Chapter 1: My First Day
“DAD! MOM! I’m leaving for school.”
“You haven’t had breakfast yet.” said my mom.
“So? Ugh. J.C. get off of me, you’re crushing me.” I said looking at him with disgust.
“Aw. I can’t help it, my little sister is off to high school.” he said laughing.
I flicked him off and kissed my mother and said the rest of my goodbyes. It was a little bit before 7 as I walked to Haven High. I got there just before the morning hallway traffic. I peered down the hallway to see my best friend, Toriah Danes. She is my best friend, we’ve been together since we were in diapers. We talked about what we were going to do this weekend.
As we both walked down the hallway, it was hectic and crowded. The walls looked like they were bursting at the seams. People were pushing and rushing to get to class.
When we walked into our homeroom we saw a vibrant, young and lively woman. The projection screen read, Ms. Pearly Gates.
“Hello class. My name is Ms. Pearly Gates or Ms. PG. I will be your Advanced Writing teacher this year. Please sit down in your seats so I can learn names and take roll.”
After a few minutes she called my name.
“Jazmyn Sonjan”
“Here.” I said, raising my hand.
As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I had knew I made a huge mistake, everyone gasped. Then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Aren’t you GOD’s daughter?”
Just before I could answer the bell rung, signaling that homeroom was over. Toriah rushed me out of class, before anyone could talk to me.
“We have to get you home before anymore questions.” she rushed out, in one confusing sentence.
“No. My dad told me how he handled this. He just denied having anything to do with my grandfather.” I said matter-of-factly.
“Ok, but if you want to go home, just tell me and I’ll call my mom.”
“Thanks, but no thanks girllie.” I said smiling at her worry.
We got through the day without calling Toriah’s mom. We walked out of the school yard and into the street. We got to the other side and started talking.
“So what are you doing tonight?” Toriah asked.
I shrugged. “Nothing special. I have to wait until my Dad comes home from his once a year visit with Lucifer”
“Maybe he will let you go since you’re now 16.” she said so unassumingly, obvious not knowing the wrath of my father. Which makes me think of the time I snuck out of the house to go to Ravan’s house party and got caught when Ravan’s parents came home when they arrived home earlier than planned. They had called all our parents, and man he was angry.
I laughed sarcastically, rolling my eyes. “Maybe when pigs fly. He doesn’t want me associating with them.”
“Well there’s nothing you can really do.” she said, shrugging.
We turned onto our street and I turned to face her. “I’ll call you when he come home to tell you how the meeting went. You know he always tells us what happens.”
“Alright bye.” She said.
I walked up the hill, up the long, winding path to my house. I got to the door and opened it walking into what seemed like an empty house.
“Mom, I’m home! Mom? Where are you?” I asked to the empty air, eventually getting an answer.
“ In here, help yourself to some cookies, they’re your favorite.”
“Ooo. Chocolate chip. And they are still warm.” I say with a glint of happiness in my eyes.
Taking four cookies into the palm of my hand, I trek up the stairs to my room to start on my homework. After a grueling three hours of mind-numbing algebra homework, my father came creeping out of his study knowing that dinner was ready.
“Jazmyn! Dinner!!” my mother yelled from downstairs, sounding miles away.
“Ok! Coming!” I respond back.
Slipping out of the door and cutting across the hallway, I crept down the stairs and past the throne room. The door was cracked and the light to my dad’s study was on. It is usually off limits to us but my curiosity got the best of me. I stepped up to the door sliently and could hear my father on the phone talking to someone.
“No. She’s not coming. He will be there and I don’t want them associating.”
I tried to consume what I just heard. Shuffling past the door quietly, I saunter into the dinning room. I had my poker face on, trying my hardest not to look guilty. I had decided to ask my dad if I could go with him in front of my mom. I get a better chance of getting what I want from him if I asked in front of her. After a few minutes I went in for the attack.
“Mmmm. Mom these potatoes are fantastic.” I say smiling at my mother.
“Suck up.” J.C. mumbled under his breath.
“What do you want?” my dad said, hesitantly, raising his eyebrow.
I feigned a look of shock and appall. “Why would you think I want something, Daddy?” I stated in a sweet and innocent voice, so syrupy sweet.
