12/11/12
2 Days Until The Homecoming...
Dear Diary,
I have been writing in you for some time now, since this whole nine-month deployment has gone on. I miss him terribly, I dream of him every night and wait by the door every day. My belly has grown far above the rest of my body. It sticks away from my body like a torpedo. But I guess that happens when your body isn’t your own for a full nine-month pregnancy. Honestly, I just want these twins out of me already, the only saving grace that hasn’t made me go completely insane is that he will be home to help me bring our children into the world. I won’t be lonely anymore.
I look at myself in our floor length mirror installed on our bathroom suite door. Have I changed much? Will he like what he sees? Will I like what I see? Will I still be that attractive little siren he came to love? I know if a person is the one it shouldn’t matter what that person looks like; you should love them regardless but at the end of the day I am only human. I have two milk chocolate arms, a long torso but short legs. I only stand about five foot two in height. Because of my pregnancy,my barely C cup breasts has now become D cups and my already huge behind has now become it’s own entity on my body. My hair is a midnight black dusted with silver gray, stopping at the middle of my back in length.
Well I’m looking at the time and it is one o’clock in the morning. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. So I guess it is off to bed. Goodnight for now. Two more days until he’s back in my arms. Peace and Love.
Adriana
The next morning Adriana Desruisseaux sat straight up in her and her husband memory foam platform bed.
“One more day” she muttered to herself. By then she had rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and rolled over toward the nightstand to say good morning to the man she pledged her life to just a few months prior. Well at least a picture of him.
“Good Morning babe” she said as she kissed a smiling man in the frame beside her bed.
Swinging her legs out from under her and onto the floor she gingerly stepped onto the hardwood floors beneath her. After sliding her feet into her slippers, seeing how there is no possible way to bend anymore, she shuffled her way to the kitchen to make her some spiced cider. It is forty below in Manhattan, NY. Also the wind chill is ridiculous, times like these call for desperate measures. While swirling a cinnamon stick into her cup, Adriana reminisced on the first time that she saw her husband or really didn’t see him at all.
It was a cold wintery night when Adriana Camille Desruisseaux decided to go to her favorite coffee house for a nice hot chocolate and cinnamon chip scone. It was only four blocks away from her studio apartment, she had been in the city since she moved here for school from Vermont. Always the avid person, while walking she noticed shadows mirroring her every move. So she turned around just to see if it was some bypasser walking in the same direction. No one was there. So she continued to walk down the street, inching toward her destination. That’s when she heard a sound behind her. Instead of taking any chances she starts power walking to the coffee house. Then she started to feel someone’s breath on the grazing the back of her neck, as if someone was getting closer and closer to her. Abandoning her plan to stay calm and hoping the stranger will leave, Adriana starts sprinting down the last leg of the block, causing all of the brick buildings to blur together. She almost missed the coffee house altogether.
Turning quickly back around, Adriana slammed into a hard wall. Or at least what seemed like a hard wall.
“Whoa there! Are you alright?” a deep but quiet and soothing voice said. “Here let me help you up.”
Instantly, Adriana was picked up off the ground and she finally was able to get a good look as to what she actually slammed into. Well not really a what, but a who. Deep brown eyes scanned her body for injury while filled with concern.
“What had you in such a hurry at this time of night?” a man asked in a quiet whisper. By that time they both had straightened up off the ground and she could see that this man was quite handsome, even in the dark. He had straight white teeth to compliment his kind smile, a straight nose, a short dark crop of hair and by the indication of the military uniform, one could only imagine what was exactly under that uniform. After her languid perusal of this stranger, she remembered he had asked her a question.
“I think someone is following me” she squeaked in a small whisper. “And I was trying to get into a public place.”
“Well I let’s hurry and get you off these streets then. Let’s not give him a reason to come back then. Whatever you want, it is my treat.” the man said as he held the door open like a chivalrous gentlemen should.
After paying for her coffee blended hot chocolate, they spent hours talking in the little corner booth in the back. Then he went as far as even walking her home. At the end of the night they exchanged numbers and the rest was history.
Adriana, snapping back to the present ,she smiled while she cleaned up her breakfast and started getting ready for her appointment, which she made early because the rest of the day would be spent getting ready for his arrival tomorrow. While drinking her beverage and reminiscing, her doorbell rang. It was her best friend Jackie.
“Hey girl!” a boisterous caramel colored woman stood on Adarria’s doorstep. “How are you feeling?”
