Young Writers Society

"The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog."

　

Why was the quick brown fox jumping over the lazy dog? Was there something on the other side of the dog the fox wanted? And why was the dog lazy? Every dog I've ever encountered would have freaked out if it saw a fox, much less if one jumped over it. Was it used to foxes? If so, give us some setting. Maybe it lived in the country so it was used to seeing foxes. Maybe the fox was so quick, it was a super-fox and the dog didn't even see it? We need some background.

Also, have you ever seen a fox that was brown? I live in an area where I see foxes every day, and I've never seen one that's brown. Maybe your fox and dog live in a fantasy world? You need to tell us everything.

You used adjectives, but not really any real imagery. What kind of dog? Was it sunny out? Or was the dog lazy and asleep because it's night out and the fox is sneaking. Or is the day sunny and the fox playful, but it's friend the dog is to tired to play. We need more!

So, to wrap up, give us some setting and background. Tell us WHY. Then use longer, yet flowing imagery to discribe the scene. Details details details.

Something like this:

"The fox crept silently up to the edge of the bushes that hid him, his unique brown fur blending in with his hiding place so well that a hawk couldn't have spotted him. He crouched down, waiting for the dog that paced just a few pawsteps away to settle down.

The silvery light dissapeared, the moon getting blocked by a low cloud. The pointer that looked out for danger began to slow down, satisfied that nothing would try to steal his responsiblilty. The fox nearly squeaked in laughter. Oh, how he would prove that dog wrong.

The dog lay down finally, head resting in his paws. In just a few moments, long, loud snores began to come from the dog, sounding its failure.

The fox left it's cover before the moon could peek back out from behind the fortunate cloud and give away his postition. He padded quietly towards the big cage that held his dinner. The chickens slept peacefully, occasionally bawking and clucking as the dreamed of corn. The fox leaped over the dog, his excitement getting the better of him. He stopped, turning his head to see whether the dog had woken up. It didn't stir.

The fox ran the rest of the short distance up to the trapped chickens, squeezing himself under the weak part of the barrier that separated him from his dinner. It gave away with barely a trace of the clinking sound that usually gave away the presence of thieves come to steal a feathery meal. The chickens bagan to stir, sensing something was wrong. Before they could make a sound, the fox grabbed one and snapped it's neck before it even woke up.

He squeezed his feathery prize under the weak part of the barrier and carried it back to the woods to his den, silently proud that the stupid lazy dog would never know what happened."