Published November 5, 2014
The sounds of his enraged yells followed her, echoing in the still darkness behind her as she ran, unmindful of where she was going. The tears streamed down her battered face, caressing the tender wounds that lined her soft skin. She made herself focus on the pounding of her feet against the hard ground as she ran, clutching her small bag of essentials to her chest. With every third step, a new memory burst into her mind, causing a fresh set of tears to break out. As the screams behind her died down, her footsteps slowed. She collapsed beside a large jutting rock, overlooking the rough waves that crashed onto the shore, and a dim outline of the far horizon.
Her fingernails dug into her palms as she forced her heavy breathing to regain its normal pace. A cool breeze blew across her cheeks, refreshing her as it swept across the tear tracks. Her eyes began to dry out as her mind cleared, and an overwhelming sense of peace crept into every inch of her being. Rejuvenation and relief were all that she felt, having finally broken through the chains of love that had held her prisoner. She gazed upon the hues of light pink and yellow that began to spread their arms through the sky.She had sat on this beach hundreds of times to watch the sunrise, but today’s sunrise was like none she had ever seen.
A/N:
Since this is my first post, I thought I would start off with something short. This is something I posted on my blog a while ago in response to the prompt given in italics. It was an attempt to improve the descriptions and imagery in my writing. I'd love to know what you think!
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140,967 Literary Works • 673,797 Reviews
Very nicely done! I loved it all. I liked how all the descriptions seemed to just blend in so beautifully with each other. It doesn't sound plain and choppy: "The sun was in the sky. It was hot and white." Your descriptions, combined with the overall flow of the story really made the reader picture everything so vividly in their minds with great ease. It's very short, but it's still very well-written. I enjoyed reading this very much. Nice work! -IceWinifredd
This is quite a beautiful piece of work. Very descriptive and brilliant use of sentence structure flow. I can quite imagine the scenery right here and personification is nicely executed.
I would like to point out the anti-thesis of the two paragraphs. One is a frantic, scary experience while the other is a beautiful scenery that changes the mood. I would say that I love these type of stories, the ones that changes a dark tone to a bright tone and this was done pretty nicely, so nice job!
Whoa, this is cool. I've always wanted to read a story that's like this, (no kidding) and now I've found it. I was immediately drawn in by the name. I didn't really see anything that needed to be fixed, except the last sentence in your story.
'arms through the sky.She had sat'
You need to put a space between she and the period.
Other than that, I didn't really find anything else. Great short story, can't wait to read more from you.
Hi there, Pony123 here to do a review!
First off, I love the imagery, It really drew me into the story. I could really invision it. You also have great style and I love that! Nice Job there
You only have a few issues that will be easily fixed.
1. Just a trivial grammatical error, but there should be a space after the period here: "the sky.She"
2. " refreshing her as it swept across the tear tracks." This sentence seems a little awkward. Try to find a different word for tracks. Maybe try rewording the sentence.
Overall, Great first start here! I was immediately drawn in. Great Job!
---Pony123
Hi there, and welcome to YWS! I hope you'll like it here.
Ok, so I hadn't planned to do anymore reviews today, but your work was very intriguing, and from a newcomer too! I couldn't help myself!
For starters, I must say that your descriptions of the woman's escape, especially in the first paragraph, were fantastic! I found that I was actually holding my breath as I read through the lines, the images captivating and the entire atmosphere one of desperation and fear! I could see it all happening in my mind's eye. Very few pieces have invoked such a response in me before now, so well done!
Amazingly detailed imagery here. Very well done!
Very beautiful and vivid imagery, but I think the distant horizon would be a more appropriate phrase for the current situation, as opposed to
the far horizon.Using 'far' as an adjective seems a bit unnecessary here, when a more appropriate option is available.Wouldn't forced her heavy breathing under control sound more concise, rather than going about it in a roundabout way with forcing it to regain its normal pace? That seems like a needlessly elaborate way of saying the same thing.
The ending was hopeful, a fitting conclusion to such a moving piece. This piece shows a lot of potential, and was a pleasure to read! Hope to read more of your works soon. Keep writing!
Thank you so much for your compliments! Those just made my day.
Yes, you're right, I think I'll change those two sentences in my piece later. Thanks for pointing them out.
This was such a lovely review. Thank you so much, once again. <3
Wow, extremely good description.
Your skill of describing is obvious and flows smoothly with your character's emotions. I can see this easily turning into a story, but if it not, its a really great example of your potential. I didn't find any spelling, grammar, or punctuation mistakes. Nice work!
I look forward to reading something else of yours.
And welcome to YWS! <3
~BookWolf
Thank you so much for your review! I actually was inspired by this scene to write something longer so let's see how that goes.
Thanks for the welcome as well. I'm really loving this site so far. I hope to see you around!