Young Writers Society

I'm Vilnius, and... that is the most spectacular play on word I have seen in a while. You've made me cry-- a good thing.

Your poem was heartfelt and profound. I was especially touched by the lines "No matter how much I want to/slam the door between us, I keep/letting hope slide through that narrow crack/until one day I’m blown open entirely."

I've been there before. It's not a good place to be in.

Stay well and keep writing.

Wow! I love the way you play with the word “care”, and the phrase “I couldn’t care less”. It’s beautiful. You also have a very strong narrative voice.
Your first stanza was a little confusing to me. I feel like starting out talking purely about grammar isn’t the best way to hook a reader. In addition, I didn’t understand why you wrote “books were my first true love, / and the sentences seduced me”. I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say. Are you saying that you’re a book worm? If you are, how is that important to the poem? How does that add to the theme of love?
I love your fourth stanza, however. The idea of the heart as a series of concentric circles is brilliant. It’s so on point, and so relevant to the poem. I also love the way you describe your heart as a target. It’s such a subtle description, but so elegantly shows the nasty side of love.
The fifth and sixth stanza, as well, are both amazing. I love the idea of winter and numbness- by comparing your love to winter instead of summer, it says a lot about the nature of the relationship. And the line “there can be no defense against / the one who knows my whole soul” is genius. It really captures how vulnerable you are when you’re in love.
The seventh stanza is also amazing. I love the idea of hope sliding through a crack in the door. I can completely relate to the sentiment, and the idea of hoping someone will come back to you. The last stanza also has a really good play on words, but I feel like, compared to the last few stanzas, it falls a bit flat. It’s simplistic, and lacks the powerful imagery the other stanzas had. It’s still poignant, but I think if you could ramp it up a little more, it could be even more impactful.
I think with this poem the strongest parts were the parts that didn’t focus on the idea of “caring/not caring”. The strongest parts were the similes and metaphors, such as “my heart is a series of concentric circles” and “I keep / letting hope slide through that narrow crack”. The poem is centered around the phrase “I couldn’t care less”, but I think it would be much stronger if you shifted the focus to other parts of the poem. It’s just a suggestion; you don’t have to take it.
Overall, though, this was absolutely amazing! I loved it. You really captured the feeling of being in love and being heartbroken.

No matter how much I want to

slam the door between us, I keep

letting hope slide through that narrow crack

until one day I’m blown open entirely.

So I would care less, if only I could,

my dear. in the meantime I’ll pray

that you could care more.



Honestly i can relate with the above part. At times you would wish the other person would just care a lil bit more.

My heart is a series of concentric circles,

receding into the depths of me, into the core

which is you.

Hello there,

I don't know if this is a stylistic choice or just a mistake, but I'm going to mention it just in case it is something. So, some new sentences are uncapitalized from the middle of a line. Here is an example I found.

I know grammar, remember? as well I know

you, only books were my first true love,

and the sentences seduced me

long before you did. unwittingly.'unwittingly' is the word.

There can be no defense against

the one who knows my whole soul.

It was winter and your company lulled me

into numbness, and in my meek complacency, Oh my, I love that.

you broke my heart so gently that

I didn’t feel the sting—until now.