Spiridon (Chapter 1)

Hello all! ^^ This is a story I'm working on. It's inspiration came from Pokemon/Digimon/Whatever battle world is popular now but I'd tried to make it as different as possible. I want to say that this first chapter gives absolutely no give-away clues about where they're going. I just wanted to establish an introduction/connection chapter before they set off into the big wide world. Enjoy! And don't forget to concrit- I hope it's not too bad.

EDIT: Following the first critique (Mo's), I have made some slight changes and followed suggestions. How does it look now?

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Have you ever had that feeling where you've been waiting what seems an entire lifetime for one moment that could change it all?

Well all of her friends had experienced it, and for Sherri Tennant, today was the day. Her fifteenth birthday. Sure, maybe not as exciting as a sweet sixteen or an all-night eighteenth party, but where she came from, it was a big deal.

Now she wasn't one to complain, but being the youngest of a quartet of friends really did annoy her, because their one dream relied on them all turning the big 15. She felt she had been letting the whole side down, having a birth-date so close to December, 30th November. St. Andrew's Day. Highly appropriate for a girl of Scottish Heritage.

“Sherri, are you alright?”

A rather petite female with jet black wavy hair was looking at her, rather concerned. She had a demon-esque look about her colour wise, donning red and black on the torso along with a tartan skirt and black boots. But despite appearances, Harley Robinson was one of the friendliest, bubbliest girls you could meet, and one of the most affectionate too. She almost always had a huge smile on her face despite all the doom and gloom that occurred in the world. She'd noticed her friend in a daydream-like trance, which wasn't normal behaviour from Sherri, whom they sometimes playfully referred to as “the Scots girl”. But she understood why all of this

had happened.

“Hey, Little Miss Daydream, save ze adventures for outside, ja?”

An rather overweight male was looking rather apologetic at the comment he'd just made, his blushing cheeks standing out from under his long chestnut hair. Frederic von Scheider was always one to blush due to shyness, even with close friends. He also blushed out of embarrassment when strangers mocked his weight problems. It was a problem he was conscience of, and had tackled his whole life, but it seemed that not even the world's ultimate diet plan could overcome his love of food. It didn't help he dressed in typical green lederhosen- a stereotypical German had always been a target of cruel jibes.

Sherri smiled at her two friends, grateful for their company on what was probably the most special day of her life so far. But two friends?

“Hang on....where's Riona?” asked the Scots girl, tucking some of her red locks behind her ears. “It's not like the lass to not be with you, Frederic.” That next part was true. Frederic and Riona were as close as brother and sister, because they actually were! Non-identical twins since even if Riona was a boy, she would have looked completely different to Frederic with purple hair, glasses requirement and her sense of fashion. He wore a white shirt and lederhosen, she wore a blue shirt and dark jeans, along with a dark blue messenger bag.

“Did anyone order cake?” said a voice in the distance.

“Riona.....it's beautiful!”

Riona carefully made her way into the hall, carrying a large, square cake that seemed very personal, due to the look on the face. Laying it down on the table, Sherri couldn't believe her eyes. At first glance it was one of those photograph cakes, but on closer inspection it was a collage of different pictures, a whole array of memories arranged to form one larger picture of the quartet of friends, smiling at the camera for all they were worth. The whole feeling of sentiment caused the Scots girl's eyes to well up with tears of happiness.

“Well, birthday girl, blow out ze candles.” said Frederic, expertly twiddling the lighter in between his thick-skinned fingers. Several years of Scouts had given him a lot of experience with fire control.

Sherri was set to just blow for all she was worth when she noticed Harley hanging back. Her friend's eyes seemed fixed on the crimson flames, not through interest but through intense fear. Pyrophobia. Sherri understood that Harley couldn't stand fire but she felt distant without all three friends around the cake to share the special moment.

“Harley,” began Sherri, holding out a hand and smiling. “I can't cross the year gap without you.”

Harley looked up from the flickering flames, as if she'd been snapped out of a deep trance. Shaking her head in slight confusion, she gave a slight smile and swallowed her anxiety. She didn't need to take any hands. Friendship was somehow allowing her to conquer her fear for those few moments.

With the whole quartet surrounding the cake, Sherri closed her eyes, muttered and blew. As the orange dissolved and the smoke beginning to rise, the four friends knew that they were one step closer to starting their lifelong awaited journey.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Mo.
Comment

I am very happy to see that I come back, a few minutes later, and everything I have mentioned is fixed!!

Yay for Pugs!!! :D

~Mo.

User avatar
Pugseli Comment

Hi Mo ^^

Thanks for your critique. Usually, I'm not too good with it but that seemed both sensitive and helpful ^^

I realised a few of the mistakes and I will edit them in due time. When I read it again then, I only just realised I missed out the where in "but where she came from" :lol:

And I just have said, I do tend to refer to Sherri as the Scots Girl. ><

But once again, thank you ^^

User avatar
Mo.
Review
Mo. wrote a review · Sun Nov 08, 2009 12:35 pm

Hello!!! K, here's my review.

Key:
Bold = words I've added in
Strikeout = words that aren't necessary
Italic = Words or phrases that don't make sense


Have you ever had that feeling where you've been waiting what seems an entire lifetime for one moment that could change it all?


