't want to take him to a hospital until I find out if he is and what may have happened to scare him so bad."
Rachel sighed. "Fine, but I'm not going to like it.
I turned back to the mysterious stranger. "You got anywhere you need to be, buddy?" I asked him.
"I... I can't- I... Don't..." The same response again.
The light turned green. We drove the rest of the way to our house in silence. Ten minutes later, we were huddled under the porch while Rachel fiddled with the keys. The guy still hadn't said a peep. Maybe we should take him to a hospital...
When we got in, the guy sat right down on the sofa in the living room, not even taking off his coat.
"So... where did you come from...?" I asked him for the fifth time. This time though, I got an answer.
Just not the one I was expecting.
"I was a bad man," he said, his voice no longer flat, but almost... scared?
"I was punished." His voice began to get louder. "I was sent down. Way down." He was almost yelling, his voice cracking with obvious fear. "Where there's fire, and demons, and-"
The guy was screaming now. He cut off, burying his face in his hands. Whoa. Eleven out of ten on the creeped out meter.
Rachel looked at me, and I at her. Something weird was going on.
"He's coming for me," the man whispered.
"Who?" I didn't know what to expect as an answer, but I never got the chance to hear it.
There was a knock at the door. Rachel once again looked at me, her eyes wide.
"I'll get it," I told her.
I crept up to the front door. With a hand I barely realized was shaking, I turned the knob.
I blast of dry, hot air hit me so hard I flew back into the house. With a loud "Oof" I landed on the coffee table, knocking down Rachel's flowers and decorations. I distantly heard Rachel scream. I looked up as a tall figure glided into the room. He seemed to be wearing a robe of some kind, long and black, that didn't alow for me to get any hint as to his.. or her, I guess... form.
The figure glided up to the now cowering stranger on the couch. The robe fell to the ground, revealing the most horrible thing I'd ever seen.
The figure was naked, his skin completely blood red, black patterns etched into his skin like scars. His legs ended in goat-like hooves, and his huge, bulbous head sprouted two long horns. His mouth was filled with countless razor-sharp teeth, and his eyes glowed with a poisonous green fire.
"This man has escaped," it whispered. Its voice was like the screaming of an innocent child, a wind through a graveyard, and everything wrong with the world.
"Escaped? From where? Who are you!" I screamed at the thing that was now lifting the stranger up by the throat.
"I am one of the devils which humanity is so afraid of," the thing answered, "and I am collecting this soul to take back to the prison from whence he escaped."
"Where!" I screamed again. The thing smiled, revealing its ugly teeth to be filled with rotting flesh and flames.
"Hell. This man is a damned soul. And he is going back to Hell."
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139,368 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Hi, Quistio!
I am GeeLyria, maybe you have seen me around. Anyway, I am here to review!
First of all, I want to comgratulate you for the start; it is well written, worded beautifully, and it's catchy, and that's how a start should be.
However, I want to be picky. XD I noiced that this character of yours stutters a lot, and that you use ellipsis you show it in the dialogue too. Although, since it is so much, it can get annoying. I would also love to see more descripton and details between the dialogues. So here's what I propose: instead of showing us the guy is stuttering, tell us. And also, tell us what he's thinking and feeling. As a reader, that would definitely make me feel more welcome and I would really appreciate it.
There's my grain of sand. Hopefully, I expressed myself correctly, but if not, feel free to contact me.
~GeeLyria
Hello again! Here I am to review the second one, let's get right into this shall we?
This is personal opinion, but I'd suggest removing the 'straight' as it feels like an extra word just taking up space. It also contrasts somewhat with his eyes being unfocused. I know the image you're going for, but I think it can be conveyed with 'stared ahead'.Specifics
1. Beautiful introduction. It sets the scene and has a lovely rumbling flow to it which pulls the reader in. Good stuff!
2.
3. I don't like the colloquialism 'way too' as it doesn't fit with the rest of the tone which is very smooth and very professional. I'd suggest something like:
'He wore a tan coat with over-sized pockets, far too thing for the cold weather we were having.'
4. I'm not sure about the perhaps in the line about the shoes. I love that he has no shoes but I'd rather the narrator be more definite about that being the strangest part because it certainly is!
5. The unfortunate rhyme of light and tonight make this an awkward section. Maybe describe the road instead, so:
'...a red light. No other cars could be seen on the dark, country lane.'
6. The wife used 'just' in her speech so this is repetetive and it will also help to make their voices different if he's more concise with his language.
7. The man's words make no sense to me. Surely the hospital is the first place to take him if they suspect he's in shock? I... don't understand. Which is fine if it's his character but until now he seemed very reasonable and intelligent so I feel there needs to be more explanation, but without over-doing it.
8. Might be better as 'But not the one I was expecting' as but is a plosive and a much stronger word. Then again, I might just be attacking 'just' now
9. Wait. He's leaving his wife with the crazy guy who just admitted to being a bad man? I think there needs to be more hesitation.
10.
I stumbled over this a little. Maybe try joining those two sentences with an 'and'? I think that would help.
11. I'm not sure about all the pauses in speech, the 'I guess' and 'the best word for it'. These feel unnatural, especially in an action scene.
