An Unavoidable Fate- Chapter 1

Apologies for the weird formatting--my computer won't behave!

Pyxis wrote:Not sure about the title! Please review.


Chapter 1

Leif of Renth was not particularly talented, but I'd add 'he was' here,

otherwise the sentence seems rather disconnected quickthinking and

brave,semicolon two vital characteristics if he was to be knighted

someday. No one expected him to become a hero,another semi he would be a

footsoldier, nothing more, nothing less.'nothing more, nothing less' is rather

cliche, and I don't think it's a great idea to have it in the opening paragraph.

All in all, this didn't scintillate me--but I think it could given a little more

work.

Many nobles wondered why the legendary warrior Sir Oliven took Leif as his

squire. Perhaps it was that he was a smart boy, and able to make decisions in a

split second when needed. Or maybe he had hoped that Leif would turn out to be a

good second in commandsecond-in-command when the time came.

The true reason thethat Oliven had chosen Leif was that Leif was not

remotely attracted by beauty How did Oliven know that? Had he been stalking

him for a while?;). This would be a large advantage in the battles to come.

Especcially Especially--spell checking is always a good thing since the

new emerging tyrant had begun to gain power Tyrant came as a shock. You

introduced Oliven as a 'legendary warrior' and then casually throw in that he's

also a tyrant. I think this introduction needs to be done differently, because I

assume that Oliven and Leif are both important (and if they're not, why are they

the first people you tell us about?). I'm sure you've heard of 'show, don't tell'

and I'm afraid you've fallen into the 'telling' trap here--give me some action,

perhaps let me see Leif taken before Oliven and told he's going to be his squire,

and why. Give me Leif's feelings on being squired (O_o) to a tyrant. Make me

care!. Lady Tain She's the opponent, right? Make that clear was

indescribably beautiful. She could break the strongest men's wills with her looks

alone. And Oliven hoped that Leif might just be able to conquer that strange

power of Tain's and save the kingdom from an almost unavoidalbeunavoidable

fate. Again, this beginning is rather unenchanting and could certainly be

termed an 'infodump'. Check out the beginnings of books and you'll see that the

good ones don't start like this. I know it's pain and it might be really

difficult (I had to do it myself and it actually made me cry ) but it's worth

it! It really is!
***********************************************************
"Perfect, perfect!" roared Sir Oliven, complimenting his squire on his

swordsmanship Wait, wait, wait, in your first sentence you said he wasn't

particularly talented!. They were on the grounds outside of the king's

palace, both riding magnificent steeds, a pure white stallion and a chestnut

mare.

"Thank you, sir," said Leif, smiling. He blinked back sweat in the boiling sun.

"Tell me, Leif, who taught you fencing originally?" Oliven gazed inquisitively at

Leif.

"Duke Caprin of Renth, sir, my father." I'd rearrange this and put the

'father' bit before the name--personally if I see long names like that I don't

take notice of them unless I know they're going to be important, and 'father'

would indicate that.

"Caprin? How long ago was Leif squired? Because I'd expect a knight,

especially a 'tyrant' to learn about his potential squire before he picked him. I

doubt this would be a surprise. We trained together as lads. Tell him I wish

him luck in attempt to make peace with the goblins of Ytar next time you see him,

all right?"

"Yes, sir." Leif smiled again. Oliven glanced up at the clock by the palace.

"Oh, we're running late. Come on." hHe wheeled his stallion around and

guided it back to the stables. Leif sighed, fatigued after a long day of

jousting, archery, and fencing.

About an hour later, Leif could be found standing by the wall of the great hall,

in a line with the other squires, waiting for the king to make the daily

announcements.

"I must announce, to my displeasure," boomed King Nathaniel "That war has been

declared between Tyara and Syyrus,"full stop, capital letter the words

seemed to ring with a dreadful power for several long seconds after they were

voiced. "I must warn all knights that Syyrus has a large and powerful army. And

that their queen, Lady Tain, is not to be approached in any circumstances. Her

beauty alone has helped to claim the lives of many of Tyara's finest knights. Her

unimaginable features have put men under traces which they could not escape from.

No man has faced Tain and gotten Gotten is terribly out of place here--in a

story set in a knightly time period, there's no way they'd be saying

'gotten'. away alive. Our honorable Sir Lennon, Duke Christopher..." and the

king went on, listing the names of the men who had died at Lady Tain's

hand.That's much more effective in introducing Lady Tain!
***************************************************
Emelina ran down the crowded cobblestone street, fireryfiery red hair

flying behind her. She stopped abruptly next to her mother, a scowling woman

holding a wailing baby in one arm and a basket of fruit in the other.

"Mother, about last night-" hHer father, a knight, had heard the king's

speech the preceding night maybe 'evening'? 'knight' and 'night', y'know

... and conveyed it to the family. Her mother's frown deepened.

"We've already discussed this, Emelina. No more questions."

"But, mother, if it's only Tain's beauty and not strength, couldn't a lady-"

Ooooooh, good point! Nice idea there.

"Silence, girl. Ladies have no place in battle. No honorable lady would even

dream of such a thing."And yet she's standing in a comman street with a baby

and a basket of fruit ... I'm confused about their social standing here! Maybe a

hint of what they're wearing might be a good idea, because I can't picture these

people properly yet.