Then J.C. jumped in with his two cents.
“It’s because you are acting like a suck up.” he said, sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
“What? I can’t be nice?” I asked looking defiant
“Then just tell him what you want.”
At that I looked to the head of the table where my father sat looking regal and shining. Sometimes I forget he is who he really is, not just my dad.
“Daddy, can I go with you to your meeting?” I asked trying not to look at his face, but I couldn’t help it. Then his face turned purple and then flashed as bright as a tomato.
“NO YOU MAY NOT YOUNG LADY!!! You’re not leaving this house ESPECIALLY on a school night.” he said is voice filled with authority.
“But dad...” I said meekly.
“Don’t ‘but dad’ me. You are not going and that is final.” he said with a stern face, unmoving.
“That’s not even fair! You let J.C. go when he was my age and you won’t let me go?”
“Because I said so, and that all I am going to say on the matter.” he growled, pushing his chair from the table and stomping from the room, making the dishes clatter loudly.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Family Feud: Chapter 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
pretty short but it was good ! (: Does Jazmyn fall in love with Lucifer? Omg you need to tell me.
Okay. I see that you have some extremely thorough reviews here, so some of (or all of) what I'm about to say may be a bit redundant. Overall, I really liked this story. It's a very interesting idea and it caught my interest right away. There are only a few not-picky things that I'm going to point out.
You started every one of these sentences with "We" which makes it sound more like a choppy list. You should add more detail here and start the sentences differently so it doesn't sound as choppy and makes it flow together more.
Throughout most of this, you didn't use as much detail as you probably could, or should have. Some parts were like the example above, and were just short sentences stuck in and didn't really add anything to it. It seemed almost as if you were saying the things that were absolutely necessary, and didn't add anything to liven it up.
The first line makes it seem like he's a little boy who jumped on her, or he's sitting on her and she can't get up. Either way, you should probably say beforehand that he's on her (or hugging her?) instead of just working it into the conversation like that, because I was a bit confused. The way you opened the story made it seem like she was walking out the door, but then you said "get off of me" and then I pictured her on the floor with a seven year old on top of her? It was just confusing. And then you said "little sister" which changed my view, AGAIN. So all in all, that part was slightly confusing.
Okay. This one was also a little weird. Is this some sort of special high school for important people? Or does everyone on the face of the planet know that God is a person, and that he has a daughter? Yeah, just a little thing you should have mentioned in the beginning. And one more thing, I would refrain from using caps lock in a novel. You should italicize "God" instead, because it's more professional. (The same with the "Mom! Dad!" in the beginning, as well as the sentence God yells at the end. You should describe how loud it is, instead of using caps lock.)
I think that's about all for now... Oh! Right, and avoid using excessive punctuation. The sentence God yells, "No you may not, young lady!" had about four exclamation points at the end, and when authors do things like that, it makes them seem a little childish and unprofessional.
But other than those nit-picky things, I think it's a very good start
This is a fairly simplistic style of writing. Honestly, it just shows that you're young. (Sorry if that's offensive.) Be descriptive--use pretty words that mean the same thing as the common word you'd normally use. The dictionary and the thesaurus are your friends.
Play around with words, and always be thinking about the choices you've made in a piece. Is this the best word to describe this? Should I phrase this differently? Does this sound strange? How can I make this better?
Really, the only way you can improve yourself is to keep writing. Provided, of course, that you listen to teachers and critiquers, and that you are really interested and work at becoming better in your writing, you'll eventually improve.
Overall, this is ok, but it's not something I'd normally read. (Sorry.)
Overall, I think this is interesting! I like the idea of her dad being God, though I don’t really know what that means in your world or your society. Do people think of him as a holy and just god, or someone to be feared? What kind of treatment does your main character usually get because of being his kid? You never give us specifics, only that it was annoying enough to maybe leave school because of it. So there is still much explaining for you to do, but for now, this is a good start. Just keep adding details to make this more engaging and clear, and you’ll be on the right track.
I always tell people to take a good look at their characters, and make sure you make them unique and full of life. I don’t really know who any of these people are yet. So far, I’d say you’re leaning a bit into the stereotypes; the mean, stubborn father; the immature, sarcastic older brother; the loving mother; the best friend, who only seems to exist to give the main character someone to talk to. Work to develop these people and make them memorable, and not forgettable.
