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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I guess, I'm not sure what to think. Your title alludes to something more than what you present, I think. Maybe it's just because my personal take on the subject is a bit darker, but this feels entirely too light - and honest light, not ironic or creepy light - for me to take seriously as about war. Like, I think what you say is true, but said so lightly, I find it hard to grapple with - part of this is the rhyme. In general (but not always!) rhyme tends to lend a more child-like air to a poem. It can be incredibly effective in poems such as this, but instead this mostly feels a bit awkward. The repetition of "the art of war" is too much, at least with the rhyme.
Your strongest stanza is your last - I do have a couple suggestions stylistically to make it a bit tighter, but it's definitely your strongest. I'm just going to put my thoughts below - I only deleted, I didn't add anything.
We could have this peace,
But there are some who say
That it is too much trouble
and the war has not ended and never will
that is the art of war.
Just reads a bit cleaner, I think. Of course, I'm also a fan of using the fewest words possible, so take that with a grain of salt! ^^
Also, watch your capitalization - regardless of what you do, do it consistently. Just in the stanza above, you capitalize and don't capitalize the start of your lines. Pick one and stick to it! But don't go half-way. Just do it.
One last note - you have "the war ends/it ends at last" - yet your last stanza contradicts this. Pick one! Or, it you want to explain how war "ends," but never truly ends, find a way to state that without confusing your audience. You can literally say "this war ends" and then later say something like "it began again", or even "it ends/but never truly stops" or something. But as you have it, we have an impossible situation, without explanation. You can definitely have that duality, but you have to give your reader enough to connect the dots, and not be left in utter confusion.
Anyway! You have some good images to work with, and a start at what could be a really good poem. Just keep plugging away at it! Most of my issue lies with how you're trying to make this rhyme. Get away from that, and see what you come up with! "but all must shoot something/as it is the art of war" I really like, but the line above is just awkward, and feels like it's done solely for the purpose of the rhyme. Even taking out "something" and leaving just those lines would be much more effective and powerful than as the three line stanza with the rhyme.
Good luck, and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Ash! You posted! <3 <3
I don't have much to say, really. It's a nice poem, and I like your choice of words. It rhymes and isn't cliche so good one there. The title really brings the reader in. The poem and title are original.
Some nitpicks~
Punctuation: Now see, I really like proper punctuation. You have punctuated it properly in some places, and the others you haven't. Mainly, I think you've forgotten your full stops and capitalizing you letters.
That 'at' confused me. It makes sense, but I'd suggest you change it.
Apart from the punctuation, the poem was really good. I like the imagery and keep writing.
- Aku/Angel