"Then I'm not an honorable lady. What do you care?" Emelina said, dismissing the

subject "But if a lady were to fight-"

"Stop dreaming, Emelina. You will never fight. You will marry an honorable knight

and be a good housewife. You will become a lady. What fool would marry a girl who

fantazied about running off and killing an evil queen?"

"There are quite a lot of fools out there, you know.XD This bit is better than

the last--you have a sense of humour! And what if I don't want to marry?"

At these words Emelina's mother looked ready to explde with rage. "You will

marry.should be a comma. If you're not sure about how to format speech, you

could take a look as this article I wrote on it a while back

http://www.teenagewriters.com/forum/sho ... php?t=7303 You might have one on

this site, but I'm new, I don't know these things. *rolleyes*" she said, her

voice quivering "Your father and I were not lucky enough to have a son, so you

shallmaybe make it 'will', so it's a bit more forceful? make us proud." At

this, Emelina blinked back the hot tears that were rushing to her eyes. "We have

already arranged a marriage for you," her mother continued.

"What?" raged Emelinafullstop -- and I don't like the 'raged' here--to me a

rage isn't just one word, it's a full-on rant. It'd also be nice to know what

Emelina's thinking and feeling about this--bring me closer to the MCs

"Yes,"full stop, capital letter her mother sounded smug. "wWwith

Squire Leif of Renth, soon to be knighted."

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"No. I'm not marrying Squire Whats-his-name."

"Surely you will change your mind after you meet young Leif. He's a quite nice

young man, and handsome, too. Lovely dark hair and blue eyes."

"I don't care what he looks like, I'm not marrying!"

And with that, Emelina turned her back on her mother and ran down the street into

the falling dusk, sobbing.

Looking very good (I like this kind of stuff, knights and all ). Anyway, you might add a little more of an introduction, seems kind of abrupt. Good job! Keep it up.

Lo.

but quickthinking and brave

- Correction:

‘but quick thinking and brave’


Especcially since the new emerging tyrant had begun to gain power. Lady Tain was indescribably beautiful. She could break the strongest men's wills with her looks alone. And Oliven hoped that Leif might just be able to conquer that strange power of Tain's and save the kingdom from an almost unavoidalbe fate.

- Corrections:

‘[s]Especcially[/s] Especially since the new emerging tyrant had begun to gain power. Lady Tain was indescribably beautiful. She could break the strongest men's wills with her looks alone. And Oliven hoped that Leif might just be able to conquer that strange power of Tain's and save the kingdom from an almost [s]unavoidable[/s] unavoidable fate.’


"Tell me, Leif, who taught you fencing originally?" Oliven gazed inquisitively at Leif.

- Suggestion:

‘"Tell me, Leif, who taught you fencing originally?" Oliven gazed [s]inquisitively[/s] at Leif.’

(You’ve already used a fair number of adverbs - words used to describe verbs - and too many of them weaken your prose. Generally, you should look for a better verb, rather than using an adverb. Eg - using ‘marched’ instead of ‘walked quickly’)


Tell him I wish him luck in attempt to make peace with the goblins of Ytar next time you see him, all right?

- Suggestion:

‘Tell him I wish him luck in his attempt to make peace with the goblins of Ytar next time you see him, all right?’


he wheeled his stallion around

- Correction:

‘[s]he[/s] He wheeled his stallion around’


"I must announce, to my displeasure," boomed King Nathaniel "That war has been declared between Tyara and Syyrus," the words seemed to ring with a dreadful power for several long seconds after they were voiced.

- Suggestions and corrections:

‘"I must [s]announce[/s] reveal, to my displeasure," boomed King Nathaniel, "That war has been declared between Tyara and Syyrus[s],[/s]." [s]the[/s] The words seemed to ring with a dreadful power for several long seconds after they were voiced.’

(You’ve already used the word ‘announcement’, and you’ll want to avoid needless repetition - hence my change to the word ‘reveal’.

Other stuff is just punctuation issues).


"Then I'm not an honorable lady. What do you care?" Emelina said, dismissing the subject "But if a lady were to fight-"

- Correction:

‘"Then I'm not an honorable lady. What do you care?" Emelina said, dismissing the subject. "But if a lady were to fight-"’


At these words Emelina's mother looked ready to explde with rage. "You will marry." she said, her voice quivering "Your father and I were not lucky enough to have a son, so you shall make us proud."

- Corrections:

‘At these words Emelina's mother looked ready to [s]explde[/s] explode with rage. "You will marry[s].[/s]," she said, her voice quivering. "Your father and I were not lucky enough to have a son, so you shall make us proud."’


"Yes," her mother sounded smug. "with Squire Leif of Renth, soon to be knighted."

- Corrections:

‘"Yes[s],[/s]." [s]her[/s] Her mother sounded smug. "[s]with[/s] With Squire Leif of Renth, soon to be knighted."’



I have to commend you - when I saw your age, I, being the prejudiced person I am (;)), I feared the worst. But this was written well, with a minimal number of spelling issues. You seem to have a bit of trouble with dialogue punctuation, but then lots of people do. I recommend studying this - Snoink (a member of this site) has done a good job with it.

Apart from that, my main other piece of advice would be to spell check this. You made some rather obvious mistakes, and these can be easily fixed just by checking over the piece once you’re done.

Nice job. And keep on writing.