Published April 5, 2007
Not really sure if the names fit, crit would be appreciated.
Chapter 2
Leif fell hard onto the uneven ground. Above him a hail of arrows flew. Leif rolled to his back and gasped for air, paralyzed with fear, trying to move, to get out of the way.
He tried to think clearly. Who are these people and what did they want with me? he asked himself over and over. Most likely he had crossed the Quillin border into Forthor while delivering a message for his knight master. The guards would shoot for their country, not caring about their victim; they would shoot a King if he came their way. Another possibility was that they were bandits, and had mistaked him for a knight. That was not hard to do; he was tall for fifteen, and his tunic could be easily mistaken for his masters, Sir Oliven of Renth.
Leif had trained for this as a page. He remembered being bottom of the class, and his friend Crispian giving him extra lessons in his free time. But Cris wasn't their now. Leif was alone, with only a long hunting knife for protection.
"I do not mean any harm," he yelled. "Let me go free, I will not hurt you." The last of the arrows thudded to the ground, and Leif emerged from behind the rocks.
"Ah," said a booming voice, "a mere squire. You see, men, we need not worry. The Forthians will not dare hurt us, strong knights as you are,"
"So we are in Forthor?" asked Leif.
"Forthor? Of course! Haven't you seen the guards? You're well into Forthor, boy. What's your name? You're welcome to join our party."
"Leif of Torran, sir, squire to the honorable Sir Oliven of Renth," Leif mumbled at his shoes.
"Oliven? Oliven, you say? An old friend of mine that Oliven. And you're his squire? I'm impressed, very impressed,"
"Is it too impolite to ask your name, sir?"
"My name? I am the one and only Sir Johnson of Renth."
"Sir Johnson!" Leif yelled, excited.
"Keep it down, for heaven's sake. Yes, I am Sir Johnson,"
"I have a message for you, sir, from Sir Oliven."
"Give here then, Leif." Leif handed over the parchment and Sir Johnson read it quickly, then tucked it briskly into his belt. "You had best come with us," he said, all cheer gone.
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141,435 Literary Works • 674,415 Reviews
More description might be good as Ares mentioned; however, I think that if you slowed down the pace just a bit it would be just as beneficial. I like fast-paced stories, but the reader really isn't sure what is going on yet, so going a little slower might be nice. Also, your fast pace can slaughter opportunities for character development, so watch out for pace.
In all, this was very interesting. You have me wondering what message Oliven sent to Johnson. Intriguing.
The other thing I want to address is the naturality of Leif's thoughts. You delve into his mind in the second paragraph as he wonders what the archers want, but his thoughts seem a bit long-winded. Especially the part where he talks abour delivering for his knight master. Making his thoughts more succinct might help there.
I like the image of arrows as being hail, but a hail of arrows? It sounds a little strange to me.
Despite my criticism, this was quite good! I like being introduced to new characters.
Most likely he had crossed the Quillin border into Forthor. The guards would shoot for their country, not caring the age of their victim.
The only factor you mention is age. What about gender or origin or anything like that?
More descript would be good, like how and where Leif had been travelling and what he was thinking about before someone started shooting at him.
That's it.
Your writing's good.