He stared out into the sky. He could see the lights of Alagaesia. It had changed so much. He didn’t know who the ruler was but he was sure no-one could see them. Looking down, he saw him, his own father, still there in his diamond tomb. “What are we doing here master? Why did you bring us here?” the young rider asked with curiosity. But Eragon was in his own world and voices had become numb. The only sound was the gushing wind and the heavy breadths of both their dragons. It was so cold that if his tears were frozen, he wouldn’t be surprised. He could feel Saphira’s comforting presence. He wanted to be with him, go back to the way it was a hundred years ago. Brom finally seemed at peace, protected by the diamonds on his tomb but secrets still lured deep inside him. But Eragon knew he couldn’t stay, not now. He had promises to keep and a long way to go before he could return. Flashes of memories went through his mind, all those good times. “If I could only have that life for one more day” he whispered to himself and turned around and left.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hurrah! An Inheritance Cycle Fan Fic! So happy!
This is completely perfect for Eragon visiting Brom after a thousand years. I couldn't picture anything better!
So, you've stated that you aren't a good writer.... Are you sure? Because I found this super enjoyable.
~
I still have a few nit-pics, though:
'He didn’t know who the ruler was but he was sure no-one could see them.
No-one can be just separated into two words. (No one)
Also, putting anymore after was would probably sound better. This way, it sounds a bit like he's never been to Alagaesia.
You should also use paragraphing when you're doing dialogue. No other paragraphing is needed.
~
You keep up the mystery really well in this! It sounds almost like Christopher Poalini wrote this himself. (You wouldn't happen to be him, would you?) Super, super good.
Merry Christmas!
~Holographic Ladybug
Thanks Sox! About what you said at the last, you know I have some blonde moments!
Ash! You posted <3 <3
Anyways, some nitpicks:-
Somethings just off with this sentence. Eragon doesn't know who the new ruler is, fine, what does it matter of who could see him and who couldn't.
I'm pretty sure this sentence is just me, but then yeah. How about something like: He didn’t know who the ruler, or how strong he was, but he was sure
no-one could see themhis wards would protect him from any on-lookers.A comma between 'here' and 'master'.
Re-frame the sentence. Something like:- It was so cold, he wouldn't be surprised if his tears froze.
Now, here you change the topic from Brom to Saphira, so obviously when you look at the next sentence, you think its about Saphira. So, it took me a moment to register that when you said, "He wanted to be with him.", you meant Brom. Change both the pronouns. Change the sentence to: Eragon wanted to be with Brom again. Go back to the way things were a thousand years ago.
Also, I find this rather hilarious:-
The title says "After a thousand years"
So yeah, other than all that, it was really good. The grammar was good, and the only thing you need to work on is sentence structure. Well done!
Keep writing~
Sox <3