“I couldn’t care less,”
you gently corrected.
I know grammar, remember? as well I know
you, only books were my first true love,
and the sentences seduced me
long before you did. unwittingly.
But I meant exactly what I said:
I could care less (about you.)
My heart is a series of concentric circles,
receding into the depths of me, into the core
which is you. step away, and you can see it for
what it is: a target. and yet you wonder how
I can fear the one I love most of all.
It was winter and your company lulled me
into numbness, and in my meek complacency,
you broke my heart so gently that
I didn’t feel the sting—until now.
There can be no defense against
the one who knows my whole soul.
No matter how much I want to
slam the door between us, I keep
letting hope slide through that narrow crack
until one day I’m blown open entirely.
So I would care less, if only I could,
my dear. in the meantime I’ll pray
that you could care more.
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
I'm Vilnius, and... that is the most spectacular play on word I have seen in a while. You've made me cry-- a good thing.
Your poem was heartfelt and profound. I was especially touched by the lines "No matter how much I want to/slam the door between us, I keep/letting hope slide through that narrow crack/until one day I’m blown open entirely."
I've been there before. It's not a good place to be in.
Stay well and keep writing.
Awww. Thank you. <3 I'm glad my poem reached you.
Wow! I love the way you play with the word “care”, and the phrase “I couldn’t care less”. It’s beautiful. You also have a very strong narrative voice.
Your first stanza was a little confusing to me. I feel like starting out talking purely about grammar isn’t the best way to hook a reader. In addition, I didn’t understand why you wrote “books were my first true love, / and the sentences seduced me”. I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say. Are you saying that you’re a book worm? If you are, how is that important to the poem? How does that add to the theme of love?
I love your fourth stanza, however. The idea of the heart as a series of concentric circles is brilliant. It’s so on point, and so relevant to the poem. I also love the way you describe your heart as a target. It’s such a subtle description, but so elegantly shows the nasty side of love.
The fifth and sixth stanza, as well, are both amazing. I love the idea of winter and numbness- by comparing your love to winter instead of summer, it says a lot about the nature of the relationship. And the line “there can be no defense against / the one who knows my whole soul” is genius. It really captures how vulnerable you are when you’re in love.
The seventh stanza is also amazing. I love the idea of hope sliding through a crack in the door. I can completely relate to the sentiment, and the idea of hoping someone will come back to you. The last stanza also has a really good play on words, but I feel like, compared to the last few stanzas, it falls a bit flat. It’s simplistic, and lacks the powerful imagery the other stanzas had. It’s still poignant, but I think if you could ramp it up a little more, it could be even more impactful.
I think with this poem the strongest parts were the parts that didn’t focus on the idea of “caring/not caring”. The strongest parts were the similes and metaphors, such as “my heart is a series of concentric circles” and “I keep / letting hope slide through that narrow crack”. The poem is centered around the phrase “I couldn’t care less”, but I think it would be much stronger if you shifted the focus to other parts of the poem. It’s just a suggestion; you don’t have to take it.
Overall, though, this was absolutely amazing! I loved it. You really captured the feeling of being in love and being heartbroken.
Thanks for the review, Em!
With the book thing, I was trying for a gentle lead in, using the books to hint at a love for the other person, just as a bridge between the play on words and the emotions involved. (Also, I was trying to be subtle so I didn't feel like I needed to blurt, "I love you!" in a really obvious way) I'm glad to know that it didn't quite work with the rest of the poem, I'll try to smooth it out a little bit.
I'm also glad to hear what you thought of the ending. Emotionally, I thought that felt like the proper way to end it, but that doesn't always translate super well into details like flow and word choice.
I'm glad that you liked it overall! It's very helpful to know what parts you thought were strong. Thanks again.
No matter how much I want to
slam the door between us, I keep
letting hope slide through that narrow crack
until one day I’m blown open entirely.
So I would care less, if only I could,
my dear. in the meantime I’ll pray
that you could care more.
Honestly i can relate with the above part. At times you would wish the other person would just care a lil bit more.
^ I love those lines.
<333 Thank you.
Hello there,
I don't know if this is a stylistic choice or just a mistake, but I'm going to mention it just in case it is something. So, some new sentences are uncapitalized from the middle of a line. Here is an example I found.
Let me know if it was for style and taste because that's cool. Onto the main criticism and praise I have to give about this poem.
This was so moving. I don't know, but it was so short and simple, yet so strong to pull an emotion. I would like to add that I don't really see more of that throughout, so it's a little uneven in ways.
The beginning started out slower and a bit on the weak side and as it continued on it got better and better, so that is a dynamic that should be used more as I believe it makes the reader want to look forward to the next stanza and the next line, really anything after would've came from how that hooked them into it, or that's at least what i think about this piece of poetry.
Have a good day,
Haley.
Heya, thanks for the review!
Yes, the capitalization/lack thereof was intentional. If you think it was ineffecive, though, it would be great to get feedback on that too!
I didn't have a specific organization in mind other than the flow of emotion, so it's good to know that it's a little uneven, I will keep that in mind if I end up reworking the order of things!