Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well that was certainly a very appropriate title that you had there. It was certainly very well executed with this premise of someone waking up blind for the first time. You've done a really good job showing the panic of the situation and that mental checklist was also pretty realistic. Great job with the emotions there.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I had weird dreams that night. Long ones. My dreams are usually creepy, but this was worse. Like I was back in school, dropping acid, but I was asleep this time. There were colors that I had never seen before, sounds and feelings that were all new to my mind. My body felt as though it were being torn form itself. It hurt so bad, I can't even place words to compare it. It was... immense, to say the least. The worst pain was in my eyes. Not like I was being poked in the eye, on the surface, but behind them, inside my head. It was a dream, I knew it wasn't real, but I could swear that the pain was there. The colors, the feelings, it was all there. It all felt real. Gradually the dreams slipped away, and I was able to return to a normal sleep, the kind you don't remember.
Well that is a very interesting place to start things off there. Definitely grabs the attention of a reader although its kind of a large paragraph to be starting things on. It could probably do with just a little bit of trimming or even splitting in two to make it just a little more snappy at conveying the pain and shock.
As consciousness returned to me, I could feel each part of my body waking up individually. As though each part of my body had experienced the same dream I had. I could feel the covers and the pillows were all drenched with sweat. My hearing returned, and I could hear a dog barking, and children playing outside. a coffee maker beeping, the faint buzzing of flies off in the distance. I could hear the apartment creaking, even leaves beating against each other in the faint breeze there must have been outside. I lay there, taking in the night's happenings, tried to analyze it. I still hadn't opened my eyes. I was still waiting. For nothing, I suppose, just waiting. Maybe for the rest of my body to wake up, maybe waiting for my eyesight to return from its sleep. I suppose my eyes had more to digest than anything. I could hear the ticking of a watch on my bed stand. I counted the ticks. One, two, three, four, five... the coffee maker stopped beeping. Twenty four, twenty five, twenty six... a car drives by too fast. One hundred and fifteen, one hundred and sixteen, almost two minutes now, I should have been able to see by then. I stayed in bed for what must have been fifteen minutes. I lost count after two hundred and something.
Oh dear that is a monster paragraph. The slow buildup to the eyes not opening is really well done but the whole thing is just extremely long and a little hard to read at first glance. You have to put quite some effort to read that. It needs to be broken into smaller chunks there if you want it to be easy to read.
I stood up, and felt my way to the door. I kept telling myself to breathe. In and out, in and out. Deeper, longer. Just to breathe. I hoped, wished, prayed that someone would call. Anyone. A telemarketer, he would be able to help. Anyone could help. Unfortunately, fate was not on my side this morning, if it weren't obvious already. My computer chimed in with a helpful “You've got mail!”
You're capturing this sudden helplessness really well in these two paragraphs. We can see just how much confusion and terror this person must be experiencing in this horrible situation.
I uttered the same grunt that seemed to sound enough like 'yes' to get the girl to do what I needed.
“Ok sir, an ambulance is on it's way.”
I hung up the phone, I wasn't much for chitchat right now anyway.
Well that sounds like the result of a very serious injury there. Definitely not a nice thing to experience for anyone. And that phone call seems pretty realistic as to how that would go down. You would expect a police officer to recognize distress like that so well done there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So this was done pretty well. Like I said the emotions were amazing. The only thing I would suggest you change are some of the longer paragraphs. They are really hard to read and would do just a lot better as smaller pieces. Besides that the overall flow was done pretty well and the descriptions were pretty good too.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4102
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