Untitled- Chapter 1

I think it's pretty good. This has probably been said already but I think you should describe Lawrence, Cris, and their surroundings and maybe shed some light on the battle that took place too.

It's good though.

Simple and enjoyable.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you for all the suggestions! I will keep them in mind when I write more. Yes, it is a continuation of the prolouge I posted.

Hello Pyxis. ^_^

I have to say - this is pretty good. But you haven’t yet got the hang of speech punctuation, which is a trick beast. Your dialogue, also, feels weak at a couple of points.

Anyways, let me quote the areas I think can be improved upon/have grammatical errors, and I’ll follow the quote with suggestions and corrections.


He had no idea where he was; his memory was failing him until about a week before this point.

- Suggestion: ‘He had no idea where he was; his memory was failing him until about a week before [s]this point[/s].’ The ‘this point’ isn’t really needed, I think this flows better without it.


"Laurence," he croaked, addressing the castle healer, "Where are we? What's going on?"

- Correction: ‘"Laurence," he croaked, addressing the castle healer, "where are we? What's going on?"’ As Cris is saying, ‘Laurence, where are we?’ the ‘where’ should not have a capital letter.


and the last thing you need is to loose energy speaking.

- Correction: ‘and the last thing you need is to [s]loose[/s] lose energy speaking.’ Typo.


energy speaking." he paused "As for what's going on, there was a battle three days ago. You were hit hard in the head while trying to save your master.

- Suggestions and corrections: ‘energy speaking." He paused. "[s]As for what's going on,[/s] There was a battle three days ago. You were hit hard in the head [s]while[/s] whilst trying to save your master.’ As ‘he paused’ is an action, and not a speech tag, it has a capital letter here. Also, ‘while’ in this case should be ‘whilst’.

I cut out the ‘As for what’s going on,’ as it’s a common mistake new (and some old) writers make. It arises when a character is answering two or more questions raised my another character. The thing is, people don’t tend to talk like that, and it doesn’t flow well either. It’s much better to just have the character answer the second question (as I did in my suggestion) without the introduction to the question.


"Where is Sir Lennon?" asked Cris horsely, speaking of his new master. Laurence bowed his head "He is all right, isn't he?" Crispian's voice had an edge of fear to it now.

- Suggestions and correction: ‘"Where is Sir Lennon?" asked Cris [s]horsely[/s], speaking of his new master. Laurence bowed his head. "He is all right, isn't he?" Crispian's voice now had an edge of fear to it [s]now[/s].’ I cut out ‘horsely’ (which should actually have been ‘hoarsely’ by the way ), because adverbs generally weaken prose, and should be avoided if possible. Also, moved around the ‘now’, cos it felt unusual to me placed at the end of the sentence.


"Here, eat this, boy," offered Laurence,

- Suggestion: ‘"Here, eat this, [s]boy,[/s]" offered Laurence,’ Always calling him ‘boy’ at the end of his dialogue is starting to feel repetitive.


The gruel was horrible, but Crispian knew it was the best Laurence could give him with the limited food supply and did not complain.

- Suggestion: ‘The gruel was horrible, but Crispian knew it was the best Laurence could give him with the limited food supply, and did not complain.’ I find that this sentence flows more naturally with a comma in place.


"How many were killed?" asked Cris when he had eaten the gruel.

- Suggestion: ‘"How many were killed?" asked Cris [s]when[/s] once he had [s]eaten[/s] finished the gruel.’ I dunno, this may just be me being weird, but I felt ‘when he had eaten the gruel’ didn’t flow too well.


"Well, your Sir Lennon," Laurence began to count on his fingers, "Sir Hans, Squire Cade, Sir Samuel, and," Laurence's face fell "King Jacob."

- Corrections: ‘"Well, your Sir Lennon." Laurence began to count on his fingers. "Sir Hans, Squire Cade, Sir Samuel, and," Laurence's face fell, "King Jacob."’ Just fixing the dialogue punctuation.


Anyways, this is a very good start to a story, and your writing style shows a lot of potential. I hope to see more of your work in the future. ^_^

Hope you found this crit helpful.

-- Sureal

Ooooh, this was quite good, very intriguing. You've set up your characters nicely and begun to develop them. I hope you write more of this; I'd like to know more about Laurence (whose name I love by the way)

Crispian lay on the hard ground, barely conscious. He had no idea where he was; his memory was failing him until about a week before this point. He tried to heave himself onto his feet, but a rough hand forced him back. He knew that hand. That hand had helped him as a page, when he had fallen from a horse and broken a wrist.

Hiya, me again
this is the continuation of the prologue you posted, right?

I really liked this and have little to critique except that you said; "The opposing cavalry killed him." this sounds a little stiff for real conversation between characters. It seems more likely that he would simpley say that they got him, or something along those lines.

I really like the story and will definitly read the rest if you post it.

I won't say that your work is amazing considering your age, simply because for some reason or another it has always bothered me to no end when that is said to me.
Despite this I will say; that with potential like yours if you stop writing I will hunt you down to demand why.... NOTE: this is NOT a threat I am kidding, though you can never really tell when someone's typing is sarcastic or not... thus the note!

-Gen