Overall
I'd like to feel more for this stranger before it comes time to reveal who he is. At the moment I don't have any reservations about saving him and it's very black and white. I'd like to see him fleshed out more so that the characters want to protect him and so that we don't want to see him taken away. The premise is solid and you have a great sense of tone and atmosphere, but more emotion would be great! I don't come away from this feeling that the stranger shouldn't have been recaptured or any of those nitty, gritty shades of grey which make life so interesting. If you add some more of those in, that would be great!
All the best,
Heather xx
Great little piece you have here, it got to the point and drew me in excellently. I liked the fact that the action always moved forward and you didn't describe the little details too much (for example you didn't say how they pulled their car over, or the transition to the porch, etc.), which helped add to the momentum of the story.
I'll go into more detail here, and just remember that I try to take their quotations in order, so it can help you locate them from your piece:
"The man sat silently in the back seat, not making a sound, not moving a muscle." - good start, but I'd recommend thinking of your language a bit more. There's an element of tautology as you say he sat 'silently' then say he's 'not making sound', which was just a minor annoyance, the more pressing issue is that it hits me more powerfully if you say: 'The man sat silently in the back seat, not moving a muscle' - but that's just my opinion, and you're welcome to disagree, of course.
"He wore a tan coat that was way to thin for the cold winter we were having." - remember to always proof-read your work as we, as writers, tend to subconciously 'fill in the blanks' when we write: the coat "was way TOO thin". Despite that, I think that you're not being direct enough with your language, by just saying: "He wore a tan coat that was too thin for the cold winter..." I've already built up the image in my head of how thin it is, by saying it's ''way too thin'' it just seems a bit too much - sometimes less is more!
"I... I can't- I... Don't..." - after an ellipsis (...) you do not need to capitalise the following letter. In this case "I... I can't- I..." is correct, due to the rule of an isolated 'I' being capitalised, but the ''Don't..." doesn't need to be capitalised here.
"Mike, we can't just take him to our home." - a useful tip that I'll try to give is that when you write your dialogue, read it back to yourself aloud: does it sound like something someone you know would say? If I was inthat situation with a loved one they would be more likely to say: "... we can't just take him home", as, usually, that's just how we'd refer to it. For example, if I was at a party with my sister and wanted to leave I'd say: "C'mon, we're going home" I wouldn't say that "we're going to our home", y'know? Also, when I did read it as you typed: "we can't just take him to our home", I think that using italics on the 'our' would be extremely useful - it portrays the panic of Rachel.
"Whoa. Eleven out of ten on the creeped out meter." - that made me giggle, but I'm not sure it's entirely appropriate for a grown man to say. If the narrator was a child/teen/sarcastic young adult it'd be acceptable, but because it's a man, I'm not so sure he'd react like that. Although I don't know him, so it's your choice, of course.
"I blast of dry, hot air hit me so hard I flew back into the house." - 'A blast of dry air'
"knocking down Rachels decorations" - 'Rachel's decorations' (you forgot the apostrophe)
"I distantly heard Rachel scream." - I'd be careful on the adverbs, if the sentence read: "I heard Rachel scream in the distance" I feel it'd hit the reader with more of an impact. Again, it's your creative license though.
"Its voice was like the screaming of an innocent child, a wind through a graveyard, and everything wrong with the world." - extremely vivid description here, I liked it a lot, especially the: "wind through a graveyard", excellent image!
"Hell. This man is a damned soul. And he is going back to Hell." - personally, I would've left it as him saying just: "Hell." but again, it's your choice, not mine!
Welp, there ya go, and I hope this review helped ya.
Overall it was a great piece, well-paced, characters fleshed out well, especially the mystery of the stranger, and the description of the Devil.
If there's any problems or questions you have with this review or anything you want me to comment on from this piece just let me know.
P.S. I hope I don't come off as over-critical, I'm just trying to help!
You're not being over-critical! I need all the help I can get. I know what I'm trying to say, and I'm not the greatest at getting it across. And I am terrible at dialogue. And the last line almost was "Hell" but I wanted to get in that the stranger was screwed.
Thanks again!
Well i have to say, this is one of the more interesting stories I've read on this site so far. I liked the flow of it, and little tidbits of humor here and there, like the "eleven out of ten on the creeped out meter" it was a nice touch. Although, for the subject matter, it almost seems kind of juvenile, but it works either way...anything with demons man, I'm there.
Also liked the detail you put into the demons voice, it actually freaked me out but in a good way, and he wasn't over done with chanting or anything, he just got right down to his business.
It also makes me wonder as to what the man did, are you writing an upcoming story to this? if so, add some of those details, because he must have been really darn bad to be taken by that brutal monstrosity.
The mans repetitions were a real creepy touch, because you leave the reader with no idea of what it means, which adds to the ominous feel, LOVE IT!
Cons: meh, there aren't many issues I have with this, so bear with me. When you state his yelling after the dialogue, its kind of a surprise and makes it seem like it wasn't meant to be there. Is there anyway that you could work it in with the dialogue itself?
' "I was punished. Sent down," his voice began to raise, "Way down. Where there's fire. and demons, and-" at this point he began to scream(bleh bleh insert what you will here).' but thats just my opinion, and really, the only issue I have with this, good work. Hope you write more as a follow up to this, because it was really intriguing!
Thats what the voice was for! I do mainly third-person stories of people who've done something bad getting visited by demons sent to straighten them out. I'm really out of my comfort zone with the first-person and not waking up in the middle of the night by strange bumps in the night.