Your grammar for the most part is good, but I highly encourage you to look up comma rules. Also, tips on description and dialogue would definitely not hurt, either.
So that’s all I’ll say for this chapter, hope I helped!
Run on sentance
Cliche anybody?
Now we're talking in the third person, are we?
Litterally a throne room, or figuratively(I've only read up to this point at the writing of this line)?
This seems to get some character devolopment going on up in here! Be careful, if you don't want her to seem the investigative, curious, inquisitive type, you may be passing the wrong signal.
Qoh16, do read the spoiler, please, might I add? I've been rude enough through the review haven't I, the least I could do is say "please," right? :3 This is my prediction, not really a spoiler:
Spoiler
Wow. He's predictable! I assume that's the message you're trying to send, and this "stereotype" is fairly common in terms of the real world. Don't be afraid to embrace it, really. (In my opinion, but nobody cares about me!
I think there's a comma that wants to be placed here: I say, smiling at my mother.
See look how lonely he is down there! :0 He needs a hug!
,
Now it seems you are swaying to turn the story into what I've mutilated my review to be: A comedy.
So far, the story seems pretty good. Unstable, but shows potential.
I read the last parts without comment. Is that a good or a bad thing?
OVERALL:
I found it rather interesting, but the characters seem quite predictable, albeit I won't call them flat or boring. They all seem like stereotypes to me, which is how I start my characters, them work off them. Don't ride on the idea. Build on it. I'll hopefully take a break, as if I attempt to right another review I'll probably create something even more smart-bleepis and rude. But I might read more, still. Just pray I don't review more.
PS: If you felt like I crushed part of you or you are overjoyed, or are made to think from my review, take that as a good thing. It means you are attached to the story and commited.
PPS: I feel really hyper hyperhhypergyroyerpsdfgrpewrjIUHDF right now. I tried to type really fast there, but I kept hitting keys next to things and everything went all badsys on my!
PPPS: Don't you love post whatever-they're-calleds(the appended PPPS')?
PPPPS: Yes, it is PPPP not PSSSS. The P stands for Post, the S stands for...something, that's right, something. I'm sure of it...
PPPPPS: I actually kind of like this review. I hope I made you laugh, and not cry or die at all. Later, I'll probably gouge my eyes out at the thought that I actually wrote this horrid-in-reality review.
Another appendage of an acronym of which I don't know what it represents: After reading the review above, I have to say( I think I said it previously)I can say I clearly "saw" everything. I contest her point, and say that even without descriptions, I find it clear the environment. It's assumable based on each characters actions and such, but, a little description never killed anyone(citation needed).
--Skis
It will make sense later in the story. I can't be giving stuff away!!! Even if you are my sister. Haha. You are gonna have to read just like everyone else.
And wats with the Title.???????
And wats with the Title.???????
CHICA.!!!!!!!
QUE BUENA.!! ME GUSTA MAS.!!!!
(Lolz yes im reading this 4rm skoo like I promised..)
But overall Its good so far.. lolz so down to Earth.
However I cant picture how any of the characters look like, I mean when I read I see it playing out in my head, and I cant exactly put a face to Jaz. Plus her father is GOD right.?? Come on, reader wanna know what he looks like. I mean does he look like a dad.? Long hair, short hair, muscular... SOMETHING.!!!!!
STOP LEAVING US HANGING.!!!!!
Love you <3 **muahhh**
Thanks chica! I am gonna start the second one now.
Its still amazing sister. Hopefully you write chapter 2 soon so I may read XD. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!
Soulkana<3
Haha. yeah. i just got tired and quit on writing. Maybe when I finish you can suggest a title. And I suggest you go to sleep.
I'm curious to where this is heading haha. It was rather short and I was kind of wondering if you were going to continue with it. Hopefully you keep writing this because I want to read more. I was a little lost at it, but I'm sure I'll understand once you write more!! From what I read I couldn't find anything wrong but I am solely tired at this point as I haven't slept in weeks I could've just skipped over it but once I am better I shall read it once again and find if there is anything I need to point out. As for now you did amazing and keep writing this. Good luck and Happy writing!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3