Marvin twisted around onto his back, awkwardly fluffing his pillow as he did. His sheet was tangled up all in his legs. Marvin didn't look at the clock, though it's numbers cast a green glow mockingly on the empty spot beside him where his wife Laurel usually slept. But she was away on business. Marvin flipped back onto his belly, his face pressed so deep into the pillow, it was likely to get stuck there.
He didn't find the comfort in the darkness he was looking for. He couldn't shake his feeling of dread at what he'd done.
Sharon. Her name repeated in hid mind, like a desperate cry for help in an endless cavern, echoing on and on in the crushing darkness. He kept seeing her beautiful face, her long midnight hair, her soft shoulders, her-
Stop it. Marvin squirmed onto his back once again. For the longest time he lay there, staring at the ceiling like a prisoner in death row. I didn't want to, he told himself. I never wanted it to happen. He mentally kicked himself. Laurel will never know.
Marvin had nearly drifted off to sleep, staring at the ceiling and not letting himself think about Sharon, when suddenly it wasn't there anymore. Marvin's eyes flashed open wider. No, there it was. Why couldn't he see it a moment ago? Then he realized; the clock was off. Power must've gone off. There was just enough light filtering through the window to make out edges and blobby shapes in the dark. He pulled the sheet up to his chin, very childlike. His eyes shut dreamily closed, and... Someone else was in the room with him.
Marvin did what may have passed for jumping while laying down, that is, his whole body lurched in an upwards motion and he flipped off the side of the bed, landing like a bag of rocks on the carpet with a dull thud, knocking down the bedside lamp. He grabbed it and leaped ungracefully to his feet, flailing as he did so. He pointed the now unplugged lamp at the stranger on the other side of the bed. Real heroic...
It was hard to make out any features at all on the man (if it was a man). Actually, it was impossible to make out any features, other than that they were tall, with a wide-brimmed hat and probably a long trench coat. And that they were black. Not African black, but completely black; like looking at a silhouette, or a shadow. An absence of light.
Marvin was terrified. A thousand questions fought for dominance in his head. How had he gotten here? What did he want? And what about him made Marvin want to curl up in the fetal position and hide?
He did his best to look intimidating in his sweat-soaked tee shirt and boxers, his only weapon his lamp and his breath. It was probably like watching a mouse try to tough-guy a cat. A very hungry, scary, black cat.
"What do you want?" Marvin's voice, which he had tried to make tough, came out a shrill squeak. Nice move, tough guy.
The figure tilted it's wide-brimmed-hatted head slowly, as if to say, "Right back at you." The message came through like it'd been spoken.
Marvin tried again. "Why are you here?"
The figure straightened it's head and turned to the dresser. Marvin swore it was looking at the picture of him and Laurel on their wedding day. A fresh new pang of guilt swept through him. The figure seemed to get bigger. Now's not the time, Marvin told himself, almost shaking his head.
The black, hatted shape lifted it's arm, and pointed it's finger accusingly at Marvin, as if it knew his mistakes. Ever so slowly, the lightless arm shifted to point at the wedding photo. Ok, weird, Marvin thought.
Without warning, the photo's frame split with a loud crack! Pieces of cheap glass fell to the floor. The photo itself ripped straight down the middle, the tearing sound like that of Marvin's heart breaking. The tear went perfectly between him and Laurel, who was no longer laughing but sobbing. Marvin's face looked happier than ever. Her half curled up on itself and fell to the floor like a piece of discarded trash. In it's place was Sharon, in a beautiful white wedding dress, sitting in her bedroom. Marvin was angry. It was her who slept with HIM! She-
It was his fault he hadn't remained faithful, too.
Marvin sank to the floor. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He cried desperately. The dark shadow figure watched him silently. And nodded. Marvin ran to the phone, forgetting his earlier fears.
He couldn't dial Laurel's number fast enough.
"What? Do you know what time it is?" Her voice that of angels, his lifeline.
"I am so sorry. I've made a terrible mistake..."
As he confessed to what he'd done, Marvin heard a satisfied chuckle, like the soundtrack of a righted wrong.
Job done, the hatted shadow went on to the next guilty cry for help in the dark.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Well, this was seriously unforseen, the ending. The starting might be boring to many people but it was good for me.
I thought the black man's purpose was more to what it was, which was good.
It seemed like the details were more than necessary as it goes on but it might be because it needed to, to set a mood, to understand the character.
It was great overall.
Hope my review helped!
regards,
blakey789
Hey,
This was a very interesting piece of work. Honestly, I did not anticipate the ending at all; I thought the black man was here for something a little more gruesome and horrifying, like a slow, painful death. This was quite well-written, your basic grammar seems to be in place, but there are some places where the story reads a bit awkwardly:
The first paragraph has too much detail. Perhaps you could cut out that sentence completely and start with "He didn't look at the clock..." Too much detail often serves to hide what you want to emphasize; here, I feel it's important that you emphasize that Laurel was away on business, and because of all the details, the importance of that isn't really registered in the reader's mind.
You could change this to "He lay there for what seemed like an eternity", or "For a long time, he lay there", a little bit of a grammatical error there. There weren't really any other grammatical mistakes that really stood out, but I'm sure you'll come across them if you proofread the whole thing once, like Kafka suggested.
The main issue that really weighs down your story here is too much detail. Marvin's thoughts, reactions and feelings often get in the way of the plot of the story, and that makes it a little uninteresting and often distracts the reader from the essence of your story. I understand you want us to know how Marvin feels, but you have a few too many places where Marvin's thoughts, reactions or anything get in the way:
In all of these places, the story would flow more smoothly than it was with Marvin's thoughts added on to the paragraph. Even the last part with the phone call can be edited to make it a little more mysterious and smooth. You'd get more of the subtlety that is key in any short story, and which I'd love to see in this one.
Overall, this is a pretty good story, and a really interesting and unique idea. Most guys that cheat on their wives don't have a conscience like Marvin, and would have reacted much differently, had the black man come to visit them. Even though he cheated on her, Laurel is lucky to have a husband who wouldn't normally do something like that, and when he does, is stricken with guilt and worry. If you proofread this a little, and cut out some unnecessary details, it would be a really good short story.
Hope this helped~
Day
This was cluttered. Though I do like the originality with which you approach the subject, there's a lot of stuff here that could be cut. The beauty of a short story, especially one like this that derives its intrigue from its allegorical value, lies in its subtlety. The dark man should be the central piece in the story, but you misdirect the reader's attention with the man's (unrealistic and annoying and irrelevant) thoughts/reactions, phone calls, unnecessarily detailed backstory, etc. Funnel your story completely into what the dark man is trying to say, because that's what your reader really cares about.
Also, proofread, proofread, proofread. Hope this helped.
-Kafka