Untitled

Hello there, Purple!

I must say, I'm not a poet myself and don't normally review much poetry, so don't take my words as some kind of law or, well, anything but an amateur opinion :p

I liked the poem very much. It has that nice flow of words, and beautiful descriptive language. There are many poets I saw trying to do that thing, write their poem in this way without making it sound like just too much everything - you succeeded in making it happen here, it doesn't feel too much at all (to me at least) :3

There's no a real character in this poem - we don't know who she is, where she came from nor where she's going, nor what her story is - yet I somehow feel like I can relate. Like it talks to me about my own dreams and makes me think. It's one of those poems that I'm not quite sure what it makes me think about, though - but it does leave me with that feeling of some questions unanswered, something my mind should be buzzing around now.

And it's also kind of dark-ish, or maybe that is just how I see it, and I kind of mysterious, and I love that.

"Full of dancing magic and whispered dreams."
This like is pretty much enchanting. "Dancing magic" alone might seem kind of rainbows and unicorns and skittles - but I think that "whispered dreams" add to that feeling of mystery and eeriness that I hold so dear.


Kind regards,
Aria

Oh! Another Purple Moment!
I am happy this one is much more accessible and concrete.
I love especially the juxtaposition between the fantasy-world epicness of the "wooden gate" and the "emerald pasture" with the "sweet cigarette", which rings way modern for me. I really like that, 'cause it evokes pastoral lands with the rough edge of reality instead of the sparkling film of fantasy that it started with, and I dig that more than a fluffy landscape.

BUT!

Her identity is sought with ease.

Hey there Purple!

Starleene here!

As requested, I am here to review! So then, let’s begin, shall we?

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece of work. Many poets attempt to combine words as masterfully as you have here. You successfully draw on the reader’s ability to imagine the world you are creating around them, which is beautifully done.

So I think that I’m going to start with the things that I think you could change and then move on to the things that I absolutely loved, that way I don’t leave you peeved.

“On the rocks, over-looking the muddy water,”

This line isn’t crafted the same as the others. It feels thrown in, like it doesn’t belong. I think that you can totally be more imaginative than this.

Sometimes, a poem of this length can be kept together but in this case I think it would be a major mistake is you left it together. You should try splitting it up because otherwise the reader may be confused where you have your breaks.

Alright, out with the good!

“And beyond the wooden gate--
A circle of luscious emerald pasture,
Full of dancing magic and whispered dreams.
Beyond the stone symbol of peace--
The hidden forest of tranquility.”

This is…awesome. This is by far my favourite part of your poem. You’ve painted a clear picture and it’s easy to see myself there. That’s what you need to strive for. I believe an author’s job is to transport their audience to a world they’ve never seen or experienced before. The way the author combines words with feelings, is going to determine how much the reader believes the world they’re in.

Though some of the words you use are “heavy” I feel a surprising lightness when reading this. I can feel the woman’s carelessness, her ease at being where she is, and her ability to relax. She’s confident, and even though you don’t focus on her, the small actions that you do have her perform, shows us just who this woman is. Creative. I like it.

Well that concludes this review! I hope it was insightful! I can’t wait to read what else you have!

Good Luck! Happy writing!

Starleene Out.

My, my,my. Quite the poem.

"A circle of luscious emerald pasture,
Full of dancing magic and whispered dreams.
Beyond the stone symbol of peace--
The hidden forest of tranquility."

I love the way it flows. Smooth sailing. It's like a breath of fresh air. You provide a very nice description for the mind's eye.

The only thing I don't like is:
"On the rocks, over-looking the muddy water,"

There are so many other things You could've used instead of muddy water.

Another thing I liked:
"And the rest of the world resolves to be
A seemingly endless blur of madness."

I'm not going to analyze every little thing. Your poem was great. Excellent wording and smooth transitions. You're good for a newbie. Don't know how to say that nicely. I can be very blunt. Keep it coming.

To start this thing off, I'd like to compliment you on your wording. You have a great way of making things flow, and the words just kind of mash together, in this brilliant function. This happens as every poem should, and I congratulate you, because I have read a few pieces, where authors are not capable of grasping this element.