Sorta :D

Well all of her friends had experienced it, and for Sherri Tennant, today was the day. Her fifteenth birthday. Sure, maybe not as exciting as a sweet sixteen or an all-night eighteenth party, but where she came from, it was a big deal.


I like this paragraph.

Now she wasn't one to complain, but being the youngest of a quartet of friends really did annoy her, because their one dream relied on them all turning the big 15. She felt she had been letting the whole side down, having a birth-date so close to December. 30th November. St. Andrew's Day. Highly appropriate for a girl of Scottish Heritage.


Now I'm interested, one big dream eh? :smt004
I'm not sure if you can see, but I have bolded a full stop (:D) that should be a comma.

“Sherri, are you alright?”

A rather petite female with jet black wavy hair was looking at her, rather concerned. She had a demon-esque look about her colour wise, donning red and black on the torso along with a tartan skirt and black boots. But despite appearances, Harley Robinson was one of the friendliest, bubbliest girls you could meet, and one of the most affectionate too. She'd noticed her friend in a daydream-like trance, which wasn't normal behaviour from the Scots girl. But she understood why it had happened.


Maybe you could be slightly more inconspicuous about the friends appearance. It's better to slowly give us all the details, because too much info makes one or both of two possible things happen: head hurts, or we stop reading 'cause we are confuzzled. :D

Also, you refer to your MC as the scots girl, and Sherri, or is the scots girl someone else?

“Hey, Little Miss Daydream, save ze adventures for outside, ja?”


I lurve the way you have made his words like that, so we actually know what his accent sounds like! :D

An rather overweight male was looking rather apologetic at the comment he'd just made, his blushing cheeks standing out from under his long chestnut hair. Frederic von Scheider was always one to blush due to shyness, even with close friends. He also blushed out of embarrassment when strangers mocked his weight problems. It was a problem he was conscience of, and had tackled his whole life, but it seemed that not even the world's ultimate diet plan could overcome his love of food. It didn't help he dressed in typical green lederhosen- a stereotypical German had always been a target of cruel jibes.


Nice, it seems your appearance information is more inconspicuous, or is it just me?
Thinking about it, I don't actually know what a lederhosen is... I shall google it! :D

Sherri smiled at her two friends, grateful for their company on what was probably the most special day of her life so far. But two friends?


Minor conflict, good. :D "Oh other friends, where art though?" - lol, I'm so... strange? yes, I believe that is the correct word! :lol:

“Hang on....where's Riona?” asked the Scots girl, tucking some of her red locks behind her ears.


YAY! Inconspicuousness, I know the colour of her hair!!! - brilliant! :D

“It's not like the lass to not be with you, Frederic.” That next part was true. Frederic and Riona were as close as brother and sister, because they actually were! were actual relatives. Non-identical twins since even if Riona was a boy, she would have looked completely different to Frederic, with purple hair, glasses requirement and her sense of fashion. He wore a white shirt and lederhosen, she wore a blue shirt and dark jeans, along with a dark blue messenger bag.



“Did anyone order cake?” said a voice in the distance


Ok, so my bold thing there sucks, but you should have something so we know who's talking!

“Riona.....it's beautiful!”


Who says this???

Riona carefully made her way into the hall, carrying a large, square cake that seemed very personal. Laying it down on the table, Sherri couldn't believe her eyes. At first glance it was one of those photograph cakes, but on closer inspection it was a collage of different pictures, a whole array of memories arranged to form one larger picture of the quartet of friends, smiling at the camera for all they were worth. The whole feeling of sentiment caused the Scots girl's eyes to well up with tears of happiness.


I don't quite understand why - if they can't see the pictures yet - does the cake look personal, apart from that, I lurve it!

“Well, birthday girl, blow out ze candles.” said Frederic, expertly twiddling the lighter in between his thick-skinned fingers. Several years of Scouts had given him a lot of experience with fire control.


Scouts eh? nice inconspicuousness.
Note to self: stop saying inconspicuous!!

Sherri was set to just blow for all she was worth when she noticed Harley hanging back. Her friend's eyes seemed fixed on the crimson flames, not through interest but through intense fear. Pyrophobia. Sherri understood that Harley couldn't stand fire but she felt neglected without all three friends around the cake to share the special moment.


I'm not sure that neglected is the right word here...

“Harley,” began Sherri, holding out a hand and smiling. “I can't cross the year gap without you.”

Harley looked up from the flickering flames, as if she'd been snapped out of a deep trance. Shaking her head in slight confusion, she gave a slight smile and swallowed her anxiety. She didn't need to take any hands. Friendship was somehow allowing her to conquer her fear for those few moments.


This is good, we can see how close these guys are! :D

With the whole quartet surrounding the cake, Sherri closed her eyes, muttered and blew. As the orange dissolved and the smoke beginning to rise, the four friends knew that they were one step closer to starting their lifelong awaited journey.


With the use of quartet, you make them sound like musicians. :P

Good story, I'm interested in knowing more!

PM me with questions, when you put the nest chapter up, and for whatever reason!

:smt026

~Mo.



"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns