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The Quick Brown Fox Reveiw

by Questio


"The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog."

ã

Why was the quick brown fox jumping over the lazy dog? Was there something on the other side of the dog the fox wanted? And why was the dog lazy? Every dog I've ever encountered would have freaked out if it saw a fox, much less if one jumped over it. Was it used to foxes? If so, give us some setting. Maybe it lived in the country so it was used to seeing foxes. Maybe the fox was so quick, it was a super-fox and the dog didn't even see it? We need some background.

Also, have you ever seen a fox that was brown? I live in an area where I see foxes every day, and I've never seen one that's brown. Maybe your fox and dog live in a fantasy world? You need to tell us everything.

You used adjectives, but not really any real imagery. What kind of dog? Was it sunny out? Or was the dog lazy and asleep because it's night out and the fox is sneaking. Or is the day sunny and the fox playful, but it's friend the dog is to tired to play. We need more!

So, to wrap up, give us some setting and background. Tell us WHY. Then use longer, yet flowing imagery to discribe the scene. Details details details.

Something like this:

"The fox crept silently up to the edge of the bushes that hid him, his unique brown fur blending in with his hiding place so well that a hawk couldn't have spotted him. He crouched down, waiting for the dog that paced just a few pawsteps away to settle down.

The silvery light dissapeared, the moon getting blocked by a low cloud. The pointer that looked out for danger began to slow down, satisfied that nothing would try to steal his responsiblilty. The fox nearly squeaked in laughter. Oh, how he would prove that dog wrong.

The dog lay down finally, head resting in his paws. In just a few moments, long, loud snores began to come from the dog, sounding its failure.

The fox left it's cover before the moon could peek back out from behind the fortunate cloud and give away his postition. He padded quietly towards the big cage that held his dinner. The chickens slept peacefully, occasionally bawking and clucking as the dreamed of corn. The fox leaped over the dog, his excitement getting the better of him. He stopped, turning his head to see whether the dog had woken up. It didn't stir.

The fox ran the rest of the short distance up to the trapped chickens, squeezing himself under the weak part of the barrier that separated him from his dinner. It gave away with barely a trace of the clinking sound that usually gave away the presence of thieves come to steal a feathery meal. The chickens bagan to stir, sensing something was wrong. Before they could make a sound, the fox grabbed one and snapped it's neck before it even woke up.

He squeezed his feathery prize under the weak part of the barrier and carried it back to the woods to his den, silently proud that the stupid lazy dog would never know what happened."


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Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:07 am
kingofwernogs says...



Hilarious!




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:19 pm
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there! Here's your second make up review. Merry Christmas!

Let's jump right in~

Or was the dog lazy and asleep because it's night out and the fox is sneaking. Or is the day sunny and the fox playful, but it's friend the dog is to tired to play.


The opening was strong in terms of spelling and stuff, but here you suddenly falter. First, you'll need a question mark to end the first sentence. Next, it's = it is, its = possessive, and you mean "too tired to play". (: Check the rest of your piece to see if you repeated any of these mistakes. (Hint: you did at least once!)

One thing I notice in your writing is that sometimes you fail to just give us the verb. Look at these passages for examples:

the moon getting blocked by a low cloud.

The fox nearly squeaked in laughter.

In just a few moments, long, loud snores began to come from the dog, sounding its failure.


The moon isn't blocked, it's "getting" blocked. The fox doesn't squeak, he "nearly" squeaks. The dog doesn't snore, there are snores "beginning" to come from him. Try to break this habit! This weakens your writing a lot. By presenting us the verbs straightforwardly, you build strong sentences.

the moon blocked by a low cloud.
The fox squeaked in laughter.
In just a few moments, the dog began to snore long and loud, sounding its own failure.

Like those?

The pointer that looked out for danger began to slow down, satisfied that nothing would try to steal his responsiblilty.


Just running a document through a word processor's spell check would be good for editing. The word's "responsibility". Also, I don't get the phrasing here. How would a fox steal his responsibility? He'd just get past his guard, not take it over. Also, renaming the dog "The pointer that looked out for danger" seems to come too late in the narrative. This might have been a good thing to call him at first, but after we've already met him, it's awkward to try to reintroduce us.

peek back out from behind the fortunate cloud


The cloud's lucky? I think you mean to use "fortuitous".

Also, you could probably cut down on the description of individual actions in the part about stealing the chickens. I really like the details about slipping under the barrier, and the images of the chickens, but I'd rather see more concrete details about the location than hear about every step the fox made.

Over all, pretty nice. Spruce up the second half to be really strong and this will be an awesome piece.
PM me with questions or comments, please.
Good luck and keep writing!




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:07 am
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Salutations. I like the idea presented here, and I think you did a good job with this. I'm just going to review it as a normal piece, and I do have a few suggestions:

"The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog."


I'm not sure if you realize this, but it's actually "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." (In yours, there isn't an "s" in the sentence.)

Why was the quick brown fox jumping over the lazy dog? Was there something on the other side of the dog the fox wanted?


In the second sentence, I would suggest cutting out "of the dog" in order to avoid repetition.

Was it used to foxes? If so, give us some setting. Maybe it lived in the country so it was used to seeing foxes.


The same is true here; try to use a phrase other than "used to" to add variety and make the writing flow better.

Also, have you ever seen a fox that was brown? I live in an area where I see foxes every day, and I've never seen one that's brown.


Here as well. Just "I live in an area where I see foxes every day, and I haven't" would work, I think.

Or was the dog lazy and asleep because it's night out and the fox is sneaking. Or is the day sunny and the fox playful, but it's friend the dog is to tired to play.


These are phrased as questions, but punctuated as statements.
Also, that should be "its" (the second time) and "too".

Then use longer, yet flowing imagery to discribe the scene. Details details details.


That should be describe. Also, "longer" and "flowing" don't really go against each other, so "yet" isn't really the right word.
Also, I would suggest adding commas after each "details"

The silvery light dissapeared


disappeared

steal his responsiblilty


responsibility

it's cover


its

before the moon could peek back out from behind the fortunate cloud and give away his postition.


Why is the cloud fortunate? Also, that should be position.

as the dreamed of corn.


they

It gave away with barely a trace of the clinking sound that usually gave away the presence of thieves come to steal a feathery meal.


Try to avoid repeating the phrase "gave away". Also, I'm not sure of the meaning of that phrase the first time it is used.

The chickens bagan to stir


began

Before they could make a sound, the fox grabbed one and snapped it's neck before it even woke up.


Its neck. Also, I would suggest not repeating "before".


Well, that's all. I like the concept, and you did a good job. Good luck with any future writing!




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Sun Feb 17, 2013 6:16 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Ah, your rewrite was good, but it doesn't have anything to do with the dog jumping over the fox at all. . .

I really am not overly familiar with this fable/saying, I don't even know which one it is, it really seems like a pointless statement to me.

The kind of thing a grammar teacher might use. . . Are you a grammar teacher.

If you want to build a story off of this sentence it would be a great one to start with for sure.

But you have to build an ENTIRE story. . .




Questio says...


This whole thing was meant to be funny. I learned to write with the sentance, which contains every letter in the alphabet. T would repeat it over and over until I knew how to write every letter correctly. I was doing a joke of saying that it needs background, yadda yadda yadda. Not a real story.




I exist as I am, that is enough
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