“I feel like I’m ready to pop. I’m ready for these babies to be out of me” she laughed and gestured her best friend into her house.
“I bet. Now when is he coming home?”
“Tomorrow at 3:30 at LaGuardia.” Adriana stretching out on her couch. “But I have an hour before my final ultrasound appointment. That is at five.”
“Well let me go with you. We will make it a girl’s day. Do a little shopping to get you a new outfit for your man and get frappuccinos from Starbucks. A little coffee won’t hurt.” At that notion, Jackie gathered my winter wear fit for a New Yorker and we walked toward the subway train.
Out in the blistering cold where the wind stung the two women’s faces. They made their way onto 42nd street and got onto the subway four line then switched subway cars to get onto line A making their way toward 9th street to Adarria’s OBGYN , Dr. Basile M.D.
In the office of the OBGYN, the room started spinning for Adarria. The putrid yellow started to make her stomach curl. While watching the room swim yellow, she ran to the bathroom to throw up her breakfast.Just as she exited the bathroom, her name was called.
“Adriana Desruisseaux.” the nurse attendant announced to the room.
“Yes?” She said stepping forward.
“Come to the back and we will get you set up.” the kind nurse guided her toward the back and into an examination room. The examination room was sterile white with blinking machines used to practice medicine.The room was designed not for luxury or comfort but for function. Adriana began the process of getting herself into the white hospital gown like she had done some many times before. As she was getting dressed she could feel her son and daughter kick around joyfully in her stomach. They were feeding off of her excitement, their father was coming home tomorrow. She started to laugh which is when Jackie came into the room.
“Girl. What is so funny?”
“The twins are kicking around. It feels funny. It is like they know that they will see their father soon.”
“Really? I wanna feel.” Jackie said as she put her hand upon Adriana's stomach, instantly she felt a tiny but powerful kick. It made her eyes crinkle in laughter. “You must have the next David Beckham in there, because that kick was awfully hard for such a little person.”
“Yeah. I think they are just excited.” At that they both hear a knock at the door. “Come in.” The doctor comes in with a smile. Dr. Simone Basile was a Caucasian brown haired woman, with kind blue eyes and a nice smile. One could tell that she enjoyed what she did for a living.
“Alright Mrs. Desruisseaux let’s see how the twins have faired, you are almost due. Maybe a week or two. How are you you feeling?”
“Good. Ready for them to be here already. Especially in time for Alejandro to come home.”
“That’s good. Now get upon the table for me.”
Using the stool, Adriana lifted her 163 pound self onto the examination table. Lying down she was hooked up to the machine and it started blinking lights. Adriana watched the ultrasound screen. The black-gray screen started to show signs of life.
“The twins look in healthy shape. They look like they will be lucky enough to be full term, which is rare in twins.” Dr. Basile stated while looking at the screen.
“So everything looks good?” Adarria asked.
“Yup. They should come any day now” the doctor smiled at her. With that news Adarria put back on her clothes and left the office with Jackie in tow. Even though Adarria was getting tired, she promised that it was not going to ruin her and Jackie’s trip. But they might need to make it fast because she was wearing thin fast.
12/12/12
The Homecoming at LaGuardia...
Adriana walked into LaGuardia with her head held high but a nervousness in her stomach. It had been a while since she had seen her husband. Walking in she saw the stone brick swim by her line of vision, slowing making her way to gate A6. Realizing she didn’t eat before she left home she stopped at the Dunkin Donuts for a bacon-egg-and cheese flatbread with a hot chocolate. While in the facilities brushing her teeth, she bumps into the one person she despises the most in her life, her mother-in-law.
“Hello, Adriana.” a small hispanic woman said with a haughty demeanor.
As she washed her hands in the sink, Adriana looked at her despicable mother-in-law through the mirror. “Hi, Maralina.”
“That’s Mrs. Castillo to you, perra.” she said as she rolled her eyes toward her hated daughter-in-law.
“Mamá, detente. Ella es parte de la familia. Ella no es sólo la esposa de tu hijo único, pero la madre de sus nietos.” Catalina, Alejandro’s sister, proclaimed in rapid-fire Spanish. Unfortunately, Adriana only spoke French, seeing how her father was a full-fledged black Frenchman.
“No me importa. Ella es una puta basura. ¿Cómo sabemos que los niños son aún de Alejandro? Ella es probablemente durmiendo con todo el vecindario...” Maralina said talking to her only daughter.