I'd love to begin with some words of praise. Might as well start with the positive, eh? Everyone likes a bit of applause. I'd like to highlight my favorite line, and start with that:

"A circle of luscious emerald pasture,
Full of dancing magic and whispered dreams.
Beyond the stone symbol of peace--
The hidden forest of tranquility."

Throughout this graceful work of art, you've managed to take something completely realistic, and turn it into gorgeous fantasy, with amazing descriptions, and fantastic wording. Great job with this, because in a few short lines, I've been able to already conjure a picture in my mind of what you are essentially writing here.

Another one of my favorites was this:

"Her identity is sought with ease."

A simple line, with simple words, and a simple structure, yet so painstakingly magnificent. You've managed to draw a connection with the reader, and that is good. For a flicker of a moment, the reader can read this, and instantly feel as though they're part of the story (assuming, of course, the reader is a female). Props on this.

Next, I'd like to move along to a bit of critique. I've combed through this, and I've managed to find no grammatical errors, but there are a few structural and wording problems.

The first example being that you need to block this up. I know there are some poems that can work like this, just one flowing piece of writing. But in this instance, it's difficult to figure out where to breathe, where to break it up, and so on and so forth.

Also, there were a few lines that had a bit of problem, flowing-wise. I'll only highlight a couple, but there are several. For instance, the very first line:

"The dreary grey sidewalk falls away"

You haven't quite caught the reader's attention with this, because it's a bit difficult to picture. Dreary and grey are not exactly things someone would be searching for when they want something poetic and amazing.

The second one I could find was: "On the rocks, over-looking the muddy water,"

This is the same as the first, not the type of thing a reader is looking for. Excuse me, but I'm going to be blunt, and say: We are authors. You can find better ways to describe this than "rocks" or "muddy water".

All in all, this was a highly enjoyable poem, very good for a newbie! Hope to catch ya around!

~Bandit

Review time!:)

Okay so I really liked the last 4 lines. They sum up the entire poem (my opinion).

I thought the images in this poem were very clear for the reader. You used very nice and unique descriptive words. Using words that aren't "typical" keep the reader engaged too.

Seems like you have spent a lot of time working on this poem because I can't seem to find anything that you should change..I like the last link just how it is.

The main thing I would suggest is finding a title. Seeing a piece of work titled "untitled" is sometimes a turn off for some people. That is my only suggestion!

All in all, Nicely done!
-Jessa

Hello!! here as requested:)

I saw you were new so welcome to YWS!!!!!! I hope you enjoy it cause I know I'm on it all night xD

okay!! now to the reviewing!!!! I'm not very good at this so bear with me please. okay.


MY PICKS:

FAVOURITE LINE~ A circle of luscious emerald pasture,

This was very descriptive and I could see it in my mind very clearly. I like how you used the word emerald!!!!

FAVOURITE WORD(S)~ emerald, tranquility, and luscious.

these were great choices!! it helped with the imagery!

WORST LINE: I don't know if I clean pick something.......nope. your all good:)

WORST WORD: seemingly

in the sentence "A seemingly endless blur of madness." it confused me. I had to read it a few times before I really got it down.

okay. now, let's go into more specifics!

I see you have decided to use free:) great choice for this. But the structure, correct me if I'm wrong, should have a pattern. like the whole "a c c a" thing. I don't know if that's only certain poems or not, but correct me if I'm wrong!!!

I like how you used "--" to let a thought last on, kind of drag. I liked it:)

The imagery was really good. it could be better, but I like it still.

That's all I have!!! If you have any questions about what I have said just PM me or leave a message on my wall!!!

xXMuch LoveXx

~Kamryn (Lylas)

This seems like a really great poem! I'm not good at reviewing poetry because it's just...not something I'm good at but I can tell that this is a really good poem. It's interesting, and not cliche. It flows nicely and uses great descriptions. I like the ending too, it completes the poem well
Keep writing!
-Raelyn