“Mamá, cállate!” Catalina yelled. Then she turned toward her sister-in-law smiling. She was one of the two people that supported Adriana’s and Alejandro’s marriage.
“Hola Adriana. How are you feeling? Are the twins okay?” Catalina asked with genuine concern.
“We are all fine. I went to the doctor’s yesterday. Everything is going according to plan.” Adarria said with a smile. “Well I got to go wait for Alejandro.”
“Then come wait with us. Papi and Pancho will be happy to see you since the whole dinner fiasco. Mama promises to behave. Verdad, mama?” Catalina questionly looks at her mother.
“Si.” Maralina said in a clipped short tone. Then she dramatically exited the bathroom, leaving the other two behind.
“Don’t mind her. She’s just worried as to whether he will come home or not.” Catalina smiled kindly, but it was also out of pity. “I was serious about the whole coming to sit with us. You are family after all.”
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Hi Qoh
To be honest, I only understood the gist of this piece. I was getting confused with the flashbacks and the use of Adriana and Adarria. Those words are too similar to use because the reader can easily get confused.
I agree with Rosey here - there was too much information in here. But aside from that I was constantly looking for the meaning of this short story. I really like short stories with morals, because otherwise, why are writing the story? What type of message are you trying to bring across? I think that's why I was finding it diffcult to read this; because I was wondering why her meeting a random man was important. Why was meeting her mother in law important? It seemed more like an informing story showing a snippet of someone's life rather than a story that I would remember.
That's the harsh bit done. I'm sorry if I'm too harsh, I don't mean to be. I'm just trying to help.
I think you have your own style in there - and that if you put it to the right story/poem/message/any piece of writing something really beautiful will come out of it. Keep writing and good luck!
Deanie x
Hello.
To be honest, I had a difficult time getting through this. You have a few key issues here that, if fixed, would make a much better story.
1- Information overload.
I'd suggest you read this article and take a look at how much information you're cramming into the story.
You have a mirror scene (which is rather cliche, and out of place in a diary style story which is typically reflections of the day), the city, her middle and last names, where she grew up, how she met her husband... all within the first six paragraphs. That is a lot of information to cram in, and none of it is absolutely critical.
A beginning is meant to generate interest, while a bunch of little tiny little details distract from the forward progression of the story. Then you set up a flashback so early, which makes me wonder why the story wasn't started there. Wait to put flashbacks in till you have the readers' attention. If they absolutely must know about how she met her husband first thing in the story, then make that the start of the story. It's confusing to be put somewhere in the story, only to be given a flashback immediately. You get much more emotional impact with a linear story.
This article has a bit more information on crafting a good beginning. Make sure to give us a reason to care right away, and keep us interested throughout the story.
2- Unbelievability.
This one is a bit harder to fix, but just as important.
In rough order:
Most pregnancies are shorter than 9 months. Therefore, if he was deployed for 9 months, she is very likely delivering their children before he gets back (even if the night of conception was the night he left). It is possible for pregnancies to run late, but the statistics I've heard indicate it is far more likely for a pregnancy to end before 9 months.
Manhattan is incredibly expensive to live in. It is one of the most expensive areas in the US, if not the world (about $1,000 per square foot). I highly doubt a new recruit in the military would be able to afford to live there, especially if most of his income will soon go to kids. Manhattan is the place for the very rich of New York.
Also, it is a business district. Look up where the schools of NY are and pick a living space close to it. A student looking for a place to live in for school has two priorities: price (the lower the better) and location (the closer to the school, the better). The selected place is usually a compromise between the factor the student can't give up. Also, out of state schools are more expensive than in-state. What's her reason for moving?
If she moved there for school, then I'll assume this is university. Universities do not have homecomings. They sometimes have beginning of semester dances, but your date puts it as an end of semester event. I actually haven't heard of a school run dance in universities, so it varies widely by school. You'd have to pick one then find out if they have dances to make sure it's accurate. If she moved for a boarding school, it's just that: a boarding school. The students live on the premises.
3- Who is who in the meeting? Reading the flashback, I'm wondering if the husband is the person who stalked her. If yes... that is rather creepy, not romantic. I'd much prefer he weren't following her (meaning, cut that part of the story so there's no confusion), or he saved her from an actual stalker. Then there is no wondering if he really is a nice guy.
Overall, this could use some work on the basic logistics of the story. Once you clear up what's happening, with less details to bog the story down, you'll have something much stronger. Right now, there's potential, but you could use some polishing.
PM me if you have any questions/comments.
~Rosey